So... here I am.
I've been on Steemit for two years now. Hooray for that: it's been a fine time so far.
There were times when I was very active and times when I hadn't logged on for months.
But that's not really what's on my mind tonight.
At the risk of alienating what little audience I am lucky to have in my life, I'm going to share some deep concerns that I have about my life with you.
Hopefully, this will be cathartic for me - I'll be able to get something off my chest and maybe not be so anxious (this'll be kind of like a personal journal to which you are now subject, haha); but it is also my hope that there will be something in my own explusion of concerns and anxiety that you can, also, can relate to... so maybe you can get something out of it as well.
But anyway, believe it or not, I struggle with doubts about my own self-worth.
Well, probably not much of a shock after all: most people struggle with similar feelings. I know I'm not special in this regard, but lately it's just felt really, really bad.
And it's not all just in my head.
When I was in school...
In school, I was not what you would call a good student.
In fact, I was a bad student. Mediocre during my best quarters. For the most part I had relegated myself to barely passing or failing in practically every subject.
Growing up, I remember my dad telling me he was disappointed in me for one thing or another. At first it hurt to hear that from him, but I eventually just got used to it.
School was a slog. It was a grind. I hated going, didn't have any friends, and didn't feel like I was getting anything out of it in terms of education, either. I would basically take the bus to school, fail and/or not give a shit in my classes, maybe get bullied, have a government-paid-for-lunch because my family was poor (which I would eat by myself), finish off the day, and then take the bus back home where I would ignore my homework and try not to think too much about how I had to go back the next day.
Government education wasn't for me and I wasn't for it. We simply didn't get along. The few things that acted as a respite were video games and martial arts. Both things in which you could say I excelled.
I'd go to my Karate class. I would spar, practice kata, teach, and feel like I contributed to something and was important and respected. I felt like a golden boy at the dogo. I took every additional class that I could, Shotokan, Goshin Jitsu, Aido, kickboxing - it didn't matter: if it was available I would do it, and I got praised for my skill. At one point my Sensei showed HIS Sensei some recordings of me when I was a white belt at Goshin Jitsu, and he asked "why isn't he a black belt?"
That sort of thing gave me validation when nothing else in my life did.
I thought about suicide and was given medication for depression at this time.
Working life...
I mentioned before that my family was poor.
This has always been the case, and I just got used to it. After all, what else am I supposed to know but my environment?
I got my first job at 14, working during the summer helping developmentally disabled people try to learn basic working skill. I gave all the money to my mom because I knew she needed it. She told me she would pay me back. She never did pay back that money, but she paid me back in much more important ways that don't have a dollar value high enough to price them.
I was told by many people after this experience that I was a good-hearted person to work with people with severe disabilities. People told me things like "I couldn't work with those people" or "you must have a kind heart to do that".
Honestly, I didn't get it. I don't see the big deal. Maybe it's because I was raised without having any expectations, but those people never really bothered me. Sure, it took a little bit of time to get used to the way each of them operated, but once I did it wasn't a big deal.
I ended up working at that place again years later.
But anyway, I had always been told: "Get a job so you can get a better job."
As it turned out, this was awful advice. It kept me from striving to do anything that might have actually been decent. So I worked in menial labor, food service, and retail, all the while looking for "another job", which was always a little better than the last job, but never good.
I tried doing things here and there.
I joined a band. We rehearsed a lot and lived together. In hindsight, it was a good time in my life. I didn't have any debts or responsibilities. But I was also very lonely. We had a whole list of songs but never played a show because one of our founding members insisted on unrealistically high standards. When the band broke up, he went on to join another band and started playing shows. My brother, who was also in the band, moved away and joined a different band and started playing shows. To this day I have never played a show (outside of the events when I was in orchestra / band in school, which I don't really count).
I became a personal trainer. This was one of those things that I thought I could make a career out of. The reality was I wasn't ready to do that. I didn't have the proper mindset to form a business model nor did I have the knowledge of how to work the service as a profitable business. I did ok on the good seasons, but it was a lot of work. I was training at multiple gyms all the time while also trying to hold down a full time job and support my wife (now ex). I was in the best physical shape of my life at that time, but the whole thing ended up being another dud that will remain a footnote of my life. I also simply didn't think I was that good at it.
In fact, I don't think I was really that good at anything.
With every job I worked, I didn't excel. I always just sort of did what I needed to do to not get fired. I didn't care, and to be honest, I probably just wasn't that good. You know how people always act like they're hot shit at their job and other people are just normal shit? Well, I don't think that was me, even in make-believe.
Currently, I am working as a web developer. The job is entry-level because I'm very new to the industry. I took a coding bootcamp and my current company was nice enough (dumb enough, maybe) to hire me without having ANY experience. I was basically a pathetic joke for a few months (I literally had to check google for how to write a for loop). By now, I'm "ok". I'm not great, and honestly I worry about my position. We've hired some new developers lately and my supervisor really seems to like them and hasn't really talked to me as much as he used to. This could be simple imposter syndrome, but I feel like the worst dev in the office even though I technically been there longer than the other 3.
I like developing. I hope I can eventually make this enough to actually cover my expenses. Currently, I'm not making enough to cover my expenses. I basically work non-stop every day until I collapse, and I pray that something else will come around to cover my monthly deficit.
Money...
Money has always been tough.
I've never, ever, ever had extra money.
I grew up in a generation and in a geographical culture that saw getting debt as a good thing. So, along with my terrible work advice (I SHOULD have been encouraged to develop a skill when I was still a teenager), I was given terrible financial advice, which I am struggling to pay off to this very day.
The moment I got my first credit car and used it on something I needed, I've been in debt. It's terrible, and it feels terrible.
Every now and then something comes along, like Bitcoin or Steemit or independent game development, and they give me a little hope and stave off bankruptcy for a little longer, but it's never enough to really get me out of the red.
I live my life in the red. I never have enough money to cover my expenses. Whenever I get a little extra, I try to make some progress on a debt, but lo-and-behold -- another expense will come along and wipe out any progress.
This is a terrible way to live, and I am constantly struggling with anxiety about getting bills paid.
It doesn't seem to matter how hard I work: I am never ahead, and this weighs on my sense of self-worth like a gorilla. Even when people go out of their way to help me, it doesn't last.
I feel like I'm alienating those close to me because of this, but it's not like I'm not working, not trying, not struggling to be better and make more and be productive.
It feels hopeless, but I have people depending on me, so it's not like I can just give up.
I just want to be good at something for once. I want to be respected and recognized and paid a real wage that can support me and my family.
Is that too much to ask?
Well, that's it for now.
I must have needed to do this because I haven't just written out my feelings like this in a long time.
Is it possible that you might feel a similar way? I don't know. Hopefully this wasn't just emotional diarrhea on my part.
If you have something to share, please feel free to do so.
