In your eyes
I see worry

Pasts flashing
in hot white heat
washing over me
and scorching
my individuality

And I worry

That I will be nothing more
than a reminder
of all the things I'm not

Of all the things
I may never be

And you will walk away
like all the others

Because I am slow
and contemplative
because I weigh words
in extended silence

Sometimes they are heavy
hard to get my arms around
And I take my time

I worry

That I will never be enough
because I have never been

Why would I be now?

For someone so quick
and sure footed

as I bumble along beside you
in all my awkward pose

My desire to assist or be present
dueling with my fear
of being in the way

or even being seen

Lest a spotlight illuminates
all the faults
and the strange ways
that I move

Invisible
quiet
is the best defense
against myself

sometimes

And even then,
laid low in shadows
you demand me to be seen

when you don't seem to like what is there

Confusion

Fear

Afraid to change
because then I am weak
afraid to stay the same
because then I am faulty

broken

defected

branded and discarded

I seem to only have
the wrong answers
and fumbling actions

in my arsenal

Resting bitch face
and an apprehensive soul

When night falls
and I pull you into bed

That is when I can be myself

softly spoken
because you aren't far
slow
because we have nowhere to be
calm
because the smell of your skin
soothes me

and you smile
more
then you have all day
when I curl up close
and kiss your chest

Showing my love
appreciation
in gentle caress

fingertips of little apologies
Unsure if you hear them
Or even know

How I regret
words unspoken
enthusiasm improperly showed
interest misconstrued
interruptions
intent seemingly unclear

All the wrong steps
while I learn to dance again.