As I was sitting alone watching this beautiful pink sky wondering if my dreams are big enough to reach that sky knowing the fact that I don’t have anyone who support me enough. In ancient times people used to believe in dreams. People of Greek and Rome who were quite civilized societies of their times believed that dreams could give information about past, present, and even future events. But there are two types of dreams one that we see in our sleep one that we see with open eyes in the daylight . We don’t have regrets for not completing the dreams we watch with our eyes shut but it really really bothers you when you abandon the dreams that you saw from your wide eyes open from the day you seeing the life differently. Well I do have dreams like that too. I want to study abroad even though my financial condition is not very stable. My relatives and my mother thinks that I am jumping high from my height. But that is really not the case I want to succeed but how can that be possible when you start to hate yourself more than anything just because you can’t please people around you. When the people around you nake you feel inferior even though you don't feel that way.
When we were little we used to ask to friends and ourselves what will we become in future. Some says astronaut, some says doctor and some says magician. We accepted the fact back then that it can be possible, was it our innocence or we actually believe in ourselves that we can do it no matter what. Well I have come to conclusion when I asked my 6 years old nephew that what do you want to become he said I want to become a pilot and I looked at him there was no doubt in his eyes that he won’t become a pilot. Then a sudden realization leapt all over me. I was confused and in despair all these adult years of my life where I lose that confidence. Seeing things like other wanted to make see. Thousands of time I crushed my little dreams just so that I can please people around me. I asked myself was it really worth it or not, was it necessary. The answer I got was nope, it wasn’t worth it, because people only care about themselves and sometimes you need to change yourself a little so that nobody can use you the way they want you to. I know it’s bit late to realize as I am already in my mid twenties. So why bothering stuff that is unnecessary that is not meant to be done. I am at that point of my life where I doubt myself because I am getting negative vibes and discouragement where my dreams seems distant to me. I really want to change this and I am trying my best but this pressure of society is inculcating vulnerability in me.
As an Asian marriage is the only that can be a good option to suppressed a women .people will force you to accept and kept this ritual even if you don’t want to including family and relatives . Last week I got a proposal even though my family knew I didn’t have any plan for marriage. Apart from arrange marriage they wanted me to accept that proposal happily knowing the other person can’t
Afford my educational expenditure and my lifestyle but because I am getting late for marriage I should get married. My younger brother supported me saying no let her decide whether she wanted the marriage or not. But still I was expecting these words from my mother but because of the pressure of society and her social circle she was holding back or maybe she also wanted me to settle down and eventually I will give up on my dreams. Life become extremely bitter when the only parent you have in this world started to nullify you saying your dreams are bigger you can do this and that. When my father was alive he never doubted on my abilities not once. He always said Xaynie you will always shine you will become a successful and a great human being. Those memories of him reminding me that I am capable of doing things keeps me going. Now that he is no more physically with me and can not tell the world that I am capable of doing things, I feel shattered. When you have your mother and you love her so deeply that you can’t even argue then the pain become double, you let your guard down, you started to give up on your dreams just for the sake of her happiness.
I don’t know what to do. I am stuck in between and most of us stuck too in life the question is should we abandon our dreams or should we pursue even though it’s hurting others. Or maybe we should not give others chance to invade in our lives. In my country male dominance is unchangeable, they can ruin and harass a women in so many ways that is the main reason why I want to leave this place. Sometimes I understand my mother’s situation as well ,as she is single parent she gets cocky just because she wanted to save me from this society, she knew how hard the life for a single women to live in this country, and In this tug of war I think I might lose but there is this urge deep inside me that I can do more in my life it is not the end , it is the beginning. In the end I would say we all saw dreams even though we knew those dreams are bigger and unapproachable but still we want to fly , we still want to see those clouds and beautiful rainbows🌈 in the sky as well. I hope and pray we can all fulfill our dreams . I feel like i am consumed in the darkness where i wanted to have a little flash of light .