If you read my previous postings you'll see some very strange and possibly offensive posts. I'd come up with ideas and post things that the time were either influenced by a crazy idea to gain exposure or votes in an attempt to gain monetary gains. I did this all the while knowing no amount of monetary gains would help me find happiness personally , but thought I'd be able to change things in a positive way to help others. The thing is I don't think I can ever real know real happiness because of the path I went down coming into this world. I'm not saying this in order to get sympathy(I grew up being told I only said things to get sympathy) but only accept that fact. My reason for thinking/feeling this is my mother died right after giving birth to me and that's sent me down a path of self-destruction. I was never able to completely destroy myself even though I've come close many times and some how I ended up bringing kids into this world which now forces me to stay on this planet. Plus I think suicide at this point is now not an option because even in death I don't think anything is guaranteed(what if you die and you have to watch all the you cared for suffer?). I use to think I wouldn't commit suicide because I wasn't strong enough to do so, but now think I was just lucky and it never happened in one of my drunken attempts. These are just my ramblings I intend to share to hopefully help myself and maybe find others who can relate. I've spent my life pushing people away want to stop doing that and hope I can find others trying to do the same. Small step but still a step all the same.