Are you feeling dejected? Gloomy and you wonder if you are depressed? This is very interesting that oftentimes we are down. I myself feel this mood swings all the time, which is normal.
In the past, I would feel down almost all the time. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was struggling with the death of a loved one but that felt that that was not the only reason. There was some sort of sorrow within me that felt very old. I knew that it was not a recent product or even maybe the product of this life.
What do I believe now?
Pfff. This is very weird. Now I have no fixed idea about this. I have been meditating and observing my thoughts since three years ago. It has helped me a lot in seeing more clearly.
But I want to tell you something else about this experience.
They say to be an observer. The first time I actually heard of this, I could not take it seriously and like everyone else, I remained skeptic towards this whole new age tenents. And I did not really want to take it seriously. Here I don't wanna go through the whole process of me getting really into this road. But I deeply want to let you know how I see the events of my life.
I have been really studying the ways I should approach different events. I read and talked to people.
Normally we have a lot of fucked-up moments in our life. The majority of us most definitely don't experience those luxurious romantic fun life in our routines. That's for sure.
Till three years ago I was so much running. I was running for almost everything. I was also an angry and serious guy. I would also gain what I deserved to some points.
Threw years ago, when I was traveling and walking in Turkey, I met this guy. We talked and spent time together. We were doing some gardening work together in the beautiful mesmerizing Datça, south of Turkey.
When talking together, I realized that he is taking almost everything easy. I would fret over the timetable of the ferry. He was like relaxed and his idea was that the best is gonna happen.
I was traveling with a huge backpack and he had a really small one. He would sleep almost everywhere no matter the condition.
He taught me slowly. He actually didnt plan that. I showed interest and he let me know what i was eager to learn. To me, he was like Gary Synder was for Kerouac. The intellectual who taught Kerouac regarding sprituality. Of course, back then I didn't know these characters and their stories.
Yes, That was his backpack
He was also learning. He was definitely learning. The interesting part is that over the years, we have been talking to each other and discussing various concepts eg unconditional love, love, spirituality, universe, father figure, psychoanalysis and so on and so forth, but we have always been refining our beliefs and understanding. Later on, I will talk about him in another blog.
I am digressing. In the following I am going to touch on the issue I firstly wanted to.
Shit happens to us. I and my girl broke up and you know how that feels (of course you wouldn't tune into it if you were a dick :)))) ) There was this other girl who treated me like shit. I had to leave my work and all the issues we all face on a daily basis, and I'm not the only one experiencing them. I used to be down for such incident for two weeks and the whole trauma would break me into pieces and I would feel (really deeply) this excruciating pain. It would take me months to forget the incident.
But later on, I realized that I shouldn't wait for time to help me forget it. The whole escaping from the incident wouldn't help me, as a matter of fact. Then, this friend of mine, only by accident, sent me books and links to videos explaining the methods to face such traumatic incidents. It is funny that the way I look at traumatic incidents, or any misfortunes, is pleasure in fac. The moment I become aware of them, I get shocked of course. But a few minutes later, I see them as a chance.
I'm telling you, folks, getting into this self-awareness and mindfulness business is insane. This whole internal space is profusely pleasing, fascinating and amazing.
What I always remind myself is that, if you don't wanna get lost in the whole incident, be aware that you are a mere observer. Observe it. It's not gonna kill you and I promise that. The moment I observe the emotion and the whole incident, I feel this thirst for knowledge. I feel it in every molecule of my body, telling me "Wait there, you are about to get to know something new about yourself. This is gonna be fun."
And I always know that the feeling is gonna be like a slap into my face because you get to know something new about your OWN self. "But I thought I already knew everything about myself. I thought I knew myself." The moment you realize something new about yourself, although it is pleasing at the moment for me, it is also frightening in the beginning. In the beginning, you do not really want to accept something new about yourself. You had already come to a specific and thorough understanding of your own self. You had your set of values, understanding and you had thoroughly defined yourself.
Therefore, I always ask myself "what this whole process of the events, the shocking misfortune telling me? what does it have for me? It should not be that much one dimensional."
Sometimes I don't get any answer. Sometimes, I get lost in the process and I even forget the whole incident. But, on the other hand, sometimes I find something about myself. I get aware of my limitations, fears, buried structures of my mind, childhood trauma and so on and so forth. Then is the time that everything makes sense. That's when I find the resolution and the extraordinary happiness comes when you know that you are your own healer and savior Afterall and that life is very beautiful.