Alright, let's get bare-chested...
...and share some shit on the blockchain while we at it.
This will be my last post on this account until I have processed all the things completely that kept me awake for the last 8 months. In one of my latest posts, I have announced that I can finally sleep again, which is great. It also woke me up. Heh? Sleeping that woke him up? No entiendo señior. How ironic, but let me explain.
The Rollercoaster of Confrontation
It was November 2017, and that's where I found my old-self, a scared little boy that was about to make a difference for himself. At that time, I had the chance to look at myself in a broken mirror, or whatever was left of it. I had enough of the broken pieces of glass that stabbed me for over 29 years. The pile of frustration, a trail of self-destruction that I left behind whenever I felt misunderstood, saw injustice and all the other issues I was dealing with at that time flourished into a time-bomb that could explode any time.
Yes, I was that kind of person. Hypersensitive which made me sometimes too smart to not understand other peoples feelings or intentions and whatever that would put a feather up my ass, I want a sticker, no I don't. Combine this with an anxiety for abandoning ánd commitment, a big amount of aiming to do everything perfectly and there you go: a pretty complex person who did not understand a thing about himself or his self-worth, trying to be the best version of himself for another person instead for himself. Stir this shit a little bit around and you would have a low-self esteem, multi-talented, I-dont-really-want-to-do-everything-to-please-you-but-I-will-anyway-but-fuck-off-if-you-come-too-close person.
I embedded this type of lifestyle so deep in everything that I did, I never realized I was in survival mode nor did I realize what I was capable of. No shit Sherlock, I was too busy to wonder what the fuck was wrong with me throughout my entire life, asking myself why was I so different and trying to understand why I didn't really understand the things normal people enjoy doing and so on.
Having the feeling to lose someone you deeply care for and thought you would grow old with eventually triggered the bomb. I exploded. Shattered pieces all over the place, no blood was spilled, but I was close enough to end my own heartbeat. I have found myself in the darkest place on this earth, that gave me the opportunity to find my way back to reality, dragging myself with me. And I did. I made some fucked up jokes that actually put a smile on my depressive face
"My life is so dark right now, it would've been the best chocolate."
Change
Sometimes it's so easy to 'teach and preach' how life works to others, while you yourself, are stuck in it. But it certainly will help you to put the pieces together at some level of degree. While I still encounter pieces of the broken mirror, I do not recognize myself anymore. I'm undergoing a change, or how some people would call it: a transformation. I've learned how to deal with all these issues, and I am still learning more about how to address certain situations that I often found hard to deal with in the past (as a normal person). Instead of becoming anxious, I became more certain instead and now I am trying to find a way to be less of a douchebag and/or less salty.
Thankful
I am thankful. Thankful for my roommate, as he has been dragging me through this shit for 8 months. At times where I was unknowingly consuming all of his energy and time, he was the one that spends all of his energy and time on such a lost person: me. Cheezy? I do not think I can ever thank him enough for encouraging me, for being a motivation and to fucking take care of me while I did not find the motivation to eat for 5 days in a row.
Obviously thankful for my other friends, and random chats that cheered me up as well.
I am thankful for all of you fuckers that connected with me, reached out to me and took the time. You might understand that I didn't leave the room, I barely went outside and have quit working for a few months just so I could be 'sad'. Steemit itself taught me to share more of my work, to be less of a perfectionist and accept that things are good the way how they are right now. I never really share a lot of my work online, that's why I have over 100.000 photographs in my database that never have seen the light of internet or an exhibition.
Self-reflect
In these last 8 months I have learned more about myself and life in general than in the 29 years before that. How much I wish to not regret that a little, I do.
Sorry if you're tagged against your will, but the following people/initiatives on Steemit helped me on a personal level, some of you might even wonder wtf you have been doing, but that's ok, DM me. They are all great people with a strong opinion and some gave me valuable eye-openers. The initiatives gave me great tools to work with and overcome some of my boundaries. I wish to list them for future purposes.
And today...
Yup... today is that time of the year again. It is my 30th birthday. As I mentioned before in one of my posts earlier, I do not like to celebrate my birthday. But after reading the above, what reason is there to not celebrate my birthday? So yes, I will celebrate my birthday with the people that I hold dear. Wow, did I smell progress? Must be the weather, because it's BBQ time.
Life is short
I know that I am not the only one that is struggling with inner-conflict, frustration, low-self esteem or anything else that is holding you back from things that you really wish to do. Take it from me: go for it. As for me, I have to take care of things IRL, have to make some re-adjustments and process all the things that changed my perspective. Probably will pick up my work pace, travel more and create more memories. Having this blog post stuck in the blockchain forever will be a reminder to always aim for the best quality of your own life at any time and/or circumstances.
