Clarity comes in all shapes and sizes. Mine comes in pill form in two prescription bottles. One turns down the volume on my depression, the other relieves my anxiety. Taken together, I can achieve almost any task. My mental illness is managed, I can perform simple acts of self-care, provide for my children, complete my work and achieve goals beyond my meeting my responsibilities. No lie, it is AMAZING.
I have been a high-functioning, depressed, anxious person for so long I had NO IDEA this level of function was possible. Now, it doesn't happen every day. PTSD is complicated. I experience all the types of flashbacks (physical, somatic and emotional), so even with these meds, the deck is stacked against me. But I CAN SEE the deck is stacked against me.
I was never able to see it before. It's like knowing there's water in your glass but never how much.
Now I know how much water (or spoons) I have most of the time. I can make educated decisions about what to do and what not to do in each day. I can manage my stressors and triggers and still be present for my kids. Or I can do what I did yesterday that made the day my okayest in awhile: walk into my therapist's office and rattle off a set of fully formed goals to work through with him.
I'm ready to level up. Because I can. Because my medications make it possible for me to see my flaws and not shut down from shame. Or make a mistake and suffer no panic attack. Or even go on (very short) grocery shopping trips. Have my kid bop me in the face without a visual and somatic flashback accompanied by dissociation and an hour crying on my closet floor.
I get to be a person.
And I'm really, really proud of this choice. It was a long fight with inner Shawna to accept this type of help. It has not gone so well in the past. Especially as I'm enmeshed in a community that touts holistic, "natural" healing to body and brain.
Hey, I tried that for a long time. I did have some benefits. I still use natural supplements. But they aren't enough. My brain was landscaped through repeat physical trauma over seventeen years to grow the way it has. I accept that. I accept myself and my needs, even if that package looks different than my expectations.
Yesterday, I took my medications as I have every day since their prescription. I talked to my therapist about hard topics. I lived in the moment as much as possible. It wasn't great, but it was okay. I did my okayest.
image from pixabay.com and is not meant to equate drugs with candy, rather health with sweetness