Prologue

Hello, i'm Worll and i been battleing depression for the 2 years now, although my mental health started to deline when i was 13 years old. In this and upcoming post i will tell you what kind of medication i took and how it made me feel, the pros and cons of certain medication, and also information about it. I'm not used to write articles of any kind, i'm actually a computer science student and english is not my native language, so i apologize in advanced for all mistakes or wrongfully chosen words, but i will gladly accept any critisicm and will try to improve and edit my posts for better quality.

Hospitalization

So i had lots of suicidal thoughts, basically my day consisted of being really scared, thinking people will try to harm me every chance they get, low energy, extreme anxiety,low mood, always sad, not wanting to eat, thinking my then girlfriend will try to cheat on me...

So i went to a psychologist at first, and i began to describe how i feel and soon she gave me a depression test to evalue how bad it is, it was Burns Depression Checklist or BDC for short. You can read about it on wikipedia, but i will include here questions. So basically at every question you check the severity of particular symptom and at the end they calculate and decide the severity of your depression.

Questions :

Thoughts and Feelings

1. Feeling sad or down in the dumps
2. Feeling unhappy or blue
3. Crying spells or tearfulness
4. Feeling discouraged
5. Feeling hopeless
6. Low self-esteem
7. Feeling worthless or inadequate
8. Guilt or shame
9. Criticizing yourself or blaming others
10. Difficulty making decisions

Activities and Personal Relationships

1. Loss of interest in family, friends or colleagues
2. Loneliness
3. Spending less time with family or friends
4. Loss of motivation
5. Loss of interest in work or other activities
6. Avoiding work or other activities
7. Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life

Physical Symptoms

1. Feeling tired
2. Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
3. Decreased or increased appetite
4. Loss of interest in sex
5. Worrying about your health

Suicidal Urges

1. Do you have any suicidal thoughts?
2. Would you like to end your life?
3. Do you have a plan for harming yourself?

I don't remember how high i scored, but my psychologist wrote i recommendation for psychiatrist, so the same day i made an appointment.

The next week i guess, i'm not enteraily sure when, but as soon as psychiatrist was free, i went to her. She asked what i feel that is disturbing, and i started talking about anxiety, also i gave psychologist recommendation where it was written that BDC score, she started asking if no one in my family have history of having any psychiatric disorders, because if first degree relative is diagnosed with similar disorder and have medication that works well for them, psychiatrist will prescribe same medication because there is a high chance it will help me also) but in my family no person have a history of some kind of mental disorder. Also i mentioned that i feel like people want to harm me, and i think that my girlfriend at a time will cheat on me, but it was not based on it was just really intrusive thoughts coming to my head. She also asked if i see or hear things that are not real, fortunately that wasn't the case. Because i had strong suicidal thought psychatrist wrote a transmission ( not sure how it is called in english talking countries, please inform me in the comments, but it's basically a paper where doctor write what's wrong for another doctor who receives that note). So next day i packed my stuff, i went to psychiatric hospital which was out of the city, in a remote place. One way or another i found a registration which was in a basement for some weird reason, the doctor on duty asked similar questions to my psychiatrist and decided to put me in severe psychosis department ( my guess it was because i thought people would want to harm me ( classic paranoia)) or because of my suicidal thinking i'm not sure though. I had to give them my mobile phone, my wallet, all strings or belts that i would be capable of hanging myself with. Actually i thought i was going to some kind of prison or some shitt.. They gave me sign some stuff, i'm not sure what excatly i'm sorry, maybe it was consent to undergo a treatment, not sure though. So while i was waiting for them to fill some documents i thought i could go to the toilet, while i stand up they agressively asked where i'm i going, i said to the toilet, and they said i could only go with security guard from now on. Well after all that, nurse and securty guard lead me to the severe psychosis department(section? i'm not sure how to call hospital sections for different kind of things) so the door to my sęction was without the handles, and nurse pressed the doorbell, soon came another nurse and let us in, keep in mind that i was in mental state where i was contantly in agonizing fear and anxiety, so it was pretty scary experience, so as we walked to my ward through the hallway i notice people in there, they were all like zombies, walking with no direction with dead eyes looking into something far, also every door and windows in toilet, bathroom except nurse post was without handles. So i lied down in my bed and soon in my ward came a creepy lady in her 30s, later i find out she was shizophrenic from 16 years old and meds didn't helped her much, i was really scared of her at first, but we got along as time went past. She said something why i'm here with that creepy smile and vibe coming from her, i said something i don't remember, and she was like don't worry they will inject some benzos in your cute ass and you will relax ;)).

Ii think this is enough for today, i'm googling words to replace and make my story more interesting but i just can't find reliable source for words in my language, so i will really appreciate you guys helping me out.