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One of the biggest issues facing humanity in this modern day, is the issue of child sexual abuse. This problem has proven to be global in nature, causing untold pain, trauma and psychological torture to both victims, parents and society. For me, this has always being personal, seeing this evil tear families and communities apart and feeling the lifelong effects change the trajectory of a person’s life. Child sexual abuse in Nigeria is one of those worst kept secrets, made worse by our African culture of silence and the fact that the African parenting styles have a lot to do with intimidation, manipulation and punishment.
In the last two weeks, Nigeria, especially Port-Harcourt has been rocked by the story of Ifeanyi Dike, who raped, murdered and mutilated his 8 year old niece, and tried to dispose her remains in a sack bag in the middle of the night. This macabre story made waves because it ended in a gruesome death for a young, beautiful and innocent girl, but the biggest lesson learnt from that incident is that fact that this act was perpetrated by a trusted family member, who has carried this child as a baby, thereby earning her parent’s trust as a relative and a natural champion for this child.
The statistics on child sexual abuse is alarming, and makes for sleepless nights and worrisome days. Ninety percent of the molestation cases involve the child’s relatives. Ninety percent. We used to think that this was a western phenomenon, simply because they were more open about it, victims came forward, some sued, the news and every media carried it. For us in Africa, we shroud unpleasantness in mystery and secrecy, using intimidation, shaming and stigma as weapons that enshrine our denial of reality.
Our peculiar African notion of family and brotherhood, makes it worse for us, when we entrust the care of our young ones into the hands of cousins, nephews, nieces, uncles, aunts, friends, acquaintances and in-laws, trusting them wholly to ensure their safety and well-being. This laissez faire attitude, puts the child at enormous risk, leaving them at the mercy of care givers who have little or no oversight. The matter is further complicated when a child reports inappropriate behavior and gets punished for being in that situation in the first place.
While growing up, I still remember severe beatings and punishment which was meted out to me because I found myself in compromising situations with ‘uncles’ who had known history as child molesters. I got the brunt of the punishment because my mother believed I should have been sensible enough not to allow myself be lured into their houses. This gap in parent-child communication has accounted for the gap in intervention in child molestation cases. It is obvious that in Africa, we find it very difficult to differentiate childhood from adulthood.
If African children begin to talk about childhood experiences, it is obvious that our region will be declared a human and child rights disaster and emergency area. We need to be more proactive in forestalling sexual abuse before it happens and arm ourselves adequately to deal with the fall out after it happens. Girls are not the only ones at risk, cases abound where boys are molested by uncles, care givers, and even the clergy. The dangers abound and we cannot just relax and trust everyone around us to be normal and sane
We all have stories of uncles rubbing us on hard objects we thought were torches in their pockets, only to grow up and realise they were erections. How can we forget uncles who accuse our mothers of keeping us away from relatives, only for our mums to force us to visit and said uncles touch us inappropriately and tell us they want to make us feel ‘special’. Are you likely to forget the uncles that fingered you when no one was looking, or squeezed your budding painful breasts, or the aunts that touched growing penises, making them hard and excited?
Who has forgotten the maid who strips the boys naked, sucking their small penises and then asking them to lie on top of her? Or are we likely to forget the randy pastors who touch us and hug us too tightly and for too long? A lot of childhoods are being stolen right under our noses and we then turn around and accuse the kids of being taciturn, anti social and general trouble makers. What happens to the child who speaks up? They get beatings, blames and get shamed. No one sympathises with the child, because in our warped imagination, the child should know better.
As parents, we need to be more observant, alert and ready to tackle these issues because they might be happening right under our noses. We also need to communicate better with our children and be ready to champion them and believe them when they say stuff. No child will go through the stress of making up such uncomfortable stories just to get noticed. Not African children at least. Today, cases are more common where fathers sleep with daughters and mothers will blame and call the daughter a liar and accuse her of trying to steal her husband.
I will never forget the furor I caused in my house when I reported that one of my dad’s apprentices was touching me inappropriately at night. This guy was in the choir, speaks in tongues was all round good guy, so they hard a hard time believing he can do stuff like that. My parents were torn, especially when the guy started crying and denied everything. My uncle believed me, and stopped the guy from sleeping at home, only allowing him to bunk in the workshop and come home to bathe and eat. I got my little revenge by spitting in his food. Every time.
We all need to be on guard. Watch the kids. Watch those watching the kids. Don’t pass off your responsibilities to others because of convenience. Family members no longer enjoy the squeaky clean reputations they once did. No. Everyone is a suspect and to protect the child, I would rather err on the side of caution. It goes without saying that girls get more sexually abused than the boys, but they are not left out too. We need to suspend or reduce extended holidays, where the children are out of our jurisdiction, be very mindful of the company they keep and also be wary of relatives who are always around and seem to enjoy particular closeness with these kids.
We should also listen and pay very close attention to what the children say and try to intuit that which was not said. When a child is very uncomfortable around a particular person, even your spouse, take it very seriously. The worst thing to do is beat a child for actions that were not initiated by him or her. Face the adult squarely. Pedophilia is real. Pay attention. We take a lot for granted and mortgage the future of our children. Sex education plays a vital role in forestalling sexual abuse. They are never too young to arm themselves against predators and monsters.
Miss eloquent