Okay, this post may be met with some objection I am sure, but facts are that what you will read are true and are about my personal history with drugs. I am neither proud nor am I ashamed of my past. I do not condone drugs for others yet, I will not lie and say a part of me does not miss some of the recreational behavior I was involved in.
The Edge Of Good And Evil
(On The Edge)
I have always lived on the edge of good and evil, right and wrong. I do not know why really but if someone said "forbidden" I had to either challenge it or prove why it shouldn't be forbidden I guess. When I was 17 years old, I joined the U.S. Navy and was stationed in San Diego, CA. I did what always seemed natural and made friends with all the wrong people. Over time drinking became a bit of an issue and along with that I added drinking while taking pain pills. This never presented a problem until a night of depression where I drank maybe my 3rd pitcher of beer and downed half a bottle of pills. Fortunate for me all I ended up with was being wiped out physically for about 24 hours and left with a sick stomach.
LSD (Acid) : Overdose
(Overdose)
During my naval period I found some friends to hang out with regularly at Mission Beach and Fiesta Island, 2 big party spots and discovered something my artistic side absolutely adored called acid. It comes in paper sheets and is about the size of tic tac when torn off the sheet. Each one has a drop of "acid" on it that causes you to hallucinate. You see crazy things, for me I was obsessed with watching my face melt while I looked in the mirror or I would draw pictures and watch them come to life or change shapes while I was drawing. Pretty crazy. One night I went out with some friends and I bought all of us a partial sheet of acid called "purple half smiling moon - double dropped" I gave everyone a tab and kept 4 for myself. I took 2 and then did not feel the effects fast enough so i took the other 2 making a total of 8 since they were double dropped. HUGE mistake! I was looking at my friend who was in the backseat of the car with me and he was turning red and had horns growing out of his head. We call this "tripping hard". Then the worst thing happened, I began to feel the effects of an overdose. My muscles started constricting and I was curled up in the backseat with my jaw locking open, literally I couldn't close it and my tongue being a muscle was constricting back into my throat and I was choking on it. Next I peed my pants because I had no control. Scariest drug moment of my life, I was fully aware of everything happening and could not stop it. My friends dragged me out of the car forcing me to stand and straighten my body while slapping me across the face repeatedly. I'm not sure why but it worked and after that I never did acid again.
Crystal Meth Here And There Socially
(Meth)
This brings us to crystal meth, after that experience I was still going to the beach to at least drink which in the sun is absolutely draining so a friend suggested snorting crystal meth. Me turn down something new? Never! I found myself staying up for 3 days straight, it was a life saver when tired. I was a cook working on a ship and worked alone during the night. I prepared all the breakfast for the morning shift and was responsible for starting many of the afternoon meals as well as keeping the kitchen spotless. Then when I would get off I would go to the bunk area to sleep and couldn't because the lights were on and people were down there talking or slamming lockers and me having insomnia issues couldn't sleep so back to the beach I went and subsequently bought more Meth to carry me through the day as well as when I was working. Revolving circle of addiction and justification. I am 6'3" tall and my weight dropped down to 155 lbs, I looked very sick, my skin was yellowish and the back of my arms had a tint of green. My eyes were sunken in and my shoulder blades looked like machetes. people kept asking me if I was sick so one day i looked in the mirror (literally) and said to myself "you're dying". I stopped cold turkey.
Many years passed and I had been married and divorced and then in and out several relationships. In those relationships there were times where the party life was present and I did what I had always done, joined the party. Ecstasy, Cocaine, Marijuana (makes me sleep, hate it lol) Crystal Meth, Hash, Pain Pills and even Crack (strained cocaine and 5 times stronger). I always kept in my mind that these occurrences were social and never chased a need to do more. I was under control and truth is I was.
A Suicide Brings Me Back To Drugs
In 2004 someone close to me committed suicide. My world flipped upside down, I felt the worst guilt I have ever felt and went on a severely strong path of self destruction and punishment. At the time I was a taxi driver and selling anything you could ask for out of my cab (in Las Vegas this is not at all uncommon). Well I started doing what I was selling. Meth and cocaine and drinking became my new security blankets. I got off work every night and went to the casino and played blackjack, I would drink about 20 Jack Daniels and Cokes a night to distract me from thinking of my friends death. If I went home to sleep I was having nightmares similar to the movie "The Butterfly Effect" where I kept trying to go back and save her and kept failing. This is why the meth and coke came in, I will come home fall on my face and have to be awake again in an hour. I would shower, brush my teeth and at this time now was smoking the meth because the visible effects were less, you weren't as twitchy and you sweat a lot less.
I managed to finally stop doing it and came to terms with the past. I later started working as a car salesman, great more druggies around me and before you knew it I was doing coke at work, it put a lot more hype into your sales pitch. Again it did not last and I stopped doing it.
Realtionship Issues, Low Self Worth, Feeling Defeated : My Old Friend Meth Visits Again
Then I got into another relationship that was hmm, unhealthy we will say, a lot of drama and head games and in the mix we started doing meth together. I got pretty deep into it, why? Because it blocked out the emotions I was feeling of helplessness in my relationship. It basically numbed me by making my head race so fast I didn't have time to feel. I wanted to stop but it was too hard because she always had some on her and she would do it in front of me. I would even ask her to not bring it but she would anyway and then offer it to me. I was always weak and accepted.
(No Longer A Prisoner)
Finally something great happened, she left town for a month. I cleaned up and when she returned I refused to see her and that ended her... and the meth. I am happy to say I have been drug free ever since.
I will end this with one phrase that everyone has heard "Say no to drugs". If you start using drugs the word "no" becomes very very hard to say.
My BEST ADVISE: "NEVER START USING"
(Photos: Me then and now)