Finally... Finally, I am gonna follow through on my eternal promise.
That quick read post I have been promising to write for almost 4 years is finally here.
It truly is a Christmas miracle for sure!
You see, today I have a well defined purpose. Today I have the ultimate test of endurance, an event that will test the grit and mettle of any mere mortal. This event has reduced me to an incoherent quivering wreck in years gone by, (if you've read my posts before, you may think I live in this state perpetually!!!) it has brought me to the brink in a battle for my very sanity.
This mission which may result in an existential battle that only the bravest can ever survive, may bring tears, may result in uncontrollable rage and has a very real possibility of bringing substantial harm and injury to me...
I feel that although today, on the most challenging battlefield of them all, I risk my mortal soul... The spoils that I may gain title to are worth the ultimate sacrifice that I will make.
As long as I have the rights designated to any sovereign individual, I will retain my freedom and I offer up this selfless sacrifice gladly...
After today, and assuming I survive the madness & carnage wrought by demons that exhibit all the destructiveness of hells own harbingers of doom yearning to hearken Armageddon, my name will be spoken in revered tomes alongside others such as Braveheart, Hercules and Jason.
Cometh the hour - Cometh the Steven.
Today my ascent to greatness (whether I survive or not) will be made inveterate, if I do not make it through the next few hours the records keepers of Valhalla will hold my story until the end of time.
So... Uhm... Yeah, I am going in to town shopping for my ladies Christmas gifts today!
Now hold on a second... Whoa! Stand down! Don't you throw that rotten fruit... Hear me out...
So yes, I am going in to the town centre shudder to face the throng of manic, near rabid festive bargain seekers... Recent reconnaissance suggests they are grabbing anything, anything and everything that resides on a shelf, on a hanger or in a box, there have been tales of innocent bystanders being wrestled to the ground for even looking at an item another has set their sights on!
I know I mustn't make eye-contact, oh the humanity!
I will control my fear, keep my emotions in check and plough forward, always forward.
If you've watched at least one episode of "The Walking Dead" you will know the horrors that lie ahead of me, but I will fear no evil... My lady, My Queen deserves the very best (or at least the very best, a dude who works 12 hour shifts in a food factory can muster up).
Oh but the choices... The choices there are dangers and countless perils contained therein too.
You weren't there! You couldn't know... The year of the flying pyjamas still haunts my dreams, I still wake up screaming! I didn't know the material was not conducive to a good nights rest, I was a PJ buying novice back then, but now, now I have seen things you couldn't believe.
Who knew slippers could be an instrument of torture? Not this naïve young warrior, oh but I learnt, I learnt quickly. Did you know that the wrong perfume can burn your retinas almost to the point of blindness when sprayed for long enough?
I would never attempt to buy clothes again, oh no, no, no I learned the hard way, on cold winter mornings I still walk with a limp.
I heard some real horror stories of other men who took a mis-step too. One guy bought his wife an iron, another a treadmill and one newlywed made the absolute rookie mistake of buying his new wife a box of lateral flow covid tests last year!!!
Of course, as you suspected all along I jest Dear Reader (kinda!!!) although the flying PJ's story does has "some" basis in truth.
My lady is extremely grateful of my "best attempts" to buy her cool gifts. I have fallen short of an A grade many, many times though.
The problem stems from the fact that she is notoriously difficult to buy for though it has to be said. Others have stated this too so I have some provenance for my claim. The thing is, she believes she is easy to buy for... Oh no! I will stroll around town like a zombie in the vegan aisle at the supermarket, unsure of every choice I make.
Then there will be a spell where I believe everything is a great choice, "yeah, everybody loves rubber gloves... Oven cleaner... Monopoly... A quarter size scale model of Ironman..."
Then the cold sweats will "kick-in" and I will question the things I have purchased. "She's not gonna like it, she's gonna hate it, what was I thinking? I'm an idiot... Maybe I should not go home, live in the forest instead, I can catch and kill my own food... Oh wait, I'm a vegetarian!!! I'm so confused...)"
Eventually I will reach a state of semi-coherence and achieve some degree of equilibrium and make the very best choices with the knowledge and budget I have available and hope for the best. We all know deep down that Christmas isn't really about the gifts anyway.
In many instances, the very best gift we can give to those we love most in the world is our time and attention. So often life get's so busy that we do not give as much of our time to those who deserve it most of all. If Christmas is the time when we are able to address this most then let's try and make the very most of it.
However you are spending the holidays, I hope you have the best time possible and as always I would like to wish you all the health, wealth, wisdom and happiness in the world to you and yours from me and mine. I hope 2022 sees you achieve all that you would wish for most of all.
Oh I just realised... This isn't all that short a post after all, is it? Oh well, the wait goes on for the unfulfilled promise. Maybe that's a gift I cah give to you soon my friend.
Thank YOU for taking the time to read my post and if you're one of those amazing people who like to hit the comments section... Then I doubly thank YOU!
Either way I want you to know that you are appreciated!
