“Know well what leads you forward and what holds you back, and choose the path that leads to wisdom.”
Buddha
-1-
I'm standing on the slope of a mountain. There is is a steep descent In front of me. I see how the other guys have already passed it and waving me from the distance. I feel very uncomfortable. I know I have to do it. There is no way around but I am standing here fool of fears and doubts. “Can I do it?” “Will I be fine?” “What if…” and so on. I am frozen to death with my own fears and I can’t move.
There are different thoughts in my head. All of them are not positive ones. I would really love to find any good reason to do it but it all crashed with my logical mind and the idea that “IF I make a mistake, then the fall will be almost vertical”. Maybe it is just the way I see it from this point. I can even imagine that it is not so scary. In the end, others already did it. I make a deep breath. The others - quite a big topic in my life and the one lead me standing here at this point right now. Through all my life I have been looking on what have others done, what they achieved and then...I will come and do not even the same - I 'll do better (or at least what I thought would be a better option). This journey started with the idea to experience 'a real me" (something I have been really putting aside for quite a while). And here I was - standing on the edge trying to decide whether I should go further. It seemed I finally reached the point where I needed to make a decision. The point where it seemed impossible to going back but at the same time seemed I did not have the right motivation to make a step forward.
I set down. ”Well, what’s now?” flashed a simple thought. Self-criticism. The familiar phrase. The circle with no ending as if one self-criticised thought will lead me to the other. “You would always fight anything that stays on your way” - the inner voice would say in my head and the dialog will continue with examples from past what it was the right thing to do. At the same time, it all ended with the other simple thought -“Maybe it's right that I stopped.” Maybe the whole trip here in the mountains teaches me one thing. The thing that is so simple that mind can’t really accept it. Maybe the truth is that to stop on your path is fine. It's normal not to run in search of a new direction, it's okay to sit here on top of this mountain and THINK!
-2-
I'm trying to re-think it again. I try to grasp this simple though and let it settle in the mind and body. I look up at the blue sky. The clouds are slowly floating. They are not hurrying anywhere. They are slow because of the way the wind flows them. This is their essence.
I'm looking at the mountains. The mountains have always fascinated me with their size, but today it seems I see them for the first time. I somehow realize that they are so big. I realize that I and my life are a trifle compared to them. A few more decades will pass, and my life will be over. I will no longer be part of this beautiful world yet they will be still standing here. Who knows maybe there will be someone else sitting here and watching them trying to grasp the pease of wisdom it seems they possess.
-3-
While I am looking on the gorgeous mountains, it becomes clear - every single moment in my life becomes so important, so precious, so unique because there are not going to be the second one. There is only this one. The one I am leaving right here and now. Every detail, every movement, becomes important. I stood up and slowly move my snowboard down. I know that I will find my way. At the same time what becomes important is not finding it but leaving the life I have. I move down slowly. My body seems to have merged with a snowboard in a single harmony and dancing a new dance, hitherto unknown to me. I slide down in zigzags. I leave my mark on this smooth surface of these majestic mountains yet knowing that is just a second on the Universal scale of time. I have this second now and I want to enjoy it in full.
I am standing down looking up. A smile toughness my face - a smile of awareness that sometimes one does not need to know how you will pass a difficult path, you just need to take the first step.
With love,
I support @ecotrain project, which also use #ecotrain. I want to believe that more and more people will start to think about things that help to make the world a better place. (с)
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