Dear Fellow Steemians
Soo...this isn't easy, I must say... I have spent years thinking about how to move forward with uploading my first blog post- and because I am such a self- critical, perfectionist- I simply haven't. :/
In the end I figured that I shouldn't work myself up so much about it! So here I am, being brave and literally writing as it comes to me, (maybe all the planning and thinking and not actually writing ANYTHING has weirdly prepared me to just go for it) in a sort of freestyle manner- if you will. So here it goes!
After coming back from an interesting (why I use the word 'interesting'- you will soon come to understand) and amazing adventure overseas in various parts of Asia, over the festive Christmas and New Year- I now know that in fact, after much thought- I have a fear of new beginnings. These little paralyzing thoughts and feelings that don't really allow for me to grow and move forward with my hopes for the future. However these little gremlin thoughts shouldn't be the one THING stops me from achieving my 'blog goals' and anything else for that matter!
I came to the realization that it simply doesn't matter! If my writing is not perfect, if I read it back in hindsight and think; "What on earth was I thinking?", that's fine because at least I've started. At least with this understanding of such fears, and having crept past the front door of my little cottage in Johannesburg and ventured on this crazy trip abroad visiting Siem Reap in Cambodia, Chiang Mai, Phuket, Phi Phi and Bangkok in Thailand over 2.5 weeks of travelling , I have gained somewhat of an insight into what it takes to push past my comfort zones. Of what I like and enjoy doing, and of what I can't stand or handle, and that its okay to want to be better, to achieve more, to learn lessons and to tackle them head on with a zest of courage and strength. That I'm okay- at least I think! ;)
Over the last year, 2017 I can only say that for the most part, I was anxious and that the word 'change' became what scared me the most in the end. Mainly because that is pretty much all I did last year- stumble through various horrible changes and experiences, that left me feeling disheartened and defeated. Despite learning a lot of valuable lessons in life, love and my career- I came out of it a bit scarred. This year- on the brink of bustling into 2018- as I sit in my lounge, I am still fearful of whats to come. Friends and family all brighten my spirits with positive and excited visions for the year ahead as if the world dangles off of their fingertips. I sit with a burning whole in my chest - almost like there is a little bubble named Panic sitting inside me, snickering and scheming, constantly hovering in my chest and stomach, so much so that I almost feel I can't breathe. Am I just melodramatic? Why can't I just get on with this job finding thing?, this working a full-time job' thing?, this earning a living thing?
Is it because I don't know what I want to be, or do? Even after studying four years and finally getting my degree after all the challenges I have faced during my uni years, ( I will tell you all about such mentioned challenges and will write of them in relation to various topics in due time) that I've simply given up and have no steam left to drive myself forward? Or is it because I can't stand the idea of starting off my career dedicating 80% of my day to a job that I can't stand- all in the pursuit of an end goal sometime in the future? When after all the 'mountains' I have climbed, both physically in Asia and metaphorically- deep down inside I know that the future can just as easily change and DOES change, as does my goals and wishes and plans- so why even bother?
There's that traditional understanding- mainly mentioned by our elders- one example being ol' granny and grandpops, whilst drinking tea and rocking back and forth in the old sodds rocking chair (RIP Grampa Earl, much love for you wherever you may be) that you have to start at the bottom and work your way up the industry ladder like everybody else. Then the ol'chap goes on to tell you extensive stories about the many many years he worked hard to build the foundations for his family and his future... that sounds utterly terrifying in my opinion!
So what does one do with this deep understanding of the fleeting nature of things? Do I just shrug it off and push forward to compete in the rat race of life, or do I stop and take time to really make the most of life- even if that means that I live a slightly less traditional one? - I mean I have never really been the type to go about things the normal way in any case, just ask my boyfriend or mom, they both have plenty stories of just how strange and bizarre I really am.
So these are the dilemma's swimming about in my mind, gripping me, pulling me- shoving me in various directions. Should I continue on with fashion? Well after studying Fashion Design for 2.5 years in Cape Town (where I am from), taking a few months to work as a fashion assistant when I first moved here to Johannesburg- I realized that, yes I do enjoy certain aspects of the creativity that comes with fashion, I don't however, enjoy a lot about it too. The aesthetic focus, for one, molds my thinking in a way that I don't like- changes me in a way that I don't think is best for my path and it's pretty much why I stopped studying fashion all together. I felt as if I slipped back into being that judgmental teenager from my past- that only worries about how beautiful I am to myself as I walk past reflective objects- yes you know what I mean ;)- we all stole a glance at ourselves in the car window before getting in, or whilst walking past a glass sliding door at a mall! But this side of me has the potential to grow obsessive and toxic, especially thoughts and desires of how much of a 'stunner' I want to be in the eyes of others- I still struggle with this to be honest. So I guess that yes, I love having a specific style ( if you can call it that) and spending a lot of my day online staring at other beautiful people with gorgeous stylish personas- I myself can't be bothered to dedicate all of my time to it anymore- mainly for my own inner peace.
Should I then work as consultant in a corporate boxy agency bustling with energy and 'go-getter' people all gunning for their next promotion and hefty payouts? Well- after working as a junior recruitment consultant- I realized that I would rather DIE then spend most of my day sitting on the phone saying; "We are a boutique agency and we specialize in providing THEE BEST candidates for your open position and only charge you (an unnecessary amount of money) once the new employee has started their first day at your company!" then repeat such calls approximately 982 times a month- this was my monthly BD call achievement...hmmm no thank you!
Should I then continue working as an Au Pair?- As I do have over 5 years experience in this and find that I am one of those few people that actually enjoy spending time with other families' children- for the most part, and I'm actually quite good at it. At least with going back into Au pairing I can use my spare moments in the day to focus on things that send jolts of excitement and feelings of longing through me, such as this blog- writing online and getting recognized for my thoughts and feelings and sharing them so that others can respond in this ever flowing debate among us humans and all the challenges and issues that come with this scary thing called life.
So, yes- one could read this and think, "Oh, alright, she's just another one of those boring basic biatches that talks about her struggles and 'challenges' which it all mound's to one big babble." Or you could actually like me, pleeeease like me, HaHa!...just kidding.
Anyhoo, this blog is going to be all about the very strange and extreme, as well as the mundane but hard life lessons and stories of one strange and quirky soul. Hopefully from these stories you have the power to take what you like from them, be it good or bad, or enlightening...I'm gunning for life changing, but I guess you and I both will have to see about that... ;)
My love always,
Vphoria.