Ah, the Internet, humanity's greatest pornography distribution system ever invented. But before the Internet provided gigabytes of free porn to everybody (and when I say everybody, I mean “you”), primitive systems existed to satisfy our need to masturbate to pictures of naked people. Let's take a quick look at these pornography distribution systems through history:
1 - Ancient Cave Paintings of Naked Women.
Oh yeah baby shake that thing.
Nearly all archaeologists agree that ancient cave paintings found in ancient caves (hence the term “ancient cave paintings”) were painted in ancient caves by single lonely horny cavemen. Since all the actual cave-women were downright hideous, devoid of make-up & had no sweet milkshake ass like Darryl Hannah did in “Clan of the Cave Bear”, cavemen would paint crude pictures of Darryl Hannah in their ancient caves. Grunting like steroid-enraged linebackers, our semi-simian ancestors would then masturbate furiously while making proto-human sounds of pleasure something along the lines of “OOk OOk Oh Darryl OOOooOOk”.
The paintings judged to be the best in quality attracted many cavemen “users” to the pornographic cave “site”, humanity’s first steps towards a world-wide pornography distribution network.
2 – Greek Urns.
What the HELL is that guy doing to that horse?!?
Many Greek urns from the Hellenic period are painted with extremely pornographic images, making them totally unsuitable for sale at Pottery Barn.
Examples of actual images found on Greek urns:
- A Spartan male youth “frolicking” with Satyrs.
- A Spartan Satyr “frolicking” with male youths.
- Satyrs, male youths, & someone that looks like Gary Coleman in a teeny-tiny robe “frolicking”.
- Xena the Warrior Princess & that blonde chick kissing.
- Hercules getting an “Athenian Steamer”.
Rich Greek householders would often place dozens of pornographic urns on their front lawn, charging all single male visitors seventeen drachmas a visit to the collection. The householder with the most popular urn collection would draw “heavy traffic” to his collection “site”. “Image stealing” was a big problem, however; Greek house-owners would often sneak over to their neighbor's lawn and steal the urns with the best images. Greek men would then hide these images in a special clay vase marked “Tax Receipts” to trick their suspicious wives.
3 The Renaissance, or “Plenty o’ Paintings of Pale Topless Women” Era.
"Hey baby, howz about you ditch your skinny sisters and we go attack an Arby's?"
Guys like Leonardo Di Vinci, while not working on mysterious codes for Tom Hanks to solve, enjoyed painting women of ample girth named Reuben, hence the term “Reubenesque”.
In this era, being overweight and pale denoted your social status of being wealthy, as you didn't have to work under the hot sun and stayed indoors eating sugary foods all day. It should be noted this author does the same thing but is mysteriously not yet wealthy.
4 - The Telegraph (1st Precursor To Cybersex).
" ... . -. -.. / -. ..- -.. . ... "
Invented by some guy when everyone wore nineteenth century clothing because it was the nineteenth century, the telegraph sent and received data even slower than that big 2400 baud modem you have in that box of old computer junk from the 80’s in your basement that still hasn't been thrown out.
But this limitation didn’t stop the lustful innovators of the time. While graphical images of women being spanked by men with lengthy waxed mustaches could not be transmitted, young rich bachelors would often describe erotic works of art to their distant friends:
LORD RAMSLEY-HIGGENS-GRUNTLEDGE HERE OLD CHAP STOP I SAY I AM LOOKING AT A PAINTING OF LADY WORTHINGTON WITHOUT HER SHIRT ON STOP I MEAN TO SAY SHE IS NOT WEARING A SHIRT NOT ME STOP I AM WEARING A SHIRT STOP BLOODY HELL THIS IS CAUSING ME A FORTUNE STOP
Early precursors to cybersex are also apparent in other various telegraphic transmissions:
I AM TAKING OFF MY PANTS STOP TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT STOP NOT MY SHIRT STOP I AM TAKING OFF MY SHIRT STOP I AM SO HOT BABY SO HOT FOR YOU STOP OH GOD DON’T STOP DON’T STOP STOP I AM ALMOST THERE MY DEAR STOP I HAVE ACHIEVED ORGASM STOP RIGHTO I AM OFF FOR SOME WENSLEYDALE CHEESE AND TEA STOP
5 Stash of “Playboy” Magazines in the Woods/Park/Abandoned Lot.
"Somewhere, out there in the Great Beyond, there's a mother-load of pornography."
A long tradition of many young males in the pre-computer modern era was to hide caches of pornography in wooded fields or empty buildings, common gathering places for adolescent boys to hide pornographic magazines and engage in mild homoerotic exploration.
Such “hubs” of social genital discussion often provided sexual education to young males, usually in the form of “yeah, that’s her ‘verginer’, looking at it makes me feel funny and scared at the same time.” (A sentiment this author still carries to this very day).
6 - Your Dad’s Stash of Pornography Locked Up in His Den/Garage/Attic.
Let's Explore the Mysterious Vault of Exciting Yet Disturbing Magazines!
Although not as common today, a skill some boys still acquire is learning the art of lock-picking so they may bypass the mechanical security guarding their father’s stash of hardcore pornography. Another important skill gained was ensuring the piles of magazines were in the exact same order and position they were found in, so as not to raise the suspicion of the paternal unit.
7 – Ascii Porn.
Before full graphic images were available on the 'net, this is the type of porn to which your father may have masturbated in the 80's:
{((((((}
{)))))))))
((((( _ _))
)))))) . (.((
(((((( >)))
_)))))) - /(
.-' (((((.--' )))
.-'''''-._ _.-' :: (((((
.` '-. .-' _.-'' :::)))))))
: ':-: _.-' :' .:::((((((
: .: .:: : : ::::)))))))
:. ..:: .:: : ' ::::((((((
:. (::: .:::: : : o ::)))))))
_.-. :. \/ :-'-'-'-'`'-.-'`:: :((((((
__.-' _\ _ :. \ / ))):. :))))))
Sorry to tell you that.
End of Chapter Exercises for the Student:
Visit a museum and masturbate to an ancient cave painting exhibit. Make sure to obtain a pass allowing you to do so from your teacher, principal, or priest. After achieving climax, write a 1,173-word essay detailing the facial expressions on the other museum visitors as they observed you splooge over a plastic ape.
Find a male person of Greek heritage and ask him why his ancestors enjoyed “the butt-sex” so much. Journal his reactions for further study.
Purchase and distribute pornographic magazines for the local male youth in your neighborhood. You may also provide cigarettes and peach-flavored schnapps to create an interested response. Give these to students from your van in the parking lot of a high school. Write down the response from male students, female students, and the police.
Next Chapter: Internet Porn in the 90's: Let's Spend Three Hours Downloading A Crude .GIF Picture of a Pants-less Captain Janeway.
SlackerDan is a comedy writer who enjoys converting oxygen to carbon dioxide, necessary for plant growth. He never, ever fantasizes about frolicking Satyrs and Gary Coleman. At least, not together. That would be wrong.
(This article has been adapted from a similar one posted on an old personal website of mine).