For whatever reason, I've been struggling to feed myself lately. This isn't a full-blown anorexia relapse, but it is absolutely stress related. I need to decompress. I need to consume enough calories. I need to put time into loving my body.
This week brought me back to the gym. I've felt immense frustration because it seems the injury to my left wrist is far more significant than I thought. I had a wonderful deep tissue massage that made incredible repair to my elbow and shoulder, and suddenly I could tell what wasn't working in my hand. And it's the same things that weren't working when I first injured the hand: my thumb and middle finger.
I've always had excellent fine motor control, so the impairment is very noticeable. I was trying to pick up puzzle pieces over the last few days and messages simply weren't being properly relayed. As I type now, the fingers keep not touching keys. It's . . . irritating.
I have a bad habit of pushing through. I'm choosing to pay attention.
It got into my head. I started to feel broken. That's an old pattern for me and one I'm not anxious to return to. I was hearing the voices of my parents in my head telling me I'm a faker, I'm making a big deal out of nothing, I always imagine some problem and so on. But as I heard it, I could see my hand not working. One of my gym coaches commented that my thumb was off. I will be holding things and drop them without knowing I've lost my grip.
It's possible I'm simply overworking my wrist, but after a week off of lifting and strain, my wrist feels worse. I have an assessment set up Monday. I'm excited and scared. When I am injured, it tends to be big. I usually need surgery. I really don't want to head down that road, so I am thinking positively. I know there is scar tissue, so I'm focusing on massaging that tissue to release it and pursuing physical therapy to regain the full use of my fingers.
But, honestly, it's a hard slog mentally. I am trying not to think of myself as a broken faker. I am remembering that I am whole, beautiful and capable of healing and/or adapting. This injury is only making me stronger, both in body and mind.
It is so important to break toxic thought patterns by reframing negative thoughts. I hope this is a practice you have. It's fairly simple to flip the script and articulate what you can do versus what you can't, what you hope for versus what you fear.
I AM
I WILL
I CAN
Are these part of your vocabulary? They should be.
Wishing you an affirming New Year,
Shawna
images from pixabay.com
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