The commonly believed idea about giving up is that it's something obvious which everyone can see and say "this person has stopped trying" but from my experience lately, I can say it is not as clear-cut as we always think. Sometimes giving up happens silently internally for a long time before it becomes obvious on the outside.
Based on what I've been going through from the non-successful job hunt to the increasing money woes, I have seen how it's easy for a person to start holding back internally even if externally they still seem " okay." You can still wake up and go about the day and attempt to do something, even if internally something is shifting.
There are certain times when the weight of everything becomes too heavy and I don't want to respond the way I used to, it's not because I don't want to try, but because of the pressure from bills, uncertainty and not moving forward taking a toll on my mind. At this point, if care is not taken you can be "giving up" without anyone realizing.
You starts with losing hope, and not expecting things to get better. You stop making plans like you used to, and simply accepting situations you normally wouldn't, not because you want to accept it, but because it's easier than looking up to something you know likely will not happen.
It's here it gets dangerous because outwardly, people see you and believe everything is normal and still fighting; you are present and you are doing something. However, internally, your spirit and emotions has started be
giving up.
There have been times I have wanted to run away from everything; not because I have somewhere else better to run to, but because I am tired of facing the same trouble over and again. There have been times where a single morning without breakfast and the thoughts of bills yet to be paid felt heavier than they perhaps ought to be and at such moments, giving up isn't about taking a decision but from a slow withdrawal sensation.
This is where I begin to understand that not giving up is not about refusing to quit physically, but a refusal to not withdraw mentally even when the world feels as though it is pushing you to do so. A decision to remain in yourself, even when you do not have all the answers, but can continue with at least some sense of hope.
For me, it has meant trying to remember that this is not the end of my life, and this current situation is not the final version even though it's real and feel very heavy right now. It has meant accepting that things aren't going according to plan but choosing not to accept that they will never go according to plan.
I will not pretend that this is easy because there are times when I am almost overwhelmed, and the thoughts themselves become heavy and hard to bear, but they are the moments where not giving up is most important, perhaps in a very quiet way and in the refusal to lose yourself completely.
Maybe survival is not always about achieving something huge; sometimes survival is not losing who you are along the way and maybe that is what not giving up means.