Hi.
I don't even know what to write here, or who will read it.
Right now, I don't care who does or who doesn't.
It would appear that I've been here for a year. I had close to $900 at the start of this, now I have $100.
I've expressed my thoughts in various ways, I've also said nothing and kept myself to myself.
I've formed close friendships with few, I've also lost my trust in some.
I've had to fight for my identity, my beliefs and my place in various areas of the network, and most of my actions have gone unnoticed.
I originally came on here to share my talents and the things I love with like minded people, little did I know that my life, my relationship and self would be judged, ridiculed and slandered as though I was a animal at a show.
I'm a strong woman because I've been through a lot of shit times and I've had to get myself out without help from those I love, much less the people who claim to love me.
I've been the most candid I've ever been with anyone, on a server a million strong, for a few cents to a dollar?
I've been accosted for speaking my mind, I've been reprimanded by others for withholding my opinion.
This entire space of continuously forming conversation, initiating and coaxing responses to people who generally don't understand what I say because of how I speak, it doesn't have me thinking that my intellect is a good thing.
Forming and maintaining relationships, platonic or otherwise, has always been difficult for me and I find it easier to be alone.
I've been told that I should change or eradicate parts of me because someone doesn't like it, when everyday of my life I'm changing and I'm not the same woman I was yesterday, or even the same woman I was from the start of the day to the end of it. I'm continuously reinventing myself, like an evergreen tree or the seasons of the arctic.
But I'm tired: my body aches, my mind is going a million miles a second contemplating the present, reiterating caution for the future, constantly thinking of how I'm projecting myself and performing in the present and I have achieved little sleep or solace from myself. But still, to some, I'm not working hard enough to improve myself.
My entire life happens as it does because I work hard to get what I want, and even harder to keep those things.
As I sit at my computer eating my lunch - a greek salad with shredded roast chicken and blueberry vinegarette, accompanied by a glass of water - I am so tired & I realise that my body aches.
This is my third meal in a week, as I tend to avoid food when I'm stressed, and I have been run off my feet organising curricula and financial packages for different companies I'm connected to.
As a typical day for me begins at 4am, as that's usually when I awake, and ceases at approximately 2am when I actually fall sleep, my days are very long. I tend to log on steemit to unwind.
So it vexes me when people cite that a certain bracket of individual's issues are overruled for consideration in comparison to the person who is freely discussing their thoughts of things that vex them, as "important" and "compassion". How is that validation?
While I understand that we all have freedom of speech. at what point is it respectable to have all of your life's finest details, from relationships to the depth of how you know a person, judged and ridiculed as a form of conversation. because you want to be understood and given reprieve for your thoughts?
It makes me sad that, upon whence you have a connection with someone, that that person can freely shit on you and your life, should they so desire to insert themself into your business, whilst insisting confidentiality on themselves and their lives to you.
And furthermore, that you should accept these parameters of the person with whom that you're speaking with as "just how they are", when in turn the person who is interrogating me isn't accepting me for "just who i am" in any way, shape or form.
While I am all about embracing fairness and equality, it is difficult for me to embrace this with those who are not exercising the beliefs in which they are reprimanding someone for, at times by and at large, groups of people who withhold an opinion that the person opposes, just because one person is different from the other.
I have seen alot of this calibre of behaviour throughout my life, both within a professional environment, in addition to within a familial environment and most recently within my personal and interpersonal circles, all the whilst noticing a pattern of "I'm not responsible for what you think of me, but you're responsible for what I think of you."
The sole reason I came onto the platfrom was to take a break from meetings and money and just chill out, have a few conversations while I express my talents for various fields and engage others to see where their talents lies also.
During my time on the platform, all I have seen is tension and conflict: one person doesn't approve of how another speaks of one, one person is exempt from how they treat or are treated by others...and nothing gets done to fix it, because nobody believes they should do anything to bridge the gap of understanding between all individuals involved.
I lead a pretty busy day, whether I'm at my computer or offline: from sorting out financial packages of different rehabilitation and assistance companies to managing behaviours of disabled adults, even though I, in fact, have disabilities.
I often get told to "consider someone's disability" when they're discriminatory and down right mean to me, when the people who are telling me to consider someone else actually forget that I have disabilities too and I am not being considered or respected in my needs and feelings.
I don't usually like to disclose my disabilities, because I don't get treated justly and fairly when I do.
But I can tell you something I've discovered as fact: the stigma is real.
Those who say that someone is entitled to freedom of speech, and that people with disabilities are just as validated and important as those who have no disabilities, are full of shit.
Those who say that they don't judge someone for their abilities, or lack thereof, are full of shit.
Those who encourage expression and acceptance toward people who are villifying you and that you can overcome your tribulations by withholding negative emotion, are full of shit.
I say this because, though negative emotional expression is often conveyed as inappropriate, all of us need an outlet to express how we feel about something that has bothered us, just as much as we have an outlet to express what makes us feel good.
People with disabilities get stigmatised alot: from the way they're condition isn't visibly apparent so to someone with no disability, it doesn't exist, to having to withhold certain natures because someone else's disability is more severe. And, well, things don't work that way.
Somedays, I look at myself and I think "oh, really? it's just a pretty face."
I need to remind myself that I'm awesome. People think I'm rude and underappreciative, when I don't tolerate their shit.
I don't have many friends out of letting go of people who use me for their own personal benefits, and feel affronted when I pull them up on their shit.
It is not upto me to curb or counteract your bullshit and how you feel about you, no, that's YOUR job.
It is not upto me to inject more effort and care to and for you because you don't know how to execute any care to and for me.
And so it is, I may not be for everyone.
People might comment.
People might not.
It happens.
Thank you so much for taking the time to view my work today. Embrace all your dreams!
@StellarBelle
I'm here to make some friends, exchange thoughts and encourage good in people. Thanks for checking out my page, and I look forward to seeing your feedback in the comments below!