James Bond
James Bond is a shitty spy. This is a rather untimely remark to make in light of the recent demise of beloved actor Sir Roger Moore, but it had to be said. Actually, it didn't really, I could have just used Ethan Hunt as an equally viable example and took my chances with Tom Cruise dying by the time I finished this article. Hopefully I'll remember to make the change before I post this so as to not come across as a dick, but if I don't: hang in there at least for another few days Sean Connery or you'll make me look even worse!
Subtitles: dang da-da dang dang, dang da-da dang dang [Gunshot]
So why is our favorite world renowned, womanizing, speed boat racing, violent prone, borderline alcoholic in a tuxedo a bad secret agent? Oh...I see, I think I just answered my own question. In addition to the fact that he is famous, he uses his real name, 'Bond,' and in case the villain missed it the first time around, he'll repeat his full name: 'James Bond'.
Presumably he's not very representative of real world espionage agents. After all, what do you expect from a guy who chose his code name based on how much the last digit resembles a gun? So what does being a real spy involve and more importantly, how do I sign up?
What Do Spies Do?
The most impressive feat I see spies pull off consistently in movies is when they're stealing information from an enemy database they're always able to insert the USB stick into the computer the right way around on the first try. Honestly I'm so damn bad at this that I'm just happy to get it right on the first go when removing the damn thing. But what else do they get up to?
Spies are renowned for their Sherlock Holmes cosplay
Spies are agents of international espionage - their job revolves around collecting important information that other nations wish to keep confidential in order to gain the geopolitical upper hand for their own nation. It would be akin to someone from Synereo joining this platform with the purpose of scoping out and sabotaging their competition. The follow up movie would certainly be entertaining: The Spy Who Flagged Me.
Spies mostly attempt to do this either through surveillance or by recruiting prospective turncoats like, say, an Iranian scientist or an American President, to feed them highly classified information on an ongoing basis.
Although spies employ a very particular set of skills, skills they've acquired over a very long career to achieve this end, certain myths ought to be dispelled.
- Spies aren't all really hot - Extracting information via sex is frowned upon in the U.S. although other countries like Russia continue to use this technique. This is why I'm always suspicious of exotic girls who aren't resisting my advances before the roofies kick in.
- Spies don't drive fancy cars - Most spies don't get to drive Aston Martins that can travel up walls and shoot heat seeking missiles out of its exhaust pipe and transform into a giant sword wielding robot when required. That tends to go against the whole 'clandestine' theme.
- Spies live really dangerous lives - This isn't entirely true, most spy work is relatively safe, but they do tend to endanger the lives of their informants. I guess snitches get stitches everywhere.
Overall, although you do become privy to certain secrets and can't divulge them to even your closest friends and family, spy work is mostly comprised of the same dull meetings and monotonous paperwork that comes with most jobs.
How Do You Become a Spy?
You can't choose to become a spy, they choose you. Nah, not really; you can just go to the CIA website and apply like it's a position for a check out clerk at Walmart. And unlike the KGB, I'm in with a chance too as the 'no soliciting information via sex' rule means you don't even have to be good looking.
Not the best looking website, but then again do you need one if there's no ICO?
Aside from awesome USB skills, what other attributes are they looking for? Well you need to be a U.S. citizen, have no criminal record, hold a bachelors degree and additional skills like speaking multiple languages without an accent, experience living abroad, serving under the special forces and being an X factor finalist all greatly increase you odds of success.
Well the chances are slim but I've still been working on my intro line: 'The name's Gar. Trafal-Gar' Hmm...yeah, needs work.
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