As a kid, when people told me their dreams, I thought it was like every other dream, that I would simply go to sleep and dream that I'd be a doctor or lawyer and then I'd know what to study in school. So I went to bed many times, hoping that my own dream would come. It never did.
It was difficult for me to decide what to study in school because I couldn’t figure out myself then. In fact, I just couldn’t decide because decisions freeze me.
Knowing that a decision I’m about to make will make a lasting impact on my entire life scares me a lot, so, I always want to make the best decision, we all do.But I’m a perfectionist too, before making a decision I want to look at it from all angles I want to be sure that the the pros outweigh the cons and this causes delay which is not usually a good thing. Sometimes I think I might run off on my wedding day because some part of my mind will keep reminding me “once you do this you’re never going back"
I think we remain on a path of self discovery, that as we get older we find out more about ourselves, things we haven’t been conscious of. Sometimes we get to be told, other times we just realize it. For example, I just found out recently that I’ve been bearing grudges. Someone accused me of being things I never thought of on a steemit whatsapp group. I was angry I was thinking, here I am spending precious time helping out and someone dares to say this.
When I told him he was wrong, he acknowledged it was a misunderstanding. I ignored him, and I had no plans of having a conversation with him again till days later he texted me and noticed I was still angry at him and he apologized and now we talk everyday. My point is, if someone had said to me, "Hey, You hold grudges, I wouldn’t have agreed but it happened right there and I saw it. Reflecting on the situation opened my eyes.
I love to reflect, to go back in my mind and go through the things I have done in life. Some of my friends tease me when I say I’m going to think about my life, it’s something I say all the time. I always want to improve myself. I believe this is why we’re called beings as in 'be-ing', same way we call a house that is fully constructed building. Because we’re always under construction and maintenance, we always have the chance to become better versions of ourselves.
The book '48 laws of power' calls it re-creation, we get to form a new better identity, not just the roles the society has placed on us.
This writeup would be incomplete if I fail to add how much I love reading and how it has shaped my thoughts and subsequently, my life. I think books are somewhat magical. Through books I can get to know a writer without even meeting the person. Sometimes, it's as if the author is talking to me directly and I'm sitting at his/her feet listening. So basically, I am also a summary of the books I’ve read.
I have always been interested in psychology, I like to know the reason behind human reactions and as such, I care about mental connection. Within my first conversation with someone and I already know if we're going to be friends or if I'm going to keep the next encounter very short. my instincts usually work for me in that aspect.
I've had my own share of struggles. I've fought with depression for a long while, and I think I'm gradually winning. I now have fewer days where I just want to be invisible. This is why I prefer helping others to the best of my ability, I don't like to make things about myself. Being able to make someone smile gladdens my heart because I know what it's like to be caught in the quicksands of sadness and I don't want anybody close to me to be there.
As for phobias, if there are 100 recognized phobias in this world, I have 60. I'm not telling though.
Who Am I, Really?
Normally, I'd prefer to have others answer this, to know if the way I think I am is really what people think I am, but I'm afraid the answers will vary. I have noticed how we seem to be different kinds of people to different people, especially based on how comfortable we are around different people. For example, To my dad -I might just be this little spoilt girl; To my siblings -I have to be stern sometimes; To my friend, -someone who listens, who is bold, always says her mind; To my workmates -someone very shy and doesn't really like to talk; and To my steemit friends -someone who likes making friends, who wants to add value, and likes to be heard.
What I'm just really trying to say is, I like the person I am when I'm with you(dear steemians).
I'm simply Sussan, and I'm a summary of my perception of the environment I was brought up in, my experiences, the books I've read and the friends I've made. I don't have real talents, like natural talents. I just love to read and talk about things. I can't even ride a bicycle!
Thank you soo much 
I hope I haven't said too much though