Dead Steemit,
Self love is a mindset I've been seeking for so many years now. I feel that without it, there's not much point to life. Even good things are sabotaged by this voice telling me I don't deserve it, so you can imagine how I feel during the bad. I have such a bad image of self I can tell it's hurting me and those around me, but of course it's not an easy thing to change.
Alone, I am able to love myself now. I can be gentle and kind, and when I do something wrong I can offer myself forgiveness. I let myself be flawed. I think that's the important part. I try so hard to be perfect all the time that I need this time to just let that image of me go and accept the realistic one. I still try to improve and encourage myself of course, but now because of a deep need to please anyone but myself.
Now, this was a difficult place to get to and it quickly slips away the second someone else enters the picture. When I'm around someone else, I try to see myself through their eyes, which may or may not be their actual eyes. They can tell me over and over that they think I'm beautiful, for example, and I won't believe it for a second. It took me this long to love myself, so how could this person possibly do it? Not only did it take a long time, but they don't have to, I do. I'm stuck being me. And i don't want to be me for them.
I am only good enough when I am alone. Everyone I love I believe deserves a lot better than I have to offer, whether it be my looks or love or skill, I can't see them being content with it, and I wouldn't want them to be. This is where I lose myself. I don't want to be me anymore, I want to be what they do deserve. This means going through drastically lengths to become that person, and feeling really guilty and depressed if I can't. I've had to pretend to not have anxiety, starve myself, study subjects I don't understand, do sexual things I'm uncomfortable with, love someone even though I didn't. I am a contortionist, unable to stand on my own two feet.
I don't know if I can do this and claim to love myself since I only can when it's easy, but this journey isn't over yet. I want to become the best me I possibly can, but for myself. I want to be at peace when someone doesn't like it. I don't want to chase them, trying to prove myself or fulfill their needs, I want to let them walk away knowing they will find what they want elsewhere. I want to accept that being perfect is an unreachable goal, even if that means letting people down.
In a previous post I mentioned my many faces and how I involuntarily change for people. While still somewhat involuntary, I do believe I am aware of it now.
Self love is a journey, and I will find myself along the way.
