Joke 1: A Magician is driving his car, and he turns into a driveway. (Its funny cause of double meaning)
Joke 2(I modified the hell out of this joke): So a man dies, and he goes to heaven (JUST FOR THE SAKE OF THE JOKE, THE CHRISTIANS ARE RIGHT, IM AN AGNOSTIC, PLEASE DO NOT BECOME UPSET WITH THE SILLINESS.) a man greets him( YOU CAN IMAGINE THIS DUDE IS A WOMAN IF THE THOUGHT OF A MAN IN HEAVEN UPSETS YOU, PLEASE DO NOT BECOME UPSET, THAT WOULD MAKE ME VERY SAD.) the man says "welcome to heaven, you made it, allow me to show you around.) the man who died accepts the man, and heaven, and asks the tour guide," Look, man, I just died, is there anywhere I can get a cheeseburger?" the guide nods his head and shows him the cheeseburger lines, one long line for the Red Robin (YUM) cheeseburgers, and one short line for the McDonalds cheeseburgers, the tour guide says "Remeber, you'll be spending the eternity here, and everything you see here will be here tomorrow. The man says "well since there's a long Red Robin's line and a short McDonalds line, and the Red Robin line will be there tomorrow I'll go down the McDonalds line, and he chooses the McDonalds line, since everything will be here tomorrow, and on the account that he just died, some food would be nice to have right now. The man waits in the line, eats his cheeseburger, and goes back to the guide, and says "You know man, I just died, is there anywhere I can go to get a pastry? the guide only nods his head and points towards the two pastry line, The German(HEIL HYDRA) pastry line, and the French(COWARD) pastry line, the French(sacré bleu) line is much longer than the German(ANGELA MERKEL) line, showing the combination of Protestant and Catholics together, brings happiness to the man, but the man chooses the German(THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE SHALL RISE AGAIN) Line over the French(NAPOLEAN ICE CREAM IS OUR FAVORITE). The French are superior in taste, but the man who died was an American who believed in the alt-right(He's a neo-nazi), he wasn't against the French(Baguette), he just wanted to support his "Home Team". The line was also shorter, and since there was barely a line for the Germans(Chocolate I guess? I don't really know what they're known for) he waited in the German(Economic Powerhouse) ate his pastry, and went to the guide and asked," so I just died and all, and I'm rather thirsty, parched if you will, is there anywhere I can get a drink" the guide nods to him and shows him to the two drink lines, the Soda line, and the Fruit Punch line, now the soda line has unfathomable amount of people in the line, you can't see the end, just souls stretching miles on end for a soda, and in the Fruit line theres nobody there, so he says to the guide "I think I won't go down the soda line, Since Theres No Punch Line"
(The Base of the Joke is my English teacher's, 70% of the filler is mine)
I need to go to bed now, night yall.