In college, I think I was raped by a girl.

Or at least, "sexually manipulated". Rape is a strong word, but just hear me out.

It was near the end of my first year of college, I was 19 at the time. My friend Jessica was a year older and had a house off campus. We were good friends at the time and we hung out a bunch. Basically zero sexual attraction to her though. (Just not everyone is your type.)

We were watching a movie on the couch, and at one point she said she was cold and got up to get a blanket. I had suspected she had a little bit of a crush on me, and was wondering if she was gonna try to make a move.

We were sitting close and she was rubbing my thigh, and the energy that she wanted something sexual was getting increasingly obvious.

"You're hot, Bryan," she told me, sort of smirking to be tantalizing about it.

I had a girlfriend in high school with whom I had sex with a few times, so I wasn't a virgin, but I hadn't done much of anything with girls at college. And I know it sounds really dumb (just trying to explain where my mind was at the time), but I felt almost like as a guy you need to prove yourself in some way to get laid every so often, like you score some sort of social esteem, and that it's really weird for a guy to turn down sex.

So all those variables at play, I just kind of went with it. She kept rubbing my thigh and kissed my cheek, and I want to admit I was genuinely turned on at this point. She put her hand near my crotch and could tell I was hard, and she laughed and started kissing me more and straddled over me.

I was really turned on.

But being turned on doesn't mean you want to have sex.

I've never dealt well with conflict, and it's something I've learned about myself kind of recently. I'll often do what causes the least friction in the moment rather than what's necessarily right or best. And by the time she had my jeans down I just went with it and wasn't gonna insist she stop.

We did it a couple times, and eventually her roommate came home, and it was kind of embarrassing cause it was obvious we were naked under the blanket.

What happened to me was confusing and in some ways maybe wrong. But I want to be clear that it's completely different than the classic rape situation of physically forcing your way with someone. That's horrific and I'm not trying to draw any comparisons to that. Just, I did end up having sex when I didn't actually want it. I feel taken advantage of. And I think in some weird way it helps me come to terms with it by using a strong word to describe it.

It doesn't mean I think Jess did anything wrong. If she misinterpreted what I wanted or put more pressure on me than she should have, it doesn't make her a bad person, and I don't blame her for it.

If anything I blame myself for going along.

I just wish it was easier to talk about it and get the support you need when something like this happens to a guy. Most people think guys just always want sex, and wouldn't even take it seriously if I said how I felt about it. They'd be more likely to make fun of me for it. And I guess one of my motivations for sharing this is to say that emotional manipulation is a real thing, and that it can happen to guys, too.

I'm doing fine and this wasn't a scaring memory or anything. I have a girlfriend now and we have a fun and, I think, healthy sex life. I do wish it never happened, and for a while it confused me, but I don't think it's hurt me or held me back in any lasting way.

My friendship with Jess was never really the same.

I tried to rationalize it as normal, consensual sex.

The way I'd feel around her though just wasn't right. It could be my imagination, but it was almost like there was an air of her feeling proud about something.

I felt powerless when I was around her. And it just wasn't the same, and we kind of gradually became less close.

There was one time later on when we were drunk and we made out, but we never had sex again, and she never really tried to make another move for it.

We still keep in touch today, just every now and again. Maybe I'll talk to her about it some day. Maybe I'll talk to my girlfriend or some of my close friends. I'm at the point where I think I feel ready to do that. Just typing this out is incredible and makes me feel light. I've never talked with anyone about this before, and it feels great to just put it out in the open and say how I feel. I really appreciate this outlet, and I'd appreciate anyone who has any kind of thoughts or feedback for me. Thanks :)

-Secret Writer

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