Instead of bleating about the Oscar's I've decided to rip the shit out of yet another stupid aphorism. I didn't watch the Oscars, like the vast majority of rational people. I don't care who anyone is wearing on the red carpet, and neither do you I expect. All you need to know is that, unless it's some skinny beanpole freak, they are wearing clothes not a fashion designer. Anyway on with the insanity. Today I'm looking at that a ridiculous old saying:-
"THE FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN".
To the uninitiated that means the last straw. There's no coming back from this, in other words. And I am aware that to the non English speaker "the final straw" is also a meaningless idiom. Let's be honest well before the first nail goes into that coffin you can safely say the occupier is pretty well fucked. They ain't coming back. It's not a case of, oh he looks a bit poorly let's stick him in a coffin. It doesn't work like that. Generally you have to be a couple of stages past not feeling at your best before you end up in that human sized box. When they are hammering that first nail into the coffin, nobody is thinking: I hope he gets better soon otherwise once we stick that final nail in he's had it. Maybe we should wait a bit before hammering in that final nail. There's still hope. We'll bang in all the other nails, while we're here, in case it really is that bad. That final nail though? That's going to be it. Once that goes in, there's no hope left. Tell you what. Just to be on the safe side let's not even put that final nail in. We've saved a nail and given him a chance. Who knows, after he's been buried or cremated he might perk up and make a full recovery. Get back to his old self.
Now that I've thought about that a bit more. I've realized that if you don't hammer in that final nail, then the next to final nail will become the final nail and so on. Forget the nails. Let's just put the lid on and leave it like that. This way there will be no final nail. Even better, get rid of the coffin. It'll be cheaper. Carry them to the cemetery or crematorium in a sack. Then empty them out when you get there. All the people can stand round and watch. Make absolutely certain that all hope is gone. If it takes several days, so be it. There's always hope, right up to the point where he starts to decompose and is eaten by wild animals. Now all we need to do is think up another entirely stupid aphorism to describe the point at which there is no hope left. Nobody said this would make sense.
(The copyright for this image is the property of Compare The Coffin.)
Jake's pillow duties ended an hour or so before dawn. Scarlet, who'd striped down to underwear this time, carefully extricating herself from his bed. She dressed quickly. Stood there for a few seconds, before stooping over him. He could feel the warmth from her body hovering there. He waited for what would happen next. Suspecting he knew. The suspense was almost killing him. Why this delay?
"You're awake aren't you?" She stood up straight.
He opened one eye.
"I cannot tell a lie. No I'm not. This is me dreaming. At most I'm half awake. You were going to kiss me weren't you." Jake stated confidently.
"No. I was going to spit in your mouth."
"Mmmm. That's actually turning me on." His other eye opened as he shifted towards her.
"Dream on. Nothing like that's going to happen."
"Which bit are you on about? The kissing or the spitting? Because I'm up for both."
She gave him her look that was part disbelief and part derision.
"No you aren't. I checked while you were actually asleep. Twice."
The Wanderer lifted his cover and looked down towards his groin.
"Oh no. I think it might be dead."
"Only to be expected. It was a poor sickly little thing. It's for the best. Tiny Sparky was barely clinging on, all his life. The overwhelming odds finally caught up with him."
He took another look.
"Hold on. I think he just moved. It may not be too late."
"It was too late the day you were born. The best you can hope for is rigor mortis."
"He did his best I suppose." Dropping the covers.
"Sadly that wasn't even mediocre. Easily forgettable is the most you can say."
"It's a good thing I've got a thick skin."
"No it isn't. An iota of sensitivity in you would be an improvement."
Before he could reply, Scarlet was out the door. He'd liked to think, it was with a smile on her face. Though a smirk was far more credible.
After his usual shower in recycled urine, Jake made his way to the galley. Where he found everyone in a jovial and congratulatory mood. Towards Pip that was. It took him a while to work out she'd been promoted to Boatswain's Mate. That's what had been going on yesterday then. Now, if he stretched reality beyond breaking point then bent it into an unrealistic shape, he might have had something to do with that. He was glad. Mildly jealous, as it completely upstaged his own advancement to Captain's pillow. Still good. Worth a celebration. He generously extended his own congratulations to the newest ship's officer. She'd already outranked him and now had gone even further ahead. Nerd wrangler wasn't on the official roll. It wasn't even a role as such. But if he could reach the giddy heights of headrest in such a relatively short time, there was no telling how much further he could go.
Breakfast consisted of an oatmeal like thing, almost eggs and something that tasted better than bacon. How was that not good? Being a cushion built up an appetite. Fetu and Pengelly weren't present. The rest of the crew did feel more accepting of him. Learning their names became more of a priority than it had already been. Once he'd eaten he headed on down to the hold. Opening the door, with a do not disturb sign on it, to the vast space inside a small exterior. Fuck you Doctor Who. Taking the notice with him he entered. Expecting to have to peel the newly united lovers off one another. Poppy was at her work bench. Squinting at something flat and crystalline. She looked up as he held the sign out in front of himself.
"I took the liberty of removing this. Is that okay?"
She nodded, then ignored him. Norbert appeared at the door to his hut.
"Good morning Jake. Or should I say Wanderer?" He rubbed his hands together with pleasure.
"Jake will do fine."
"We live in exciting times. When a mythical being walks The Never." He grew serious. "I'm not sure how I'll cope, if I'm honest. I don't think I'm built for excitement."
"Me neither. I spent four decades and more gathering dust. Now I'm thrust into those exciting times." He looked between the two of them. "So anyway." Jake grinned. "What did you two get up to while I was gone? As if I didn't know."
"We went for a walk." Poppy answered. "It was really nice. Once Norbert stopped gripping my arm quite so hard."
"A walk? Where? I didn't see you."
"We explored the hold." The female nerd answered.
"Oh I see." Jake tapped the side of his nose. "Taking a rest. getting your strength back from all that congress. I bet that bed is an absolute mess."
Poppy was still examining technical things.
"No. I made them both this morning."
Both? It was dawning on Jake that things had not gone as he'd intended. He could distinctly remember telling them to to go at it like jackhammers. Not in those words of course. Still quite clearly, with no room for misinterpretation.
"So you still haven't done it? I bring the two of you together as destiny demanded and all you did was go for a walk together. You should have been humping away all day with only breaks for sustenance and the toilet. Do you want me to draw diagrams?"
Poppy looked at him sternly.
"It really isn't any of your business is it. How we choose to spend our free time, has nothing to with you."
He assumed his naughty school boy look instinctively. He had been being childishly smutty. His own arrangements weren't exactly conventional. This was supposed to be the future, in a way. There were very few taboo's. It wouldn't have surprised him if incest was encouraged. Norbert had moved up beside Poppy. He was shaking a bit. Looking nervous and proud. He grabbed her hand, squeezing it.
"Poppy and I have decided to take things slowly. We've both rushed into these sorts of things before. Her out of sexual attraction and me out of desperation."
That sounded far too familiar for comfort.
"Of course. I'm sorry. Whenever you're ready Poppy we can begin the combat training. If you like we could set things up in here. I'm sure we could find everything we need to build a range. Fencing practice would be doable down here."
She looked at Norbert questioningly.
"I think Poppy will be glad of a break from me." The nerd decided. "She's always been the outdoors type. We're both going to have to make adjustments. I expect there'll come a time when I'll go up on deck voluntarily." he gave a sheepish grin.
"One step at a time Norbert. There's no hurry."
The instructor and his pupil made their way up on deck. The first training session went well. Poppy quickly gained a grasp of the basics. Better still, she didn't shoot him. Not once in over a hundred rounds. Her accuracy left something to be desired. That would improve with experience. It seemed she'd never fired a shot in anger. In fact the only times she'd fired a weapon were to test a new round or an improvement she'd made to a weapon. It turned out she really enjoyed blowing shit up for experimental purposes. What was it about the women in this alternative dimension that made them love explosives? It could be coincidence of course. Things like this did happen. However it was more than possible he or Scarlet had a hand in this.
Her first fencing lesson had involved the different forms. Stances, positions and how the blade was held. Again Poppy had quickly picked up the facts. Her problem was controlling her body. She knew what to do. Not how to do it. Jake found he was learning things as well. His own compacted training had instilled things in him he was unaware of. Practice blades of course. Nothing sharp. It was clear Poppy had a fear of that. Not that she'd be bad or injure herself. Her concerns were over hurting others. Jake in particular. That needed rectifying. He put up a dummy she could get all stabby and slashy with. In the hope it would release the savage within. Telling her to think of it as a giant seagull helped. There was still some lingering anger. Not enough though. She'd always been this way. Through scores of lifetimes. Some fight out of hate others fight out of love. They were the bravest of the brave though. The ones who would go through hell three times over. Hate burnt itself out far more quickly. Love endured.
Once she'd built up a good sweat he allowed her to rest. They had lunch on the deck. That was another curiosity of this lady. She enjoyed the outdoors. This was her real laboratory. The workbench was her way of taking her mind off things. Burying her intellect in some thorny problem. The afternoon he spent doing the basics of unarmed combat. First, for no real reason, he taught her how to disarm an armed opponent. During which he took a knee to the nuts. Winding him you could say. She sure had a habit of doing things like that. Not bad in itself. It was her apologizing that was more of a problem. Bent double he waved away her remorse.
"No." He gasped. "That was good. Always aim for the tender spot. Hit them where it hurts the most."
Pushing himself up with the railings he met Scarlet's gaze.
"Well, well, well Sparky. It looks to me like Tiny Sparky has had his eggs crushed. That's a shame. I was hoping to do that myself. Good for you Poppy. How are things between you and the other one?"
Poppy gave her a reproving look.
"You know he's called Norbert. We're taking things slowly. Why do you keep pretending you don't know his name?"
"The same reason you keep hitting him in the balls I expect. It's displacement. Men are so bloody annoying."
"That's sexist." Jake interjected.
"Not when it's true it isn't. That was aimed at you specifically. Not men in general. I didn't want to hurt your feelings. My favored target has already been tenderized by Poppy. I'll leave you to your work."
Over the days that followed Jake received a few more blows. In fencing it was usually his knuckles. In unarmed combat. It was always his testicles. Poppy was learning. There was some pride in that on Jake's part. The lessons were sticking. The ships sailed on for another ten days. Until the coast of that giant continent came into view. They were nearing Palamar their next port of call. Meanwhile Norbert had almost completed his precis of the Simbri text. To be fair, although he'd translated it, he didn't really understand it at first. The Simbri didn't think like humans as far as telling a story or explaining something was concerned. Science was darn near universal. Logic as well to an extent. Language was something entirely different. The geniuses smarts lay in other areas. The text was an epic poem written by an intelligent species with an entirely different concept of what a narrative was. The parts that were important to them were secondary to most humans. There were other aliens with thought processes that resembled mankind's. The Simbri were one of the alienest of aliens, as Jake saw it. He knew Norbert would get there. As he knew Poppy would eventually become skilled at combat. These things took time. As things generally do.