Being in a relationship can feel like a lot like a tango.
It relies on both partners to be in sync with one another through movement, rhythm and feeling.
One minute it can sway to the left, the next to the right.
With one partner not being able to keep up, it can be both unpredictable and frustrating at the same time.
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Which is why it's no piece of cake.
Whether you're currently in a relationship or have been in one, you know that after the honeymoon phase is over, reality starts to kick in.
You slowly start to take off your rose tinted glasses and see your partner for who they really are, perks and all.
While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can be a bit of learning curve to adjust to.
Fortunately, there are some ways (no quick fixes!), that can help you
After all, it takes two to tango ;)
1. Accept your partner for who they are
Easier said than done right?
It's important to recognize your partner’s strengths as well as their limitations : what/who they're not capable of being.
A lot of times we go into a relationship thinking our partners will change for us down the line.
For example : If they're not crazy about marriage when we first met them, they may come around once they realize what a catch we are.
The problem with this way of thinking is that you can't change a person or expect them to change for you. They have to be willing to change on their own.
We filter our partner through our own highest values and as a result get disappointed when they don't act a certain way.
If they're perfectly content with who they are and what they value, you have to be accepting of that or find someone who can give you what you need.
If you find yourself saying :
If that was me I'd...
Chances are you're comparing them to yourself, what you would do or better yet what the perfect person you fabricated in your mind would.
Guess what? They're NOT you, or that perfect person. They can't live up to your expectations.
While you can't force a person to change, you can surely help them become the best version of themselves.
For example : if you're the more driven one, you'll find yourself pushing them to reach their goals
It's up to them to decide whether they want to ride the same wave as you or not.
It’s also highly important to recognize your own flaws and see how accepting they are to it as well.
If your partner is doing his or her best in life and in your relationship, you should recognize this and hold them to reasonable standards moving forward.
2 Less digital time, more personal time
Let's face it : we're all glued to our phones more than we should be.
Between Instagram, Facebook, Messenger, our attention is always split whenever we receive the latest notification (which is pretty damn often).
Imagine the way our partner feels when we can't give them our undivided attention.
Pretty crappy, right?
Now multiply that feeling by 10 if "quality time" is their primary love language
You can make it a point to eat dinner together with your cell phones out of reach. This will help you avoid the urge to reach for your phone and become distracted when you should be focusing on your partner.
Bottom line : Try limiting the amount of time you spend on your phone while they're around.
3. Never use resolute terms "always" or "never"
You’ve probably heard that the key to a great relationship is communication. This is very true.
However, in the heat of the moment when arguments arise, emotions get the worst of us.
Phrases like you never call or you always work late get thrown around.
Hurtful words are said and communication becomes stifled by you or your partner talking over each other.
You might even find yourselves switching from offense to defense, not really leaving room for effective communication to take place. Heck, one of you might even shut down and "stonewall" the other.
How do you communicate properly?
Start off by seeing each other as a team vs competitors
The only way for your partner to understand your needs without getting on the defense is by stating how their action/behavior makes you feel
Think about the need/want that isn't being met from your partner.
Example :
You working late all the time makes me feel like you don't want to come home
VS
You always work late! I hate it!
Bottom line : Replace resolute terms with "feel" instead
Communication, acceptance and prioritization may be the foundation to a successful relationship, but understanding the "how" behind these 3 factors is what'll help bring your best relationship forward this year!