I have to hide my true self.

It just so happened that I was constantly losing my friends. It's like a curse was put on me.
Judging by the reviews from former colleagues and friends, I was a "nice and friendly person who was always willing to help."

However, constantly all these friends ceased to be friends with me, for no reason. They just stopped communicating, no quarrels, no disagreements and other things!

I had a lot of friends ... But our paths diverged.

In my childhood I had friends, but my family moved to another city, and I lost my friends. In the new city, I made new friends. I had one close friend. Even his move to another part of the city has not prevented us from seeing each other every weekend. And one day, he was taken into the army. And one day, his aunt came to me, and said that he is no more, he was killed when he was on sentry duty ...

People ignore me constantly on the Internet, too. On any website, forum. I try to communicate, start a dialogue, and all people just ignore me. Suffice it to ask someone about something, write, and so on, and no response.

It's as if I did not exist.

I am always open and friendly, and in return I receive arrogance against me or they completely ignore me.
This is what hurts the self-assessment.

I have no one to talk, no one to share the news with. Not one to ask for help. When I die, nobody will notice.

I change people!

I've got one property ... when a person begins to communicate with me, he is beginning to change. He begins to listen to the music that I like. He begins to lead a similar lifestyle. In general, people change for the better. From this, I feel somehow enhanced. And apparently, it has become another man moves away from me and goes his own way. As the chicks leave the nest as adults. Other explanation I can find.

Childhood

At school I was a "whipping boy".

Endured constant insults, humiliation. Every day for 3 years. The school was torture for me. I did not like school, sometimes skipped lessons to avoid it all. Of course, it has affected my level of education, I studied badly.

And also, my eyesight began to deteriorate, I did not see what was written on the blackboard. And when I admitted that I had bad eyesight, meant even more exposure to ridicule. In addition, due to health problems, but rather due to an error from talentless doctors, I had to take some strange drug. What it was I do not know, but I remember that I had to take these pills with milk. At first, nothing happened ... but then I wanted to eat every 5 minutes, I could not stop! I suffered from hunger! And accordingly, I gained weight. Needless to say, that became more humiliation for me.

Perhaps it is karma. After all, before all this, I, too, along with all, mocked other classmates. Well now I know, I deserve it all.

It all ended when I graduated from high school. I changed just for the summer. Completely changed! I was starving and had grown very thin. Enrolling in college, I stopped being afraid of the people because they did not know who I was at school. Former classmates simply did not recognize me in the street. I became a different person. I started a new life with a clean slate.

I'm for searching myself.

Punk.

One day on one local forum, I found an ad that a punk rock band was looking for a drummer. I do not know why, or what came over me, or how my subconscious played a role, but I wrote to them that I am ready to join them.

In those years, I liked punk rock. But I did not know how to play the drums! However, I had an ear for music and rhythm. Since childhood, I remember I loved playing improvised drums.

At the first rehearsal something happened. But, of course, I played really disgusting. I liked that I was with other people. I liked all the socializing after the rehearsals, but the rehearsals themselves I sometimes disliked.

I was getting the feeling that my lack of skill playing the drums was getting the band down. The band broke up after 2 years, played three songs in one of the amateur concerts. I still blame myself for failing them. But communicating with them gave me pleasure.

Church of Satan.

I've never been religious.
One day it so happened that I was carried by some away articles and the book "Church Satan" that I found on the Internet. So I soon became well versed in the sect (I still keep granted by them, the so-called "certificate" as a memory). And then, I began to take an active and more active role in this church.

I was the first who made an unofficial website, for which I was honored with awards and praise. I was the first who wrote a skeptical analysis of the Bible. And my critiques were very popular! Actually, thanks to them that I became known.

And then I began to get to know ones of the elders. With me, I remember, I spoke to some journalists, a student who wrote some work, theologians, members of the new sect, and anyone with an interest. Probably because I was often on the network. After all, I have never been a part from the college and at home, and did nothing.

But then, I and several other members became disillusioned, and I left the sect.

And then there were various attempts to find myself, I was changing lifestyles and views on life.

Why did I write this? All of the above has given me some experience in dealing with people and the ability to understand who I am and why, to find my place in life.

Pagan Old Believers tried invite me to come, and then I almost became a skinhead.

"What people call life - just a game, but this game is sometimes instructive, and all that it teaches - only lessons from which to borrow wisdom, therefore, ought to live." (C)

Loneliness gave me the alternative to communion, namely: I read a lot of books, of which learned many new things from psychology, philosophy, spirituality and languages.

Have you noticed that being in society and when in the company of others, you do not crave training or self-development? I see this for myself when my brother visits me. I do not read books, I do not ponder any situation and theory, I just talk and spend time with my brother. Loneliness provides an incentive for development. With the help of loneliness, you really will begin to appreciate the friendship and fellowship.

This can be compared with food delicacies. If you eat delicacies every day, they will cease to be so desirable and unusual, and they will become commonplace.

Now.

My current way of life is very similar to Tantric Buddhism, although it is not defined by that as it has no name, and does not need to be defined as such.

Sometimes it's painful and unpleasant to look at people.

I understand why they are themselves, why they have such a way of life, but I do not want to be like them and be with them in the same company. I do not like it.

I never offend for a reason, I never attack, and I do no harm.
Empathy - what distinguishes us from animals.

I value every life, no matter what that life is.
I do not accept what most people love.
I do everything consciously, extracting meaning and benefits from the experience.
For example, I have a meal. I do not eat garbage food, because it does not give to my body anything useful, since it does not contain nutrients.

I do not drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or do drugs.

And that is why people around me laugh or look at me quizzically. They say that I'm lying, sick, abnormal, or "mother does not allow". They say, "in life need one needs to try everything!"

But none of them for some reason, do not try, for example, quantum physics, a healthy lifestyle, or Buddhism.

In life, need to not only try, but also try not to try!

I do not live with the people, but I live among the people.

If only you knew how hard all of this is ... I have to hide it all, and to adapt to the "generally accepted norms", in order not to be mocked.

I feel somehow alien among the people. I have to wear a mask to resemble the people and not be detected.

"No pyramids of authority.
Master has an older brother, nothing more. And he just does the hard work that the others do not overpower. If it is otherwise, then trouble is inevitable.
Authority - this is a mistake "(c).

If you have read Orwell's novel "1984" or watched the same film, you know, all this is happening in my country.
People poisoned by propaganda, people are trying to survive, they are afraid of the authorities and freedom.
All this is laid bare and exacerbated in human animal instincts. The principle of flocks. Not like us - the enemy is dangerous, you need to avoid, or to die.

The population cannot tolerate dissent, any manifestation of freedom, something different from their lifestyle and worldview. In connection with this, people with a different lifestyle, look, worldview and way, becomes an object of ridicule, an outcast, a threat, an enemy.

It's not comfortable for me to live here. But leave (until the border has not yet closed) there is no possibility. It is very expensive, and I make incredibly low wages, and wages continue to fall, while food and services continue to rise in price.

How I would like live in a free country! Be yourself, do not hide anything, not trying to make excuses for my views and lifestyles.

Maybe relocation to another country could change something in me, but I notice, positive emotions in me less and less and I feel less joy and desire to live.

-Secret Writer

Images and gifs: All images are by Stellabelle, all gifs are from giphy.com.