It's funny how we sometimes let ourselves be dictated by tools, only designed to help ups, not to control us.
Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I look at the clock, see four numbers (22.04, slowly turning to 22.47, then 23.20) and immediately judge myself.
[context: I still have to make dinner for myself tonight. This is something that used to happen quite frequently during my transition. I didn't mind/care at that time. It was someting that worked. Somehow eating late, really late, just felt better/made more sense, I don't know. I got a loooot of critisism/questions at that time "oh, that's weird", "OMG, that is really late", "what??!", that made me really struggle with just accepting my rhythm.]
Tonight it's confronting me again:
I'm not taking good care of myself (because if I would eat at normal times, I obviously would be taking care of myself).
I'm not normal (but hey, I already concluded this a few years ago, so nothing new there)
I'm not healthy. Because normal healthy people obviously always eat at normal/regular times....
OMG that's so boring. [not to judge people here that do eat at normal/regular times, everybody needs to do what works for them. For me, it would be boring, I need to break the/my patterns. Wow, that's a new/old insight!]
Ok, writing this helps.
I know what works for me. For me, taking care of myself means letting me follow my own movements.
Sometimes that means doing stuff that looks unhealthy, or like not taking care of myself. But actually I'm just giving myself time and space to be, to move, to feel, to explore......
I want to learn to trust that feeling more.
Trust myself and my movements.
I am taking care of myself <3
play: Gidge - Growth