Depression & Anxiety

Disclaimer

I want to start this out with a bit of a disclaimer. I understand the difference between having a disorder, and experiencing symptoms that can be shared by a disorder or multiple disorders. However the purpose of this is to put a mental map of what I've lived through for the last 11 years for others to understand. 
And please, I don't wish for this to turn into a sympathy party. Dialogue and discussions are what I aim for.

The roots and problems.

For as long as my memory has held true I cannot remember the feeling of what it was like to be genuinely motivated, genuinely happy, or genuinely passionate. It has all been a haze for most of my life that I can remember, from the bad choices I made as a teenager, to the bad choices I made but only a year ago. And that's the thing, I cannot place a time where I didn't feel that everything I did was inadequate. 

But at the expense of this sounding like a therapy session, I'll skim through the psychological events that have lead me to develop through adolescence and puberty with deep set depression:

• At a young age my parents separated. My mother had kicked my father out of the house. At first my sisters and I didn't understand, like any young sheltered children would typically do. This lead to both my younger and older sister to lash-out as the years progressed, and sent me deeper and deeper into myself.
• During my years in middle school (for those not in the U.S. it is grade 6-8) I ended up being a target for a few bullies, as well as being bullied at home to the extent that I, a hormonal distraught boy, was going to off himself.
• Around these times was when I started to develop depression, and had started to fail school; from straight A's to all F's. It became even more compounded once I entered high school, eventually forcing lethargy and apathy to develop inside me as well. This lead me to do outrageous things; I do regret them quite often.
• It wasn't until I hit the Uni that my depression started to neutralize, but the bad choices started to comeback, and I ended up furthering down into the rabbit hole I tried to climb out of. But again I neutralized it for what I thought was going to be the rest of my life.

Enter 2016, two years after my depression had seemingly "gone away". Though low and behold a cluster of events unfolded one after the other spanning a few months, that snapped me back into the very depression that I'd known.
It was stronger more than ever, and it has a partner in crime this time.

The heavy felt experience.

Perhaps it is the depression talking, but I've never felt such utter despair as I do now. The days don't go by any more than the nights do. I've stopped working, and that partner in crime; anxiety, has pushed me further from being with the people that I enjoy.
It's not like I'm unaware of what's happening to myself; clearly. But it does nothing to be aware of a problem if I have no understanding of how to fix or alleviate them, and it seems as though I'm not the driver anymore in my own body. The experience is frustrating to say the least, even more so that I've now developed anxiety; I'd never had it before 2016. Having to explain to people what is wrong with me only serves to drive my levels of frustration outwards, and it's upsetting. I am generally just upset with myself!

I know this might sound like one of those people who parades around with their "mental disorder badges", and I really hope it doesn't come across as such. I've never written out any of this before, and it's quite nerve-racking putting this out there, but it's my first serious post outside of my introducemyself.