Today I remembered why I drank in the first place. When everything quiets down for a moment I see the truth. I do not like myself. It is easier to be busy, to be in another world or consumed with anything that distracts me from my reality. I am mean. I am destructive. I am loud. I am dishonest. I am hurtful. I am selfish. I am emotional. Who would want that in their life? Not me!
Today I am 1 year, 1 week and one day sober. It has been the best year I've had since I started drinking 10 years ago. I have laughed more, I have smiled more, and I have experienced more than any other year of my life. I am finding success at work and financially, my family relationships have been strengthened, and I have the the love of my boyfriend and have even moved to his farm. Things should be perfect.
But as the shouting is exhausted and we lay here quietly on our devices, I know one thing. I am still not the person I want to be. I am always one to fight. I am quick to shout and easily overreact. I have very little control over my emotions to the point where I feel as though I will burst, and sometimes I wish I do. How can I communicate so easily on paper, but face to face, nothing comes out but cursing, shouting and crying? If you are thinking that it must be how I was raised, or damage from past relationships, I can assure you that I was this emotional from day one. As a child would even bite my tongue to keep from lashing out at my siblings (maybe I should have kept that technique).
Perhaps some of us are just born relationshiply disabled. Now don't get me wrong, I am not all bad. I am quick to help others, I work hard and am dedicated. I can learn anything and I have a passion for life. I also love fiercely. Those are great qualities, and ones I should be able to use to become the kind of person I admire. Someone that is kind always, slow to anger and a quiet, effective communicator. My learning curve on fixing my brain and heart is proving slower than I had hoped though. I have 29 years practice at failing in my emotional responses.
A year sober is a great milestone. It means a lot in my life. But being sober does not solve the reason that you drank in the first place. All it does is opens the doors, so that you can face the problem head on. So here is to a year of sobriety passed, and an upcoming year of facing my demons, and learning to be a kind, patient, sweet person, and loving myself!
Cheers <3
