Spending a Day with my Thoughts

I woke up this morning, like most mornings, feeling a sense of dread. I knew it would be difficult to hold myself accountable today. My love tank is running low, and I’m not sure what I need to be doing to feel more refreshed in the morning, more able to embrace the opportunities that are available every day.

On the property that we are parked on, the outdoor shower has been broken a few days, and the dryer doesn't work. So I’m sitting around my School Bus home, more dank and ripe than I would like to be.

I mostly feel like I am camping out here. It’s never as easy as walking to a bathroom and taking a shower.

My fiancee and I walk across the property, past the owners house, to shower outside. The owners built a real nice outdoor area in the woods, with granite walls, cement and stone walkways, a tall vine covered fence and a small change house.

What was uncomfortable at fist, showering fully naked outside, has become such a pleasurable experience. Eye opening and liberating. When the water heater works, it’s great. When it doesn't, we struggle to get clean. The shower in the bus is not usable for lack of water hookup and being used as storage. We use every inch of this bus for tucking stuff away.

There are several adult-related decisions that I am intentionally choosing not to take care of. My hopes is that sitting down and writing this blog post will produce more value in my life and is a better way to spend my time. I'm writing and working towards clearing out my mind for my mental health, as writing is a great therapeutic tool.

Winning the Lottery!

Everything else in my life can wait. This journal entry turned blog post could be the winner! I could discover the meaning of my life and make some money! Then adulting will be so much easier.

I always hear people say “When I win the lottery!” But they never play. So there is NO CHANCE OF WINNING. Your life will not simply have more money in it by sheer luck. I believe that every thing I write is like a possible winning lottery ticket.

The more I write, the more chances I have of winning in the lottery of Life. All I need to do is submit my intentions in writing.

Office Space

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

I wake up every morning, and wonder to myself why I choose to live the life I’m living.

Why did I make the choices that I did? I did what I was capable of, at the time I did it. If it had to have been otherwise, it would have been, so it’s simply what it is. I guess? Who can really say.

What the funk is the rambling point of any of this? How does THIS HELP AT ALL?!

I have learned that it’s much easier NOT to care. Making the choice to not care, is also making the choice to clean up the imminent mess that not caring causes. Problems don't just disappear, they multiply. On that note, don't consider problems, as much as lessons for change. I try looking at problems as opportunities for growth. Get through and learn from them.

I also live by: “Why do today, what you can do tomorrow?” which is a mantra that no one should be following.

As far as waking up in a depressed mood, sitting snugly on the couch writing, feels like cheating. How could writing something help me? I could be cleaning up. I could be interacting with people. I need to see if the shower is up and running. I need laundry to be done. I have no more clean underwear.

I stare at the screen. Now that it’s time to work, I’m drawing a blank on where to start writing. What life changing thing could I impart on my audience? Surely, they must know I have no idea about anything at all. That’s the beauty of it.

Motivation

“Damn it, this is never going to work.” People don't value a random dude’s writing. Everyone can write, why would they want to ever pay me for it.

So I go on Craigslist and look for work opportunities. I don't want to die in order for my written art work to be worth something. Tell me what you want from me!

As I scroll though the day labor and part time ads, I feel like I can’t do any of these jobs. I look for writing jobs.

While doing that, I asked myself “What articles would I be writing if I found a place that would hire me to write for them?”

So I close my browser and go back to my word document. Why don't I just write what I think people might like to read?

Possibly even somewhat entertaining. If I write whatever I want to write about, publish it myself and get it to the right audiences, I’ll have a nice portfolio of different work to present. Sort of like a ‘write it and they will come’ type deal. (Apologizes for this being total crap, while I’m thinking you might actually WANT to read this.)

I continue writing about how I would like to see my life unfold, which reminded me of a quote I saw recently.

“You can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance doing what you love.” - Jim Carrey

I love writing, so I am taking a chance on that. A big chance. It takes a tremendous amount of time and energy to produce something that’s worthwhile. And what’s worthwhile to whom? To that end, I have a difficult time finishing pieces once I start them.

I ramble on and on, moving from one tangent to another, connecting so many different ideas, that I feel my main point gets lost, and I become discouraged.

I’m now back to feeling that every day is the worst day. What is happening today? I am not hodling myself accountable. Where is the love and gratitude for the ability to spend my time at home, working on a craft that is as old as time itself? I’m selling myself short as to how people might enjoy reading my thought process.

So entertain the people!

“Write what needs to be written.” Saw that somewhere recently. “What are you seeing that future generations can learn from through your point of view?”

Well, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. And I don't believe anyone else does, either. Don't believe the ones claim they do.

I will be 33 in a month and I have learned absolutely nothing. I struggle every single day. As Buddha says, “Life is Suffering.”

None of us asked to be born, and we are all dealing with the fact that we are alive. Why? For what?
I cannot for the life of me understand that every single one of us will get sick thousands of times in our life and then die, that Healthcare is not a standard thing every person gets when they are born. Doesn’t that make sense? It doesn't appear to many people that it does.

Courtesy of pixabay

I’m a “Wantrapeneuer” living a School Bus, not making any money except with virtual currency, which has led me to further believe that money is a complete sham. The most valuable thing we own is our time, yet we will gladly give that up for mere pennies for things we don’t enjoy, and even hate, spending our time doing. That’s ludicrous!

“Nowadays people know the price of everything, but the value of nothing,” says Oscar Wilde.

Health and Wealth

3 years ago I had a savings account worth $24,000 but I was ready to kill myself. Now I have $1,000 left in my checking account, and I feel the most free that I have ever felt. But I still need to trade time in for money if I want to continue living. I want to thrive!

So I write. I love writing. It is my absolute favorite thing in the entire world. I want to do more and more of it. I would love nothing more than for it to create financial stability for me and my fiancee.

Coming up with stories, starting something and then finishing it, feels so satisfying. On the other hand, I have so many half written stories and blog posts, which get worked on here and there, many of which never get finished and polished. Yet I write and I write.

What am I doing? I am hungry. I need food. What am I doing? I cannot sustain this for much longer. My consciousness tells me ”You know what you need to do man. Do it. Be a good, responsible person. Do the things you know you need to do.” As if I know at all what that might be, but I know to tell myself that. Stumbling around with no real idea of what I’m doing. Do you ever feel that way?

As a human, or violent naked ape, like every thing else alive on this rock in space, you have to provide for yourself. If you don't, you die. What is your value to the Greater Goal? You need to be able to attain resources to stay alive.

When I had that much money in savings, I was hoarding an asset that Society deems valuable but I was ready to stop living. Now I am hoarding LOVE, an asset that the Universe deems most valuable. I am the SkoolieLove Bus Driver! Driving Miles, Delivering Smiles!

Isn't that the “dream come true?”

Finding something to be passionate about, then investing as much time and energy into that passion, and be rewarded with a sense of fullness and well being. Being comfortable in a home you built with your own hands, sitting on your favorite chair and writing some fantastical shit.

Surely everyone that comes across it will be inspired and changed forever. All I need to do is write, and all you need to do is read it and everyone feels the exchange was of value.

** Doesn't that sound amazing? **

I have possibly done it! All I needed to do was write, and I figured it all out.

What is your passion that you need to invest all your energy into?

Get a job you funky slob!

Make it a great day, thanks for spending some time in my head.

Post Publish Edit

My buddy just read this and messaged me:

Just read your post, two things came to mind.
I got someone who loves me tonight,
I got over a thousand dollars in the bank
And I'm all right
I've been thinking...anyone can be rich.

Work all the time and get rich. I realize it's all about making the most you can in the littlest amount of time. I want to make a couple hundred dollars an hour so I don't have to work many hours.

On paper, I made $94,000 last year but I was sick more than I ever have been.
Money is important, but time is more important. Sleep. Exercise. Diet.

Love you so much, man. We are living the struggle. Beauty is all around. We are growing wiser and figuring it out.

Thank you for the love my forever friend! This post has already blessed me!