I sit here trying to deal with these tornado of emotions. Feelings of sadness, despair, anger, frustration and then an overwhelming sense of love.
It's like a roller coaster, I'm questioning why? trying to make sense of something that is so unfair and through it all trying to carry on with my day to day life.
I cannot allow myself to go down that path, where I over analysis everything. As a mother, I have my children that need my time and my energy and they are my constant reminder that life carries on.
That flow that we have in life, that flow that I love to talk about, can slow down but it must not stop.
For me, writing allows me to maintain that internal flow, a way to work through my emotions. To acknowledge them, accept them and let them go!
I have been doing this since I was a teenager, writing down how I feel, writing poetry, writing stories, exploring ways to deal with the many emotions that I experience. This is coping in a way that felt natural to me, that allowed me to help myself, to heal myself. Because letting it all out verbally did not feel like an option.
We still live in a world where an open display of emotions can make some people feel uncomfortable, it is totally unacceptable for us to get angry in public, anger is frowned upon, seen as a threat, as dangerous. But it is an emotion that we all experience, it can be used to fuel some major changes in our life.
But the same can be said for crying in public, or being upset, people tend to shy away from those who show their vulnerabilities. We have to stand tall all the time, put on our mask as we walk around trying to deal with this internal struggle inside. Damming ourselves up.
Why is it that we can get so emotional over fake shit in movies and T.V. yet not get upset about what is happening to our brothers and sisters abroad, in war torn countries. We have become numb, we have some where along the line flicked a switch in order to keep our emotions in check and keep walking proudly with our heads held high.
I know that I put pressure on myself to appear a certain way. I certainly want to be seen as strong and together, but why, where does this need come from. Why the hell can't we just be allowed to be a wreck sometimes, just let it all out, to fall apart.
To become empty, so that we can fill ourselves up again!
I write all this as I try to make sense of a life taken too soon. Trying to figure out what I can do to help the two people in her family that have been left behind. I write this to help me deal with all these emotions I feel, because as much as I would like to let it all out, I do not. I hold myself together, I put on my mask and carry on. I allow writing to be my therapy, writing and music.
Music, it can carry me, it can bring me such peace and surrender. It opens the door to many locked parts of my life, in a second, it has the power to bring me back to a time where I felt happy or sad. I have been on some of the best journeys of my life whilst listening to some pieces of music. It has brought my emotions to the surface and helped me to release them. It is such a powerful instrument for self healing.
If my emotions were music this is what they would sound like right now.
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