I expect he's got a lovely personality - not that anyone will even bother to take the time to find that out.
(The copyright to this picture is the property of AVAAY.COM)
The sun had come up, as it had a habit of doing. Today it was actually visible rather than choosing to hide behind dense cloud. You could smell the ocean on the breeze, as spring finally got into its stride. The hedgerows heavy with daffodils and the woods filled with a carpet of bluebells. It was a beautiful day all round. The best part being that it was the day Martin had hit Luke on the back of the head with a long handled shovel. The enormous satisfaction tempered by the irrefutable fact there were still two more bodies to be disposed of. Michael, Doogie and Doidge approached the garage with purpose. That purpose being to look in the chest freezer. This wasn't brain science or rocket surgery. It was an assessment of the task ahead of them. A sizing up of the problem, which all those who had ever murdered anyone have encountered. The killing is the easy part. Which, if you think about it, is really ironic
To the novice it might seem like a good idea to simply take the stiffs to the nearby cliffs then drop them the hundred plus feet into the sea below. They'd thaw out. At least one of them would either be washed ashore or picked up by a fishing boat. Weighing them down wouldn't work. Once those cadavers were in the water they'd become a feast for marine wildlife. Arms and legs would float away on the tide. There were other options, but they to would have huge flaws. Most of which they wouldn't foresee. Michael lifted the lid. There was no doubt. Among the bags of peas, carrots and assorted vegetables lay two dead men. Both with protuberances. One being the handle of a long sharp knife and the other of a more personal nature. Should he or shouldn't he? In the end Michael chose to should.
"You didn't think to tidy him up then? I don't want you to take this as a criticism, but surely putting his pants back on wouldn't have been that difficult."
Doogie shook his head sadly.
"Wouldn't have felt right Michael. He was stiff as a post, in more ways than one, as you can see. Me and Doidge never mess with another man's junk. It would be against the code. He died happy, doing what he loved. Boning a very attractive older woman. That's every mans dream. Who are we to sully such a marvelous thing? That would be undignified."
"Bullshit. He's covered in frozen sausages, ice cream and lamb chops. Where's the dignity in that?" He hurriedly qualified his words. "That was an entirely rhetorical question. I don't need you to take me on another ramble through Narnia."
"Hold on there. Before you shut up shop I wouldn't mind mind getting some stuff out. Thank you most kindly. What do you fancy Doidge?"
"I'm not bothered." Doidge replied disconsolately. "All the joy's been sucked out of me life. First I got a brainy pencil, which was good. Then I lost me spare finger, which made me sad. Worst of all I've found out me whole life has been wasted by me not knowing Stephanie existed. What's the point. I been here on and off all me life yet cruel fate has tricked me by hiding the fair maid from view?"
"I think you'll find that's more to do with circumstances and her dad not liking you to be honest Doidge. To be fair to him you did burn his church down. I know it was almost fifteen years ago, but massive inferno's tend to stick in your mind. Anyway you were at school with Steph so you must have seen her before."
Michael explained.
"Oh no." Doidge wailed. "It's like me Nan said. My remembery's been taken over by me forgetery."
"Honestly you dodged a bullet there. She was absolutely hideous when she was a kid. Plus she could read, write and compose piano music while you were still figuring out crayons weren't food. Does that make you feel better?"
"Not even a little bit."
Doogie knew what would cheer his besty up.
"Michael's got a surprise for ya." Michael was bemused. "There's a near brand new Mercedes SLK parked in the field over there." Michael was reluctant, which was closely followed by resigned. "You can play with it for a bit until we get rid. How does that sound?"
The keys were duly handed over. Then the 2 friends sifted through the contents of the freezer. Shifting it's contents around to find something that took their fancy.
"Grab a few of them pork sausages Doidge will ya. I'll take the ice cream and chops."
There was a kind of clink. One that didn't bode well. Doidge mumbled an apology while he tried to replace the deep frozen member he'd snapped off. Only his hands were so numbed by the cold that he dropped the penis. They had to rummage around for quite a while trying to retrieve it. Eventually it was found. Close comparison with an actual sausage confirmed that this time they had the correct bit. Try as they might however they couldn't reattach it. Eventually Michael lost patience with the whole farrago. He snatched the appendage from Doidge then stuffed it down the top of an icy sock.
"Right. You two take a look at Luke see if he's lucid yet. Christ knows what we're going to do when he recovers though. There's no way on earth he'll be capable of keeping last night a secret. Luke will have to confess to somebody."
"Should we untie him?" Doogie asked.
"No best leave him as he is for now. Do a last check though. There could be skull and brain fragments we've missed. I'll be with you shortly gentlemen."
It was strange. Try as he might, Michael couldn't help being fascinated by the helmet of an erect circumcised penis sticking out of the top of a sock. It was mesmerizing and not in a good way. Finally he managed to drag his eyes off it. He dropped the lid of the freezer but it wouldn't close properly. There was a half inch gap. Something was preventing it from closing fully. He crouched down to look through the unwanted opening. Raised the cover a few inches to improve visibility. Yet still couldn't see what was causing the problem. The thing was pretty full after all. So he checked it from end to end. Discovering that the obstruction was being caused by the handle of the large knife. It was towards the back and probably only needed moving down a centimeter at most. Maybe if he simply slammed the lid down? No, that didn't work. It popped open again. Grasping the handle he tried to drive it deeper into the chest. That didn't work either. It was locked in place. Perhaps if he waggled it a bit he'd be able to... The knife slid right out on the third or fourth waggle. Michael did the manly thing and ignored the fact his immediate problem had actually been solved. That knife was going back in where it rightfully belonged.
The bloody thing had slipped out with hardly any effort why wouldn't it slide back in? It was as though the very laws of nature were conspiring against him. He couldn't allow this to beat him. That would render his existence meaningless. He'd no longer be a man, he'd be hard pressed to qualify as a child. There had to be a way to overcome this. Maybe if he kind of stabbed it at the hole it had previously occupied. That might work. The blows became harder and harder. The point of the blade bent slightly out of shape. Before he knew it Michael was hacking away brutally. Using all his strength to replace that knife.
"Need a hand?"
Well his reactions were still pretty good. Michael dropped the knife and let the lid down in one smooth movement. Forced an unconcerned smile onto his very concerned face and turned.
"No thanks Sophie." His eyes strayed to the baseball bat leaning against the wall. "Everything's good. It's all good. Nothing to see here."
"That's surprising under the circumstances. Are you thinking that it might be a good idea to use that baseball bat on me? Slip me in on top of the other ones?"
"No. That was the last thing on my mind. You know don't you?"
"Knew ages ago. Of course if you did decide to kill me it would be best to make it look like an accident. Maybe set it up to seem like it was lying on the ground and I'd stood on the bat and fallen. Nobody would be any the wiser. I'll help you if you like."
"No I'm fine as is thanks. Actually I was wondering why I didn't use it to hammer that frigging knife in. I don't suppose you have any idea's on how to dispose of my unwanted guests do you?"
"Of course I have. Now do you want quick and easy, guaranteed unrecoverable or so complicated the police will be totally stumped as to what happened, should they ever recover them?"
"The boys and I would very much like to discuss that with you. We'll be eternally grateful for your input. They're inside. Let's go tell them the good news."
"Is Puke there?"
"Um he sort of is but kind of isn't. It's hard to explain. Let me show you instead."
The two of them linked arms as they strolled towards the house. It was their thing apparently. It was always good to have a thing after all. Sophie lost no time in offering her self to Michael. That was her thing. He'd politely refuse and she'd get dirtier and dirtier. He'd call her his malignant hate fairy or spite pixie. Their verbal interplay spontaneous as well as rehearsed. They came to the door, which Michael opened before bowing low and signalling Sophie to enter.
"Doogie, Doidge. I don't know about you guys but I can't help thinking. One woman, three men and three holes. How about it? I promise not to talk with my mouth full." The men all smiled and shook their heads. Sophie looked around noticing that there'd been a few changes since she'd last been there. "Jeez Louise, either I'm having another epileptic seizure or your new interior designer has some serious mental health issues. So what happened here then?"
Doogie and Doidge assumed innocent expressions.
"It's okay. She knows about our present conundrum."
They explained exactly what had happened the previous evening.
"So where's Puke? And how the hell are you going to keep him quiet?"
They nodded towards the open door. There, hanging on the wall behind it was Luke. Trussed up like a chicken. His head lolling from side to side.
"We think Michael might have broken him." Doogie opined.
Sophie assessed the situation, took a step back then kicked the dangling body in the groin. Luke barely stirred. She gave him another boot to the balls. This time with a run up.
"No mummy I don't want to go to school. I want to stay in bed."
"Damn." Sophie sighed. "That's no fun at all. I might have to get another support worker to torment." With a balletic grace she swung round and took a seat. "Well boys if the gang bang is still off the table I suppose I'll have to give you the other goods. This one's my favorite, but I'll let you decide. Firstly though I should tell you that while last nights work was fine, there's a possibility that while operating in the dark you may have left something exposed. The wheels are going to fall off if any of the mourners spot the tip of a shoe poking through the soil. Relax you've got a couple of hours before the service starts. Now here's my plan."
It was simple, elegant and above all brilliant. There was an old copper mine only a quarter of a mile away. A three hundred foot shaft that local farmers dumped dead livestock and other detritus down. A local builder often emptied his skips there as well. In order to ensure secrecy they'd need to dismember those bodies then put them in the trunk of the Mercedes. Which could then be pushed into the shaft. It would remove all evidence with the added bonus that any tracking chips in the car would be rendered useless. Although given that the previous owner was a criminal they'd probably have been deactivated already. Sophie even volunteered to do the dismembering for them. For this she produced a katana which she'd had stowed somewhere in the immediate area. That would make short work of the Popsicle's although it would seriously damage the blade. Which, as Sophie explained, didn't matter a lot as the katana was really only a poseurs weapon of choice. It looked a lot better than it actually was in a real fight and was strictly speaking merely for ceremonial purposes.
The following morning the Mercedes slowly made its way along the lane. Doidge had been allowed to play with it for a while but was still a bit heart broken. So they let him keep the drivers seat. Doogie took the passenger seat while Michael sat on the trunk. It was a smooth relaxing journey. Their speed hardly exceeding 2 mph. It would accelerate slightly down hill then slow to a literal crawl on even the gentlest up slope. Giving them plenty of time to enjoy the scenery and to console Doidge at his loss. In a very short space of time he and Mercedes had become very close. Michael and Doidge were at that point advising their disconsolate companion that there was still hope left. The lovely and fragrant Stephanie had shown a mild attraction to the curly headed yokel. That was something that could be worked on. Especially given that she was now within walking distance and would be so for some time. They reached the turning for the gravel track up to the mine shaft, which they turned onto.
"Are we there yet?"
Luke bleated. The occupants looked back at him. Smothered in sweat with a heavily, and rather badly, bandaged head. He kept pushing.
"Do ya think we should maybe give him a hand?"
Doogie asked.
"Nope." Michael replied instantly. "But if you're feeling that guilty you and I could get out and walk. Or, and I'm being a fool to myself here, Doidge can release the parking brake."