As someone who is so up in their head most of the time and previously didn't know how to open up about mental and emotional matters, I feared being too extra when I eventually got into a relationship. I'm one to dish out advice to my friends but I'd never share my own deep worries because I'm so used to dealing with things on my own.
When my husband and I started living together, I thought I was more vulnerable, well, I am, but I needed to learn how not to offload on one person because it can be too much. Gradually, I started holding back and that wasn't a healthy option. I had to retrace and find better ways to express myself.
Like they say, when you marry someone, you marry their entire upbringing and everything they come with. I was often stressed about how my entire self can come off as too much because I finally had my safe haven to pour it out on. I didn't want my husband to be my therapist, he's my support system but there's only so much he can do.
It's still a process and I'm finding healthier ways to be vulnerable, communicate properly and create a safe space for my husband to be vulnerable too. I make conscious effort to drop my defenses and always have it in mind to communicate so we can reach our common goal.
It's in the little things and in the big things. Yesterday for example, I had it pretty rough with my health and I started feeling bad. When my body gets like this it usually disrupts our plans and I was overthinking how I ruined the day. This thought had been brewing in my head for a long time and I've been beating myself over it.
I have been blamed for being sick several times that I began seeing myself as a burden in such situations. I often times projected this on my husband and each time I was sick, somewhere in my subconscious I thought he didn't like me for that period.
I found myself apologising yesterday for being sick and I guess I needed him to remind me never to do that again. It might not have been the best way to articulate it, but I'm kind of glad I was vulnerable enough to say it.
The following hours were spent ruminating on how to detach from the trauma of feeling like a burden when I'm not in optimal health condition. I can drop my defenses and allow to be taken care of without feeling guilt.
I guess all I'm trying to say is, I was very open and still very much vulnerable, but I constantly try to find better ways to express this vulnerability and make my husband feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with me too. I wouldn't want to scare him away, would I?
Effective communication is key and that ain't no cliché. Thanks for reading.