Today I'm going to give you a brief glimpse into the workings of my deranged mind. As it meanders it's way through life. For instance the other day I was musing on "ANAL FISTULA", I don't know what that means. All I know is that I don't want to know what it means. I will not Google the definition. I know what anal means of course, but I know fistula is probably even worse than it sounds. That got me onto the subject of definitions. Stonehenge the circle of stones that gave rise to the word Henge, isn't actually a henge. How the fuck did that happen? Lou Gehrig who famously gave his name to Lou Gehrig's disease, which is a form of ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis), didn't have Lou Gehrig's disease. His condition was caused by being frequently hit in the head by baseballs. Then I saw a new neighbor through the window. I went out to say hi, because she was very good looking and and I wanted her to think I'm nice. Anyway she was taking her pet for a walk and all I could think was "Is that a dog or a cat that can do impressions?". All the time I'm trying to be pleasant and engaging I'm scrutinizing whatever is on the end of that lead, unable to decide one way or the other. Then I found out that polar bears have invaded Russia. Did they learn nothing from Napoleon and Hitler? I can't help thinking they've bitten off more than they can chew there. Finally I spot some joint UK and Canadian research that indicates cannabis use can cause depression. WOW. So you mean it's exactly like alcohol, tobacco, antibiotics, corticosteroids, the contraceptive pill, caffeine and antidepressants. Over eating and using social media also produce depression. Why weren't they looking for something that doesn't cause depression? Because that would be too fucking hard apparently. Since then I've found a dozen more random things that captured my attention. Most of which are not fit for publication. Nobody said this would make sense.
(The copyright to this image is the property of Funny.)
If you ignored the countless flaws and gaping holes Jake's plan was perfect. So good that if it were a woman he'd marry it and make it miserable for the rest of its life. The whole thing had come to him in a blinding flash. The best part of it being that it was simple. So simple it would have to go to a special school. The only thing simpler would have been to get the two of them together then reveal their feelings were mutual. That was too simple. It would never work. Something would happen to destroy it. Something involving him. Something he would be blamed for. That couldn't be allowed to happen. If things went awry he didn't want a trail of evidence leading back to him. Scarlet liked Poppy, was one of her biggest fans. There would be unknown consequences. It might even take him back to the point where the woman he loved would go back to having him scratch that itch. On the other hand.. No. He was changing himself. Making improvements.
What was it the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes had said? If you ignore the obvious then anything left, however impossible, had to be the right answer. Something like that anyway. The best thing about this plan was that it would kill those proverbial two birds with one stone. The pretext he'd decided to use might benefit him in regaining Scarlet's trust. By lying. All he had to do was tell Poppy he needed advice on how to get back into the Captain's good books, in the romantic sense. She'd then tell him all the things that would work on herself in the game of romance. Then he'd tell Norbert to do those things. In a slightly skewed fashion, thus hiding his real motives from the beautiful nerd. There was a chance these same things could then be adapted for his own personal use. This had all the hallmarks of genius. Best to leave it for a couple of days, allow the dust to settle. Keep in with the real genius on board. Make it seem like there was actually some work involved here.
It might be worth running this past Hermes. On the other hand he'd only point out where it was entirely misconceived. The first problem being that Norbert hadn't actually admitted it was Poppy he had the hots for. Believing that Jake had moved in on the target. Now should he promote that fiction? Not a good idea. Scarlet might find out. She could think he actually did have designs on Poppy. The consequences, if any, didn't bear thinking about. This simple idea was more complicated than it first looked. A complex simple plan. There was no way it could fail. As long as he could keep all those balls in the air at the same time, make sure he didn't drop any, especially his own. What could go wrong? His mind reeled away from that. The possibilities were endless. Now all he had to do was wait a bit then find a pretense to bring up the subject. Another question for Poppy would do the trick. A real one that had bothered him in the past. That was it. Scarlet had said that in The Never you could find absolutely every mythical creature you could think of. She'd found a Minotaur and killed it. Zhen had encountered a Chinese dragon and killed that. This knowledge had fermented in Jake's brain. If there were genuine examples of every mythical beast, surely that meant there'd be sea monsters like those giant squids and the Kraken. Cthulhu would be out there somewhere to. What about Superman though?
No, stick to the sea monster theme. It was something he had thought about. All he had to do was raise that question then subtly maneuver it towards relationships and reconciling with Scarlet. It would require some mental gymnastics of course. Nothing he was capable of. All he needed was a huge quantity of luck. He'd had a lot of luck if you looked at things in one way. He was lucky to be alive. This could work. There was even a chance that if it all went wrong the damage would be minimal. A small chance. What was it Terry Pratchett had written? The million to one shot came off nine times out of ten. Although that was fiction it to held a grain of truth, like Sherlock Holmes. If he stopped for a moment to consider things all that would achieve would be to reveal he was teetering on the edge of insanity. His plans were always delusional. It was an exact fit. Given that all of his experiences for the last year or so had been delusions. It might have even been since before that. These memories he had, could have been planted within himself. He might have done it. Uh oh. Midway up the steps he'd been climbing, while deep in this reverie, Jake stopped. Pressing his forehead against a cool surface, he stopped thinking.
"Oh shit I'm really loosing the plot here." He mumbled to himself.
"That's a good start." Her voice made him jump. Scarlet was giving him her enigmatic smile. "It really doesn't pay to become too analytical where The Never is concerned. Took me a while to get used to it."
He still had his head against the bulkhead.
"How long did it take?" He asked. "Only I've been here for either months or a couple of weeks. Thanks to holes in time."
"It was quite a long time." She deflected.
"No. I need an answer for the sake of my own rationality."
"It was ages, I can tell you." Scarlet took another step.
"Please." He wheedled. "I want to know how much longer I have to wait until I reach some kind of equilibrium. How long did it take you to get used to all this?"
"It was well over 3 days. Might have been as many as 4. Before that I was lost."
"What? I've been here far longer than that. Am I retarded?"
"That's one explanation. I'd stick with it if I were you. Don't over analyze." She took a couple more steps.
"You're messing with my head aren't you?"
Her head swiveled back to him for another impenetrable smile.
"Aren't I always."
She laughed and carried on up the steps.
It looked like beef. Tasted like lamb. Those things might even be carrots and roast potatoes. The food was bloody good on this ship. He hadn't eaten anything bad since he'd arrived here. Nothing identifiable either. At some point he should find out who the cook was, so he could compliment them. There might even be a rotation. That could mean at some point he'd be doing the cooking. That was not a pleasant prospect. Any good will he'd built up would vanish if the crew tasted one of his dishes. Pip sat down beside him. They caught up. He found out they were headed to Palamar. Not that it helped him much. Geography had never interested him, except where military campaigns were concerned. It was a vast continent a couple of times bigger than Eurasia. That was quite big. Made up of around twenty different nations, plus a hundred or so city states. A balance of power maintained by the city states being capable of supporting technology the countries could only aspire to. They parted company. Jake headed to his quarters. He'd polish his guns or sharpen something. Once his door was shut behind him he sat on his bunk. Face in his hands.
"You seem a bit down. It's hard to say though. Your vitals are all over the place." Hermes advised.
"You're still there then." Jake replied sulkily.
"You have no idea what it's like for me. I bet you don't even care. Here I am separated from the woman I love. Having to cope with constantly being carried between areas where tech works and others where I can't see a thing. Do you know what that does to my data banks? It buggers them up no end. One minute I've got instant access the next it's tens of nanoseconds slower. That's a long time for me." The bitterness clear in every word.
Rather than take him to task, Jake shifted the conversation. he was too tired to argue.
"Where do you store all the data anyway?"
"There's quite a bit shared out among my biots, but in your DNA mainly."
"Oh God no." Jake groaned. "Does that mean I might at some point father a DVD boxed set?"
"No. That hardly ever happens. Worst case scenario it would be blu ray. We machines have evolved. A lot quicker than you fleshies. DVD came and went a long time ago. I can store over 700 megabytes in a single sperm."
Jake sat up. His melancholy forgotten.
"You use my sperm to store data?" He demanded, horrified.
"No. They only last three days at most. I'd have to be constantly rewriting to new sperms. I use your neurons. They last a human life time."
"That's even worse. No wonder I'm going out of my mind."
"I assure you that's nothing to do with me. My methods have no effect on form or function. Most of the shit in there is useless to you anyway. It doesn't even do anything. I use that spare capacity. You're not insane. Not yet. Brain chemistry is within normal limits. It's time for us to have that talk Jake."
"Wait. I know all about the birds and the bees thanks. The technical bits at least."
"No you tool. You're beginning to trigger past memories." The AI paused. "That's not all. You've had numerous different lives. A large number of them have been lived with me. They aren't so much memories as parts of you becoming active. That takes time. A lot of this is down to things being out of order. Due to circumstances beyond your control. You're two months behind on some things and two months ahead on others. Parts have been missed out entirely. It doesn't help that the timeline is fucked either."
"How come you're telling me this now?"
"Because although you're an idiot, you're not stupid. You've done this kind of thing a hundred or a thousand times before. You knew that things were very likely to go awry. You built in safeguards. A few of those have now activated. There were two islands on this trip that you've effectively missed in this timeline. Both of which would have contained triggers. I'm sorry."
"What fo...." He screamed. His body falling to the floor where it thrashed uncontrollably.
Each one hit him like a tsunami. Parts of lives lived across the dimensions and throughout time. Slamming into him. Pain, sorrow, grief, loss, love. This is why you don't feel. because to feel would destroy you. Fetu, Sade and Poppy died at the Gate. Holding back overwhelming odds long enough for them to get there. His left arm was shattered. A bleeding ribbon of flesh filled with fragments of bone. The Well of Creation. Ursella rushed forward while Scarlet carried his sorry ass yet again. In this place our vow was spoken. An oath thus made cannot be broken. Then they died in the beams of a hundred lances. A promise. So many promises. So many friends. So much lost.
Poppy/Rachel/Stephanie/Ona entered the dining room. Making her way between the tables. The long silver dress sparkling as she eased between the other diners. She sat next to him. A worried look on her face. Reaching out she clasped his hand drawing Luke's attention to her. He smiled at her. Always so brave. Always so modest. Always so uncertain of her own unending strength. Luke leaned in close bending his ear to her so he could hear above the noise of the crowd.
"Promise you won't laugh." She said. her voice forced into self deprecating merriment.
"I promise. What is it?" He smiled reassuringly.
"There was a man on the hypershuttle. You know when you meet someone you instantly know is right for you?"
He looked back at Tania the strength of his smile increasing ten fold.
"I do."
"He was too shy to say anything. We sat there for minutes hardly daring to look at one another. Then I knew he was summoning up the courage to talk to me. He was wearing glasses. Not handsome, but attractive in an understated way. I could tell he was going to ask me something. I knew that would be the start. We'd connect instantly. He was the one. Only just as he was about to get up I reached my stop. I had to get off or I'd have missed this. I couldn't not after all we planned. I knew I couldn't let you and Tania down. I had to get off. We watched each other through the window. He almost waved at me. I want you to do something for me Luke."
"Name it."
"Whatever happens. I want you to make sure we find each other again. One lifetime is all I ask."
"I promise." He squeezed her hand. "When this is over nothing will stop me."
Faster and faster. Wave, after wave, after wave. Filling him to bursting point and beyond.
Pengelly/Martin/Slade/Sato, always the comedian. Girlfriend on one arm. Boyfriend on the other. Gone before he could fully appreciate that dry wit. On and on. Was he going to die? He'd died so many times. Lived so many lives. Lost The One so many times. No. Not this time. Too many wrongs to right. Too much at stake. Promises to fulfill. Friends to reunite. Then it was over. It was only now beginning. The banging at the door caught Jake's attention. He rolled onto his face and forced himself up. The sweat was pouring from every pore in his body. He opened the door. Daisy stood there.
"I heard the screaming." She announced.
"It's fine thanks. Everything is okay."
"It is now Wanderer. About time to. You need to come with me." Daisy folded her arms frowning at him.
"Right. You are correct. However I have something I need to do right now."
Grasping her by the shoulders he gently shifted her out of the way. Then he set off at speed.
"Where are you going you stupid man?" She shouted after him.
"I've got a promise to keep. More than one."
"What about your promise to me Wanderer?"
"You're on the list."
"I'd better be." Daisy chuckled. "I damn well better be."