'' Love has to be drank freely, for its own softness, like a delicious nectar. ''
Reading books on the complexities of romantic relationships and marriages has to be my all time favorite thing to do. There’s just so much to know about how we operate as human beings, both consciously and unconsciously, in the love department.
While the internet culture does a pretty great job at portraying a false representation of what long-term love truly entails, I always believed that educating myself on the topic could do no wrong.
While I’d love to blame society and the digital era for it, I think that I, myself, am part of that society, and shedding light upon the misconception of intimate relationships is the first step to take in order to eventually possibly create a change.
The numbers never cease to shock me.
- 50% of marriages end in divorce.
- And in the other 50% of couples which remain together, 17% of them declare themselves to be unhappy in their union.
- That leads us to a remaining 33% of married couples who consider themselves to be happy with their marriage.
I’ve always asked myself, why, 33%?
Could it simply be a matter of pure stroke of luck?
What are the master couples doing right, that we, could learn to do better?
(Conversation taken from John Gottman’s book '' Why marriages succeed or fail'' )
Dwayne: People told us when we were going to get married '' Oh, your first year is going to be rough''.
And we said, '' Oh no, we love each other'' . We thought everything would be just great and dandy.
Rita: Yeah, we thought. '' We love each other; we won’t have those conflicts. '' Love conquers all. '' Well, it doesn’t. Getting married was like '' Welcome to the real world'' . It really took us by surprise.
The reality of things clearly doesn’t always coincide with how we wished it would be.
But if we want more out of relationships then what they can give us, what could we do to counter the odds?
I remember reading somewhere that in love, we should meet the majority of our needs by ourselves (90%) and leave the remaining 10% to be filled by our partner. When you think about it, expectations play a huge role in unions, as they can either set us up for marital success, or failure.
We all have a different idea/ love map of what an ideal relationship should be like, depending on how we constructed our own love map. Unfortunately, if we don’t grow up emotionally and heal our own childhood wounds, many therapists have said that we are very likely to bring into our own marriage the same problems that our parents had.
The Hollywood movies, the glamorous pictures seen online, the very popular #couplegoals, can mislead us into thinking that the stars should be twinkling every night when we share our life with someone. I’m sorry Katy Perry, but '' baby ain’t no longer a firework'' . These are what I like to call delusional expectations.
Behind the ''being married is like having a sleepover with your best friend every night'', lays the truth, that is:
Reality. Two egos. Setbacks. Divergent personalities. Shared values. Differences. Personal histories. Work. Sex. Finances. Household chores. In laws. Parenting ways. And for those who decide to have children, that alone, is the biggest thing that will forever change and transform a marriage. (and for worse, if the couple remains on the back burner)
Something beautiful and wise I read said by a therapist, about how happy parents make for a happy child is the following:
'' Having the kids at home full-time is a wonderful but temporary stage. It helps to remember that you are a couple first. ''
The challenge, but the importance of a long-term union, also lays in accepting our partner as an imperfect and flawed human being, just as we are.
I’ve mentioned before that the magic ratio is 5:1.
To each five positive interactions, there is one that is negative.
(That’s the ratio Gottman uses to predict the divorce rate)
Gottman has said again and again that the ''master couples'' not only aim for more positive interactions, but they also express admiration and fondness to their partner.
They show each other affection and appreciation for even the trivial things of life.
It’s a wise thing to remember that even a simple thank you can go a long way.
To see the good in each other first, is one of the secret ingredients to make love last.
(Let’s learn to fight the negativity bias!)
We must consciously fight the hedonic treadmill, and not let the kind, and romantic gestures become normalized within our relationship.
Every kind act counts, and they all add up!
It is sincerely one of my biggest wish that one day, courses on love become implemented early in the school curricula. Sustaining long-term unions is one of the most difficult paths of life, and without proper guidance, we are likely to find ourselves asking one day, what on earth have we found ourselves into.
Gottman has said that in each union, there will remain at least one conjugal problem which will remain unsolvable. In that sense, he notes that the couples who will likely remain happy with one another, are the ones who will do their very best to reconcile with their differences.
Even though a Danny Fernandes song called '' Fantasy'' , literally was my jam all the way through my five high school years, long term relationships are clearly not only about ''candle light dinners and trips around the world'', but hey, it’s called fantasy for a reason, right? 😉
The saying ''they lived happily ever after and had many children'' is found only in movies.
Real love will alternate from connection to disconnection, and as much as we wish not to, our feelings will sometimes lie to us.
Our past wounds may come unexpectedly back to the surface.
Even relationship experts struggle with conflicts in their own marriages.
In the end, we are all imperfect human beings.
And unlike the ''Forever promise'' shown in Hollywood movies, nothing lasts forever.
But it shouldn’t stop us from loving our spouse like it will!
I hope you are all having a fab Sunday!
Love you all !!! 💓