While I realize some of you might have landed here thinking, How could you not know how to masturbate? plenty of other women have reached adulthood without mastering solo-loving techniques that work for them. For those people, let me just say, relax, because it's OK to have no idea what you're doing. Men are born being like, "Oh, when I touch my penis, I enjoy it" and then that's that. Women have a whole situation going on down there that can be a lot harder to figure out. So Cosmopolitan.com spoke with some sex educators and sex toy store employees to get to the bottom of how to get you off.
Don't masturbate like it's something you have to accomplish or else. Kate McCombs, 31, who works as a sex and relationships educator, makes a very important point: Make sure you have enough time to not feel rushed and have enough privacy to not be interrupted. If you only have five minutes or you've set aside a day like you need to get this figured out, odds are you'e going to be way too stressed to allow the kind of no-pressure chill vibe you should ideally have when you're masturbating, at least in the beginning. So shut your phone on, put on some music that turns you on, and take your time.
Use some lube, because why not? McCombs recommends using a quarter-size amount of lube onto your index and middle fingers, and gently massaging it around your clitoris (the little button-shaped thing at the top of your vagina) and inner labia (the folds inside the larger folds that make up most of your vagina). Sure, you might have enough natural vaginal lubrication to start with, but if you don't, extra lube (no matter where it comes from) will make it a lot more comfortable.
You don't have to focus on the vagina and nothing but the vagina. Carol Queen, PhD, co-author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone, 58, recommends also bringing in nipple stimulation into masturbation, or grabbing your butt or upper thighs, just to see if any of that feels good to you. Part of that is just to get a sense of where you're the most sensitive and what kind of touch feels best for you. Plus, by finding those spots on other parts of your body that feel really good, you're increasing your arousal, which will make touch feel different (and probably better), which is always great.4. Don't feel like you have to start out by jackhammering your clit. McCombs recommends some more low-key playful touching, like running your fingers along your inner labia and along the sides of your clitoris, all the way down toward the entrance of your vagina. It's just a good starting point to get some blood flowing down there, which helps increase pleasure and arousal. Plus, you're getting a feel for what you like and you can always keep repeating whatever is working for you from there.
You can use a vibrator, but you shouldn't necessarily start with that. Queen says that while you might have a better success rate with a toy, using your hands in the beginning can be a great way to learn about your body. Plus, it's also more comparable to the sensations caused by a partner's hands, so if you have any interest in partner sex, it'll help you transition from one to the other more smoothly, and gives you information for your partner about how you like to be touched.
If you need visual aids, get those visual aids. Rachel Venning, Babeland's co-founder and the co-author of Moregasm: Babeland's Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex, says, "The biggest sex organ is between the ears, so engage your brain as well. Remember sexy times from your past, check out arousing online images, or read erotica. Whatever you need to do to fuel that fire."7. If you feel like you need someone to literally tell you what to do, here you go. Venning recommends this as a sample starter move, "Slide a finger between your lips to open things up and then get a little lube on your finger tips if more slickness would feel good. Slide your fingers back and forth from your vaginal opening to your clit. Don't go inside yet, just tease yourself a bit. Try a stroke that is one finger at a time and then slide a couple fingers into your vagina, curling them slightly. Slide them in and out with gusto." Jess Wilde, 28, Lovehoney's bondage and fetish expert, also recommends going in circular motions around the clitoris, rather than back-and-forth straight strokes. Make the circles as tight or as wide as you like to vary intensity. This is a particularly good move if you find direct contact with your clitoris is too much for you and also makes it easier to maintain rhythm when you need it most.
Work some penetration into the mix if that feels right for you. Some women don't use penetration at all when they're masturbating, but if you want to try that, try slowly (or quickly if you prefer) moving your fingers in and out of you while you continue to play with your clitoris. You can also just move your fingers in and out without touching the clitoris; it's really up to you. Basically, you're just feeling around for what you like and if that's penetration with clitoral stimulation, do more of that!
You don't have to just lie on your back. Wilde recommends lifting your legs as high as possible (we're talking knees on your shoulders here) to help you reach the internal parts of your clitoris, or turning on your stomach and seeing if that feels good to you. It's harder to reach in that position, but some really love it, so why not try?