I fall,
deep into the source of my pain,
comfortable in the boundless seas of my despair,
I search for her face,
the warmth that guided me here.
The magic within this moment
seeking to be held,
to rediscover the layers of my discomfort,
I rise unburdened,
transcending,
weightless,
into the core of my being,
such awareness,
threaded into the flames
that transform
and release.
I breathe,
each breath baring witness.
Suspended,
beyond belief,
to another time,
held within my memories,
The gentle sound of her voice, guiding me
reminding me,
of this, heightened sense of self,
I fall to pieces,
every part of me lay bare,
exposing,
the raw beauty of this gift.
swept away, with this,
the power to surrender my grief!
With each year, the void remains and I seek to fill it, with her memories, with our love for her. This heaviness has been with me all week, as I re walk the path of her suffering. Oh how I wish I could have been there more often.
But I did not want to accept that I would lose her, I refused to see the truth, that she was deteriorating. Until it could be denied no longer.
There are so many things, I wanted to do with her, for her. Mostly I wanted her to suffer no pain, to be healed and released. I will never understand why, it had to be that way. Why one of the most amazing people I shall ever know, was made to suffer so much.
I have regrets, how could I not. I wish I could have been more, done more. i wish it did not have to be this way, but it is and all I can do now, is love her, celebrate her, remember her.
I Let my tears fall and they anoint the earth, that she too called home. Remembering how 3 years ago, this would be my last night with her, to hold her hand and sing to her, to tell her to just let go, even though I was not ready for her to go!