Written by: The Pretender
September 4th, 2014
12 min read
Original published URL: https://www.stickmanbangkok.com/readers-submissions/2014/09/i-came-to-pattaya-for-the-sex-i-left-with-anal-warts/
Gentlemen,
It has been a while since my last submission and I have had 2 more trips to Pattaya (or – as some of you wags have dubbed it – Sodom and Gomorrah by the sea).
Upon returning a few weeks ago I picked up a hand mirror (and not to look at my reflection – thank you to those of you who have kindly emailed me to give me your expert diagnosis that I am a narcissist – I somewhat concur). Instead – I used the hand mirror to take a look at my behind. My anus. The reason? Strange new lumps I could feel that were never there before. Oh no…What could they be? Haemorrhoids I thought but no – haemorrhoids they are not, gentlemen. The doctor told me (with a rather stern look on his face) that I have a nasty case of anal warts. His stern look became even sterner when I uttered the word “Thailand”. As my uttering continued his face turned sterner and sterner – you can imagine the progression of sternness as the words rolled off my tongue “Pattaya”, “Soi 6”, “ladyboys”, “receptive and penetrative anal sex with ladyboy(s) (plural)” and so on…
Some may say that I have lain down with dogs and have got up with fleas – a bit harsh – have you seen what is available in the dating market to a 35-year-old separated or divorced man back in the West? Others may say that this is the lord’s way of telling me that I am a sinner. That this is a warning to me and in the future I may contract something much more serious. I thank God every day that he made me an atheist gentleman. Anyway – this article is particularly for my enemies who I no doubt will really enjoy my pain and suffering. I must say that I am particularly looking forward to uploading my anal wart story to my YouTube channel because I have a troll – a man of the cloth – one Revered Eslam who has taken a particular dislike to me – he calls me a “Pathetic Fornicating Bisexual Aussie Prostitute Hunter”. I thanked him for the shaming language – I really got a good laugh out of it.
A Stickman fan of mine emailed me once and said he would pay me money for more articles like the one I wrote about my experience with proctitis, anal fissures and urinary tract infections caused by my liaisons with ladyboys.
I do hope in particular that you Sir enjoy this latest submission by the Pretender just as much as the proctitis one. I have really enjoyed writing it. I have earned the right to speak about this topic because I did come to Pattaya for the sex and I have indeed left with a nasty case of anal warts.
Introduction to the Human Papillomavirus (HPV)
Human papillomavirus (HPV) is the name of a group of viruses that includes more than 100 different types that cause infection on the skin surface. Certain types of HPV cause warts on the hands or feet, while others can cause visible genital warts. However, sometimes HPV infection causes no warts, and many people with genital HPV do not know they have it. The wart virus is mostly cleared naturally by the body’s immune system.
Evidence suggests that the majority of individuals who have ever been sexually active experience one or more genital HPV infections during their lifetime. Most HPV infections clear spontaneously.
HPV and genital warts are usually spread by direct, skin-to-skin contact during vaginal or anal sex. It is also possible, but rare, to transmit it to the mouth by oral sex.
Warts may appear within several weeks after sexual relations with a person who has the virus; or they may take months to appear; or they may never appear. This makes it hard to know exactly when or from whom you got the virus. For most people the body’s natural immunity will get rid of the virus over time.
Imiquimod (Aldara™) cream is a patient applied treatment for external genital and perianal warts. It is safe, effective, easy to use, and offers an alternative to tissue destructive therapies.
Surgery (cutting off the warts) has the advantage of getting rid of the warts in a single office visit. However, treatment can be expensive and the healthcare provider must be well trained in these methods. Recurrences still do occur.
I was most probably infected this time last year – when I had the proctitis, anal fissure and urinary tract infections. HPV can take time before causing a breakout of warts. Thinking back to that unpleasant episode – I knew I must have had got something quite serious given the agony I was in and the enlarged lymph gland on my left thigh stayed somewhat enlarged for some months afterwards.
All up – this latest anal warts episode has been an expensive lesson what with my first consultation with a doctor ($80) to my 2nd consultation (a referral) to a colorectal surgeon ($145) along with a prescription for the expensive Aldara cream to clean up the warts ($123) and an upcoming date with the colorectal surgeon's scalpel ($800+).
Some may say that I have played Russian roulette with my health and my life with my engagements with the ladyboys of Pattaya. Some may ask – has the Pretender finally learned his lesson? Surely now he will reflect on his unnatural behaviour and stop his high-risk sexual gymnastics?
Let me make this crystal clear for all of you. Especially to those of you – my enemies who I rather enjoy and appreciate receiving anger, hate and/or rage filled emails from in regards to my activities with the ladyboys of Pattaya. Are you ready?
I’ll be back.
That's right gentlemen. I will be back in Pattaya in December – I have my flights and hotel booked and paid for and hopefully I should be all cleared of HPV by then. For you see, Sodom and Gomorrah by the sea has been very good to me. I have had so many great times and have so many beautiful memories that I cannot let a nasty case of anal warts stop me from coming back to visit my Thai and western ex-pat friends. Yes – it seems that I have not learned my lesson.
I bet those of you who are my enemies are feeling very satisfied about my latest anal warts misfortune. I picture you sitting in judgement all high and mighty in your condos in various parts of Thailand feeling very satisfied right now as you read this latest submission by The Pretender – that filthy ladyboy fucker. Very satisfied indeed. I wish you gentleman all the best and I harbour no resentment towards you.
Just remember – It will take more than a nasty case of anal warts to keep The Pretender out of Pattaya. My activities will continue. Nothing stops – you hear me? This latest misfortune has not deterred me in any way from my high-risk ladyboy liaisons. Just so you know – I will not change my behaviour in any way. I will continue my freedom based / different ladyboy every night lifestyle. I will not repent for my sins nor will I apologise. Shame – I have none. Guilt – I will not feel. Pity – I shall not waste my time with. Remorse – I refuse to acknowledge. If anal warts are the price I pay for my freedom from monogamy with western women then so be it. You have to balance the good with the bad. There is a price for everything in life. I choose to pay this price willingly.
I want to tell you a bit more about why I will be back in Pattaya as this part is really quite important. Lest we forget gentlemen the underlying reasons why many of us came to Pattaya in the first place – problems with relationships back home.
Alcoholics have what is known as ‘a moment of clarity’. I have this clarity in relation to my activities in Thailand, I can assure you of that. You see: my worst day with anal warts so far has been better and more enjoyable than many of my best days in monogamous relationships with western women and I will tell you why. The warts don't nag. The warts don't complain, bitch or moan. The warts will go away by using the prescribed Aldara cream and a 30-minute outpatient surgery by a colorectal surgeon. The warts will go away relatively quickly – unlike my relationship with my ex fiancé that dragged on for way too many mind numbing years (7). If this is part and parcel of the price of freedom from monogamy then I shall pay it willingly. I will continue to pay it. For nothing is worse than a bad relationship (anal wart surgery I imagine is better – time will tell) and as I lie on the operating table I will conjure up images in my mind of all the nagging, all the complaining and all the shit tests, mind games and rubbish I put up with in my past monogamous relationships. If this is the price of my liaisons with ladyboys then so be it – it beats monogamy any day of the week (which as we know has its own substantial ongoing financial risks and costs – not just one off costs like this irritating case of anal warts). I have no regrets, gentlemen. Pretender says (and you can quote me on this), “Anal warts – part of the costs of freedom from monogamy”. Anal warts – simply a cost of doing business in Pattaya”.
Let’s be clear: surgery will entail a colorectal surgeon with a scalpel cutting into my anus to remove the warts. Yes it may hurt. Yes – I will probably be in some pain. Yes – it will take me some time to recover – all of that. So be it. If my father were alive today he would say “Son – you have laid down with dogs and you have got up with fleas. You have acted in haste – now you will repent in leisure. You have made your bed and now you have to lie in it”. I could go on but I won't. I didn’t tell my mother about the warts – that stern lecture would be many, many times worse than the stern look on my doctor's face when I dared to utter the words “Pattaya” and “ladyboy(s) plural”. Mother dearest would be clutching the walls and screaming ‘Jarod noooo…” flailing her arms about wildly (picture the most hysterical woman you know, times that by a 1,000 and you might be close). She already doesn’t sleep very well whilst her son is away in the land of smiles – sick with worry she says.
I will be prepared gentlemen for my next trip to Pattaya with backup supplies of Aldara cream on hand for any future anal wart breakouts. I wonder if I can buy Aldara cream in Thailand and how expensive it is? Those of you who live in Pattaya – if you know where I can buy Aldara cream please email me and let me know. I would appreciate it. I can imagine the emails now from my enemies “Dear ladyboy fucker – Fascino Pharmacy in Central Pattaya Road sells your poof cream and remember – God hates you!”
Anyway – in conclusion – I will continue my adventures in Pattaya. I will continue to engage with multiple ladyboys and women too. I will continue my sexual gymnastics. Pattaya can be a minefield for the unprepared – it is hard enough being prepared – Sodom and Gomorrah by the sea (apologies to my friends who live in Pattaya – I understand it is your home – I use this term in fondness – you know how much I love it there) can chew you up and spit you out. I wrote this article to help those of you who will follow in my high-risk ladyboy liaison footsteps. May you learn an important lesson from it: be careful out there!
Remember: I won’t feel any shame – I won’t apologise – for there aint nowhere else to go quite like Pattaya!
And be kind gentlemen – HPV is so common that practically every person who is sexually active will get it in their lifetime. It is the ‘common cold’ of the sexually active. No stigma attached.
All the best Gentlemen,
The Pretender
Stickman's thoughts:
This is not the first health issue you have had on your adventures in Pattaya. It does make one wonder whether this was a case of bad luck or whether you were partying without a party hat. If you were unsheathed, then I have to say (for the umpteenth time) that I think it's highly questionable.
When you talk about warts up your butt – not on the surface but actually up the pooh chute – it would seem that you were on the receiving end of unprotected anal sex from a transgendered Thai sex worker. From what I understand about contracting STDS, that carries the highest risk and what's more, it was undertaken with what probably constitutes about the highest risk profile of partner! It's your life and you're free to live it as you please, but now we're getting in to – and forgive me for being judgmental here – extremely high risk behaviour and extremely questionable judgment.
By all means have fun, but WRAP UP and if you're indulging with men or ladyboys, make sure they wrap up too!
Frankly, I don't know if Pretender is genuine or not, and my feeling – having reread a couple of his past submissions – is this is a hoax. That these submissions are not posted to a ladyboy-centric site and that the guy has a strong misogynistic bent make me wonder. It's very disturbing if it's real, and equally disturbing if it is not. Those who do this sort of thing and those who would make it up, I mean which is more twisted? I won't name anyone publicly, but I can't help but feel this is the work of someone who used to post to the site and who no longer does. I won't mention any names. Of course, I could be totally wrong and it could all be genuine…
- It should be noted that Pretender has since emailed me and explained that he does NOT indulge in unprotected sex.