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I alreday wrote about it. Now after like 18 month I feel I wanna share this experience with you as you might be in a similar situation. Before or after.
I started studying in the late 90's. There was almost no internet, at least no information which you google naturally today for. So I was running to from todays point of view really old-fashioned employment- agencies to get any hint about what do study or at least what to do in my life. It was terrible. Odd. completly useless, if there is a girl full of stupid ideas, the reasonable desire to travel, live her life with the goal to never settle or to become conservative. Well, after all I studied something with sports ( I was feeling far to fat those days nd wished to regulate this on my own! That was the only mature reason, why I choosed this non-sense subject, next to others) psychology (as everyone who is deciding for this descipline needs anything for herself to figure out) and italian, cause I loved to travel. I was convinced that it doesen't matter what I study, you could do anyway everything with it afterwards. Like becoming a doctor or a lawer? You see where the story goes...
After finding out through the next couple of far too many years, I knew exactly what I didnt want. I realised time after time, that all the advices from since wouldn't verify in reality. Well, the truth was I struggeld as I didn't know what to do exactly as I only planned my next trips to whereever and how to get the money for it. I tried to hop on another study to give my life more security, but it didn't work out at the end. Spiritual as I am, I know things are happening to you, because you attracted them. This is the hardest lesson, but the honest one. I had ideas of big projects in my head, but nothing worked out. Was I too fast, too focussed, to stubborn? I found myself in a worse position as friends who were a lot younger. They had meanwhile serious relationships, proper jobs and could afford houses, had kids and so on. Me still struggeling with my personal development, reading books about it, spending tons of money in therapists, seminars and coaches. I wasted money in everything to get a foot on the ground still hoping for the big success coming one day. One day I will prove all people wrong, who didnt believe in me... but stop. It wasn't like that. People, parents and friends DID believe in me. They did. They said: "if there's anyone, who can deal with difficulties and get over it, than you". I knew people had more trust in me than me.
All this didn't change reality. After being more or less successful with my personal training business, started and stopped projects and the boundless desire to have a breakthrough one day, I made a far-reaching decision. I was single since almost 2 years (which also took a lot energy) and met guys here and there. Immediatley I travelled with them and each time the trips became bigger and bigger. At the end I decided to give it all up: appartment, furniture, friends, clients, contracts, my car, my entire life.
There came this guy, I could talk with about everything. He was intelligent, had build his own successful business and was doing the same sport. He was living in a town, which was fast paced and it seemed to be possibile to achieve everything over there. It took my attraction. I needed this change. It was time to go and I went. I went with him even if I knew I wanted to go my own way. This was exciting. The summer 2016 was one of the greatest. I had the feeling things would flow and would be topped with this decision nobody would understand – half jealous, half shocked. I liked that. It was actually where I was looking for: doing anything interessting enough, that it would wake me up, would wake people up to understand that life has more to offer. I didn't care about consequences.
After 4 weeks everything was organised when a limousine picked me up and brought me to the airport. I felt like Pretty Woman and was convinced that my life would start now. I thought being brave would to be rewarded.
Without going into details, what happend over there (this might be another article here) 90 days later I sat again in an airplane. This airplane didn't fly to Africa or Australia. It wasn't South East Asia or anything I had in mind where I could go, if I wouldn't find the right energy. It's destination wasn't any fancy place on earth where I would go to crown my performance. Not at all. It flew me back to where I came from. No illusions, no mercy, no money, no dreams, nothing and only half the luggage I went with. It was like waking up after the most beautiful dream ever. It was the nightmare itself. It was over...
I needed time to understand this. After all this flurry of activity it was time to realise that this game was over. My hope, my intentions, my private wishes, my everything was buried into a dark grave. I had nothing and so no idea where to go nor what to do. I freezed. Anything inside of me whispered to get into action...Action no matter what. Now I know even, if this seemed to be the right way, it wasn't it. Blindly I ran into the greatest desaster I ever had in my life. Living at my parents house, no money, no job, no friends around me, just my parents place far away from everything what may keep me alive. There was this tiny light at the end of the tunnel, that another job would distract me from what has happend and would give me back my selfconfidence my inner value and my trust. And even if it sounds incredible. I have 2 Master Degree's, another Diploma, I speak 3 languages are open minded and a person you can really count at, if it comes to exciting new projects with international experiences.
I took me more than a year. NOTHING really worked out. I am not talking about all these indignities, what people aware or unaware were telling me. I am not talking about the conversations I had, followed from senseless application process. I am not talking about the worst of it all: the lost of hope.
If people get ill, they have the hope to recover. If people loose anything, they have the hope to find it again any time. Even if people loose one another, they have the hope that things will getting better after a while. I had this hope as I needed to have it when I came back. But I lost it over all, when nothing of my interactions was making any difference. Time after time people were wondering about my situation, were asking uncomfortable questions. I could say: „ Hey its just the moment in time. It'll work out.“ I lost hope. I woke up every night scared. I was scared of what I did and where my life would go. My body became weak and ill. I lost hope. That's the point, where you are getting unable to think, to decide, to act or to be motivated for anything.
I am not talking about that I started eating to fill that massive whole. I am not talking about how deep this scar is hurting for an athlete. And I am not talking about all the consequences with money, departments and the lack of talking about that everyday with people who weren't there.
Whats the alternative? Comitting suicide? Or to work out, work out, work out, or … to let go. That's as weired as a strong current is pulling you into the ocean, far away from the life saving beach. You know letting go is probably the best, you can do. Fighting against a current, while keeping your (inner) restistance means loosing power and energy and maybe your life.
I know almost everyone struggles at least once in a lifetime. If it`s getting worse there're coming 1 or 2 things together harming your daily routine or everyday peace. Like I said, even if they're not used to face problems, they can at least focus on the good, on the fact, that its possible to get over it. It is usually a stage.
Questions to finalize this true story and to reflect your own habits, behaviours, routines, thoughts or your life situation:
- Is it really bad? Or is the situation neutral and it is me giving it a rating?
- What is working fine? Can I get positive energy out of that?
- What are my abilities, skills and special experiences?
- How would my opposite partner/ sparring partner/ counterpart expect I do solve this?
- For what may I be thankful?
- What exactly brought me into this?
- What are my inner values?
- What is what I really don't want? And is it the accidentally the sitiation I am in now?
- Did I take a calculated risk to reach even more and now did I fail or learned?
- What needs to be released?