There are some memories that don't make noise or announce itself with drama, they just come quietly and stay heavy and stubborn in the chest. so this is one of those memories, as it happened years ago, and now sometimes it feels like it happened just yesterday, really funny how time just flies.
So I had this friend, he wasn't the kind of friend that you meet up and greet on certain days, he wasn't a friend that i remembered only on special occasions like birthdays, etc. No... He was the kind of friend who knew me in and out,he knew me without needing to ask what's up, and i same with him, we were really close buddies, He was that friend who knew when I was lying if I said, "I'm fine." he was the kind of friend who felt like home,
How we met was actually simple, it wasn't anything special at all, seriously, there's no big story attached to how we first met, It was just one of those days where you meet someone and just start talking to them, and just like that, we never stopped.
We talked about everything that comes easily to us. Dreams, fear, family issues, our future plans, the kind of life we would want for ourselves, you know that kind of friend you are free to talk to about anything. Yes, him, And sometimes we talk about nothing, we just sit and occupy each other's space, and this also feels like everything. Now that I am looking back at these memories, I know that there was something else then that was growing between us, slowly, quietly, it was like a secret both of us pretended not to notice, but it was there, none of us ever said anything about it.
Maybe this was mostly because we were scared of losing what we had — "our friendship." and just maybe we didn't want to become vulnerable to each other, or maybe we thought it wasn't the best time.
omoo... Seriously, it was all lies we told ourselves then.
Then a particular day came, one evening like that, I remember we were sitting outside my house, it was just the two of us, with the sky doing that orange and blueish thingy at the same time, It was a beautiful and quiet evening.
I noticed he was unusually quiet, and so I asked "You okay?" " I'm fine," he said, but I knew he was not, I wanted to ask him more questions, I wanted to say, "Talk to me," "You don't have to carry everything alone" and "I care about you more than you know" but I didn't, I just said "Alright."
It was a small word, but I regretted it big time, he looked like he was going to say something, his mouth opened slightly, then he closed it again, then it was just pure silence, a heavy one, If I want to be honest here, I will say that was the moment everything changed for us, and it was not because something bad happened or anything like that, but because something important didn't happen, we never said the things that were begging to be said.
We continued talking, but not like how it used to be, replies came slower, conversations became shorter, and slowly the comfort faded away, then one day, he told me he was moving away, just like that, no explanation, no long speech, "Im leaving next week o' He said.
I thought he was joking and so i laughed and said "You no even serious"
"No, I'm serious," he said.
Inside me something broke, I immediately felt like crying, I wanted to say...
"Dont go"
"Stay"
"I need you"
But I didn't, I just said, "Okay na, That's a good one for you."
I was already screaming mentally at myself for this, " Nonesenseeeee" I said to myself.
On the day he was supposed to leave, I didn't go out to say goodbye, I told myself I was busy, I said goodbyes were awkward, I said to myself, we would still talk, deep, deep down, I knew I was just scared of reality, scared that if i saaw him , I would say the things I had been hiding, and scared that he too might have something to say.
We chatted for a while after he left, and then less, then rarely, then not at all.
NO fight, no argument, no closure, Just silence.
Years later... I still think about him sometimes, not in a romantic way, just in a human way, I wonder what would have happened if I were braver, if maybe he had said something like, "I care about you." Maybe we would have tried, just maybe...
But No, we said nothing and that remains the painful part, Not Knowing.
The things we didn't say don't just disappear overnight, they become questions. they become "what ifs."
And from that experience, I've learned something.