On the summer Solstice, I had a little fire ritual with my friend and our kids. I gave everyone some paper and a pencil, so that we could write down what we wanted to let go of, what no longer served us and feed it to the fire. It is very liberating and one of the simplest rituals you can do.
A big thing for me was expectations.
I tend to expect too much of others, as if at times they should be able to read my mind, especially as I am not the most open person, when it comes to my needs. I mean isn't it obvious when someone needs something. All the while. forgetting that other people have their own stuff to deal with, their own lives going on.
Hey I'm only human, after all!
It's funny cos I spend so much time in my late teens and throughout my twenties, trying to convince myself and prove to myself that I didn't need anyone. That the only person I could rely on, was myself. That when I actually did start to let my guard down, I am left with these expectations.
I guess it is all about balance, I know I can do things myself, but not if it wears me down and burns me out.
So I am working towards that and having such high expectations is something that I needed to let go, so that I could become more accepting in my life. It's not been so easy though. I have had two different experiences lately that really tested my ability to actually let go.
It's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes, to really see what their life is like and what they go through. I try, but my life is all consuming, that I find it difficult to imagine what it is like for others.
I'm trying at the moment to take some time for myself. Which as a solo home schooling parent, is not so easy. It's all about prioritising at the end of the day and I know that I deserve that time, I'm just not very good at putting myself first. But I also know that when I do take this time, it is showing my girls how important self care is.
Some weeks are better than others. If for example one of my girls is unwell, then I have less time to think of such things.
This week, my youngest was poorly with a high fever, she had been at the river the day before and I imagine she was suffering from a little heat stroke. Her body knew exactly what to do. That night was very restless for us both, but she felt a lot better the next day.
Later that day, one of my friends offered to drive us all to a pool, where the kids could swim and we could relax. I was hesitant as I didn't want my youngest in the sun too much and also because I was so tired.
Just come and we will look after the girls and you can get some rest by the pool. (They would also be other friends of mine there) In the end I went and we found a wonderful shady spot under a huge tree. I told my youngest she had to stay in the shade with me, unless she was in the pool.
It was a lot cooler here, so after laying my towel down, I started to feel very relaxed and knew that I could easily drift off. My friend once again said to me, you have a siesta and I'll look after the girls.
How could I refuse, I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the kids in the pool and I soon felt myself drifting off. But before I slipped into a peaceful sleep, I decided to just have one last look to make sure all was okay.
When I opened my eyes, there was no one around, ah they must be in the pool. But they weren't and there was my youngest at the edge, with no one watching her. So much for a siesta.
I got up straight away and went to her. Looking around to see where her sisters were and my friends, who both said they would help out. I felt so let down and also angry, that they would just leave my youngest, who can not swim, by herself.
When they did come back to the pool, it turned out that they were both at the bar getting some drinks. "We were not gone that long", was what I heard. "We are here now, go take a siesta now".
But I was fuming to be honest and I gathered up my things and went home with my girls.
When my friends tried to talk to me, as I was leaving, I told them that I needed to be alone, I as too upset, too disappointed and too tired to talk with them.
Expectations hey!
I know that I have every right to be upset, no child should ever be left unattended by a pool, or by any body of water. I left thinking, how I can only ever rely on myself. Feeling that wall, which I had got quite good at lowering, shooting back up again.
Yes expectations are a funny thing, I tend to expect from others, what i would do myself. But again, that is not fair, because we are all different. So I am still working on it, perhaps it's easier to just go back to how I was, doing everything myself.
But how long before I get burned out and what am I showing my girls, if I return to my stubborn ways! Just remembering to breathe in these moments, really helps. Lets see what next lesson awaits me!
