Dead Steemit,
it recently dawned on me that while social anxiety ruins my life, it might have saved it as well. Looking back at what it has caused me to do, I realize it actually paved the path to where I am today, which is not a bad place to be.
From everyone else's perspective, my huge mistake was dropping out of school. Which, sure, I wouldn't go as far as to recommend to people, but it may have been the best decision I've made. School made me severely anxious and depressed, so even when I did believe it was a mistake, I couldn't regret it. The consequences were better than what might have happened if I had stayed.
That had been the silver lining I always focused on. Now I have an even greater one... my freedom.
I had always been good at math. In grade 1, I was ahead of my class, and my teacher giving me extra workbooks to do so I wouldn't be bored. Fast forward to grade 10 where I came in fourth place at my school in a math contest, got a certificate and a high five from a math teacher with a reputation for being a hard ass. I loved math then and I do miss math now, but it placed me on a conveyor belt social anxiety helped me escape.
Because I was good at it, and fortunately liked it too, everyone just assumed I would pursue a career in math. Engineering, insurance, accounting, whatever. It had to be math. I was too smart for anything else. And I believed this! I looked at the suicide rates in these fields and I thought, no, I'm depressed now but with a secure career I wouldn't have a thing to worry about. I can follow this path and once I am finished with school entirely, I could be successful! Other career paths were off the table. Math was my calling.
The anxiety hit hard, and math too became off the table. I could jump through extra obstacles to get to where I wanted but what was the point. Around this time I didn't think success would ever be a part of my life. I believed I was a failure right down to the core. The one thing I excelled at, I threw away.
In those years from dropping out until now, I have found new passions. I put aside the idea that I was meant for what I am good at and focused on things that could bring genuine fulfillment to my life. I have stared my own business, adopted veganism and anarchy, I meditate and I write poetry and I refuse to live within the status quo. While I cannot know for sure that this life I'm living brings me more happiness than following the conventional path I would have if it weren't for anxiety, I do know for sure that I have more freedom. I don't ever have to feel trapped, drowning in debt, and having a career that's set in stone.
I will take this freedom over security any day.