phase shift of nothingness in tub. setsunai. 2017.
Hello all,
My name is setsunai. I am an artist.
This is the first time I have said that with any confidence.
I have spent the last 3 years since graduating university attempting to push down my instinct to create to in a misguided effort to try and fit myself into a more certain and predictable path for conventional success. For me this was medical school. My grandfather was the first internal medicine physician in my home city and my father is a highly respected and successful neurologist in that same city. I was accepted into medical school last April and by December of 2017 I was placed on a leave of absence after a 3 month episode of severe depression. While there were some other personal circumstances that effected my academic performance involving the dissolution of my 7 year relationship, I cannot shake the feeling that on some level, there was an element of self-sabotage at play.
When I was accepted to medical school I didn't feel joy or elation like my other classmates expressed to me. I instead felt at once vindicated, trapped, and uneasy.
My pride and narcissism pushed me to show that I could achieve acceptance to medical school. To show who? I don't know. Myself ultimately, I think. My family never really pushed me to be a physician and neither did my partner, but I still harbored a fear of pursuing my passion to create without boundaries or direction.
On the other hand my deep seated self-conscious nature made me believe that my thoughts and creations were not valuable in the context of art history, or human creativity at large.
What could I provide that someone else had not or could not?
But recently I decided that is bullsh*t.
I had to stop that cycle of self defeat that was getting in the way of me using my limited time on this earth to do what I feel, at my most quiet and honest moments, is my purpose.
My purpose defined by fate or genetic and environmental interaction. Whatever.
I just know it on some level and I needed to accept that.
What pushed me to this realization was a quote from the documentary "Jim and Andy" on Netflix about Jim Carrey's life altering experience inhabiting the character of Andy Kaufman in the 1999 biopic "Man on the Moon". Jim Carey tells the story of his father who had aspired all of his life to be a musician, but chose a safer path out of fear and a sense of responsibility/safety. Jim says he regretted it until the day he died, only realizing his dream vicariously through Jim's success with comedy and acting. He actually died soon after the debut of Jim's first major film.
The quote that really hit me came when Jim gave an honest assessment of his Father's life and how it pushed him to do what he did in comedy and acting. Jim said that by watching his father live through the bitterness of regret and lost chances after losing the supposedly stable job that he had picked over his passion he realized that you could fail at something you don't love and doesn't not fulfill you and you can fail attempting to achieve your dream. However, from watching his father he knew that failing at something you don't love after not giving yourself the opportunity to fight for your dream hurts far more than moving on in a different path after giving everything you have to your passion.
I know that feeling. I failed in medical school by some combination of conscious choice and subconscious resistance. I did not belong there. My heart was never there. But it is different for me. I am only 25. I have time. For me that harsh experience of failure was tempered by a feeling of relief and opportunity. This was a chance to give all of my energy to the my hunger to create that has until now survived on scraps.
That is why I am here on steemit. I feel this is truly a platform where I can reach and support a community of artists and creators that are helping create a truly novel way for art/artists to thrive in the present and future digital worlds.
Thank you for having me. Thank you for reading. I look forward to creating with you all.
-setsunai