I forgave my rapist today.
Hurt, pain, anguish and depression had been a huge part of my life since I was raped three years ago. The world lost its beauty to me and nothing was worth anything again. Hatred was one very intense emotion I felt too, particularly towards men. I had no mercy or compassion when I saw a man suffering in the hands of a woman, I simply felt they deserved it.
The men that suffered for it were really those that were ill fated to like or love me, they usually didn't know that all I could feel towards them was pure hatred. So my happiest times were times when I squashed hearts and had men looking at me like some sort of wickedness from hell with so much disappointment. I always felt that they had to partake in my pain.
Then I met Tunji; an ex-con with a heart of gold. He was convicted for sexual assault and it was over twelve years ago but he still was filled with so much guilt and regret and you could see it all over him that it weighs him down.
Tunji started an NGO for rape victims, he helped them with getting good lawyers and with medical assistance, he provided for therapy too. I stumbled on one of the posts about his NGO on Facebook and I felt a tug somewhere in my mind that maybe I needed help, that just maybe the weight on my soul could be reduced.
I found my way to the centre, it was luckily not far from my hostel. Then I was led to the therapist who kept probing and probing and I was just feeling like it was all pointless. I was almost resigned that I couldn't be helped, so in a rush of downcast emotions I ran out of the room and bumped into Tunji. I didn't know who he was then but he held me and refused to let me go. After struggling for a while, I broke down and he allowed me cry on his shoulders, then he led me to his office.
Somehow, he knew what was wrong, he knew I didn't find what I wanted, that I thought I couldn't be helped, so he opted to tell me a story.
I really can't tell the story like he did but at the end of it, I saw a broken man, a man who made a mistake a long time ago and could not forgive himself. He told me how he wished he could ask for forgiveness from the girl he raped but she died soon afterwards. He was just a drunk teenager, high on coke and peer pressure; somehow he only realised what he had done after it was too late.
Everything he did afterwards was to redeem himself but he couldn't because he had not forgiven himself, so he moved around with a baggage of guilt and pain and could never be happy.
I wanted to cup his face in my palm, I wanted to wipe the tears flowing shamelessly and tell him it will be alright. Then it suddenly dawned on me that I couldn't help him, he was the only one that could help himself by forgiving his past and immediately I realised it was the same situation I had. There was no way I could release myself from the weight of hatred and depression except I forgave my rapist.
I told Tunji what I thought and felt. I told him to forgive himself. He tried to argue with me but I told him we had to try. So we promised to forgive; he promised to forgive himself and I promised to forgive my rapist. It was better to try than to do nothing at all.
So this morning, I took hopeful steps to my ex-boyfriend's house; memories of the day he raped me with his friend ravaging my mind and taunting me but I was determined.
I knocked on the door without much conviction that I could follow through with it. Everything changed the moment I saw him; he looked beaten and downcast.
Tears flowed down his face as he saw me, I couldn't stop mine either. We kept on staring at each other with tear filled eyes for what seemed like hours before we went into the apartment.
The house was just like I remembered it when I fled out with blood between my legs and my dignity in tatters.
We spoke for an hour.
He had AIDS, he didn't have much time to live and he was filled with pain and regrets.
I cupped his face in my palms and looked at him straight in the eyes.
"Alex, I forgive you from the depths of my soul, now you have to forgive yourself." He didn't look like he believed me but I meant every word and I told him so.
He cried like a baby on my legs and my heart broke to see him in that state but I knew he would have to fight his demons on his own.
I left his house with a light heart and free spirit, I had imprisoned myself for so long with hatred and pain that freedom felt alien.
But it also felt good.
Very good.
I picked up my phone to call Tunji and as his voice swept into my ears I smiled with hope and joy.
"I forgave my rapist today."
©Onashile Peace (tolarnee)
Hmmmm... So i wrote this as a challenge to myself that i could write happy and peaceful stories. Actually a friend and my sister have been accusing me of only writing sad stuffs for a long while so i decided to give happy a chance and i am glad about how this turned out.
Make no mistake, this was a really hard topic to write about, especially because of how i feel towards rapists but then at the end i realised that carrying the hurt on your head and back would only hurt you more so as difficult as it seems we must learn to let go.
I hope you liked this and if you did please dont forget to upvote, comment and resteem. Much loveeeee