For a toddler, the fundamental nature of reality can change on the drop of a hat.
Any parent whose child has reached age three will already have an arsenal of stories about irrational explosions.
Seriously, these little tiny humans will have complete meltdowns over seemingly innocuous occurrences. Formally, we call these tantrums.
The cause of this distress usually does not make any sense to the external world, including the parents. But it matters how we respond to these events.
Consider this recent example from my life.
A friend of mine posted on Facebook that her son "is having a meltdown because his lollipop is wet." His lollipop was wet because he licked it.
Twenty minutes later, she commented on her own post "Will somebody please help me?" TWENTY. MINUTES. LATER. He was still in turmoil over his wet lollipop. This is when I first saw the thread. I am no child-whisperer, but some advice popped into my head.
I asked:
Have you tried drying it off for him yet?
She responded:
You're a genius.
He's calm now.
I can't believe that worked.
So what the heck just happened there?
This sweet toddler was experiencing very real anguish. Sure, to the rest of us, he is being absurd. The only way to enjoy a lollipop is to get it wet. But from his perspective, from reality as he perceived it, his reaction was appropriate. For whatever reason, he felt like his candy had been soiled. He probably felt utterly slighted because this was his candy. When toddlers (and even some adults) reach this high-tension state, no amount of reasoning will bring them down.
Sometimes you have to play into the fantasy
This is kiss-the-boo-boo-to-make-it-feel-better psychology in it's rawest form. You don't even need to necessarily understand the underlying nature of their enemy, you just need to come to their rescue. This is not axiomatic, but it has helped my parenting a lot.
A lot of parents find their toddler's tantrums totally vexing (nothing like a good broken-alliteration, amirite?). Don't get me wrong though, I am often in that category. These fits can come on at the most inconvenient times imaginable: while being pulled over by the police, during communion, the dentist’s office, while on a conference call with a client, to name a few that I've experienced. It is often unrealistic to drop everything and tend to their individualized disasters. However, the real problem that I see is not the inconvenient nature and timing of these fits, but a lack of understanding that is evident in common approaches.
Here are a few that I have seen (and improperly used at times).
1. Ignore
From pop psychologists to legit professionals, you can find all kinds of advice centered around ignoring your child's explosions.
The problem with this approach is that it assumes a few things that are not necessarily true. First, parents often believe that their children are "being manipulative." Yes, kids need to learn boundaries and the importance of communication and intentional manipulation is a weapon that kids do develop at a young age. Here's the secret though: their not very good at it. Just pay attention and we'll know when they are faking it or not. It also assumes that no damage is done when the are forced to tire themselves out.
I find that hard to believe. You may have successfully communicated to your child that they will not get what they want by screaming, but you may have also taught them that you are not there when they need you. In their deepest times of sadness, you are not dependable.
2. Bribe
I think it is easy enough to see how this approach will actually lead to the manipulation mentioned above. I want to make a distinction here. Playing into the fantasy is not the same as bribing or giving into their every demand. Playing the fantasy means entering into their world. You suspend what you know about the world, and assume true the thing(s) that they are perceiving. Once in, you parent from that position. You often do not need to correct their mistaken belief in that moment (see wet lollipop example above).
Bribing is a straight behavioral modification strategy. Some alluring thing (usually sugar) is presented to the child to convince them to stop feeling their feelings or to distract them altogether. It is perfectly reasonable to enter into agreements with your child and to reward them for such, but it can easily be abused as a cheap substitute for true intimacy.
3. Shame
In my opinion, this is the most pernicious tactic and is tragically used widespread. I am not immune to this either. In my worst moments, I’ve said things to my kids that I wish I could take back. The shaming approach does not have to involve yelling, but often does. It includes retorts like “what is wrong with you” or “I can’t believe you are acting this way.” At its low, it may involve hitting, name calling, or mocking. I guarantee you, none of these are what any child needs and even if it adjusts the behavior in the short-term, it will not serve the parent-child relationship well in the long term.
At the root of a shame response really is a lack of empathy in that moment for what the child is feeling. Playing to the fantasy requires that you empathize with where the child is at emotionally.
Listen. Parenting is hard.
None of this is meant to make you feel bad for having short comings. Those make you human. Rather, I hope that this inspires you to continue learning and doing your very best as a parent. Learn from your mistakes and celebrate your victories even the small ones
These are just my thoughts. Let me know yours, and don't be afraid to disagree.
Cheers,
Sam