Now my son is about 4 years old and I am often asked what sons need from their fathers. My answer really boils down to a few simple but critical things that every good dad must do, built on a framework of providing, caring and guiding.
But too often, almost every fathers think they're doing a better job in these areas than they really are. I've found that these four questions, though, can help a father ensure he's giving his son the fundamental things he needs. (And if a child's father is not in the picture, his mother can use these questions as a guide to help her find male role models who can give her son these kinds of affirmation.)
"Does my son know that I love him?"
Caring means a lot of things. It certainly includes hugging and kissing our boys—yes, even boys need hugs and kisses—on a daily basis and telling them that we love them. But it also includes taking care of their daily needs, like cooking for them, giving them baths, playing with them, reading to them and helping their mothers.
And I have found that despite the conventional wisdom that caring is primarily mom's territory, the root meaning of "care" is "to protect," a role that most dads are comfortable with.
"Does my son know how proud I am of him?"
Father need to affirms what is the son's innate. Your affirmation prepares your son to enter the world with the confidence and "emotional armor" that he needs in order not just to survive, but to thrive. A son needs to know that you are pleased with him, not for what he does or does not do, but because of who he is.
And you must remember that the way a father affirms his son depends on things like his culture and community and his son's temperament and interests. The objective of affirmation is to meet a son at his particular point of need and to connect with him—heart to heart. Indeed, there is no cookie-cutter approach to affirmation. One boy may simply need an encouraging word at the right time. A special breakfast out with dad may be what another son needs. A formal ceremony or rite of passage might fit certain cultures and situations.
But from all these acts of affirmation whether its big or small, communicate to your son is that you are his advocate and that your love is abiding and unconditional.
"Does my son know that he matters to me?"
We invest our life in the things we care about like money, time and energy. In other words, if you ever want to know what someone cares about, look at their bank statement or ask them how they spent their time.
The most important way that dads can help their boys understand that they matter is by making them a priority over the myriad demands that life throws at us. With many things competing for a dad’s money, time and energy—our jobs, technology, entertainment, sports, television—it is easy for a child to think that he doesn't matter. It is critical that dads make it clear to their sons that they are a priority, that our most important investment is in them and that all the other "stuff" gets only the leftovers.
Raising children is one of the difficult at the same time most rewarding jobs in the world.
With a little patience and accepting a little assistance you can take the right steps on how to be a good parent. There is no such good parent definition.