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Life Without Trial is Boring
Sometimes I wonder how life can be so unfair? Things happen which we never imagine to happen to us. We curse life, we curse ourselves, then we hate each day. We live life not according to what we want it to be, but according to what we think will make our situations better. I've been living in the shadows for many years, hiding myself in a dungeon, concealing my feelings but people see me as a blissful person trying to reach her dreams. Sometimes we don't reach out to the people who are smiling, sometimes we reach more to those who are sad. But I swear, many people who laugh harder and smile bigger than others, are carrying a burden much more than anyone which they wish would just disappear.
As I grew older, I told myself why don’t I disappear? Why not end a life full of pretence and full of fake emotions. I hated laughing hard, smiling a lot in school and everywhere with friends, and in my room there are sharp objects
presenting themselves to me to end a life I didn't want to continue living. I cursed myself for being who I am, for covering my pain with school achievements and successes, but sometimes, concealing isn't just enough. It is loving ourselves and to accept the fact that life is indeed so unfair. To accept that in order to be happy, we have to use the past as our stairs to the future and love ourselves for the things that happen to us.
I have experienced a lot of troubles and aches. Someone close to me always compared me to the people who he thought were always better than me. He told me I should be really smart. He told me to do things which I could not do and pretend to be perfect around people. He also told me I would never finish my engineering course because it is supposed to be very difficult, and I didn't have the brains to complete the course. He always scolded me when I did something he didn't approve of. I used to get annoyed and angry with the face that how could I allow people to rule my life, which in turn lead me to hate myself. I secluded myself from people and hid my emotions within the four walls of my house & heart. I cried each night to sleep and woke up wearing a beautiful mask to go with the flow of life and laugh away my aches.
These things lead me to hate myself, to pity myself, to hate who I am. Why can't people accept me for who i am? Why do they compare and not just accept me for what I have as a person? Why is life unfair? It did hurt a lot.
I tried to kill myself, praying everyday I get hit by car and die on the spot. I imagined many ways for me to die. Sometimes I took a blade or a sharp scissor or a knife so that I could slit my wrist. But never even once I ever bled. My hands shook every time I tried to do it. It is like God allowed all these thoughts to occur but didn't want me to die. I just drowned in fear whenever I tried to do it. I drowned myself in tears every night. I just shouted when people were too noisy, not because I was annoyed but because I didn't want them to know that the voices inside my head were making me insane. I wrestled a lot with my thoughts, and it is very hard when all you can think about is dying and laying in a coffin. One midnight when I was trying to sleep, I felt a noose around my neck that was choking me. I was shocked, crying like hell, I asked myself why it felt so real? I was holding my neck like there was a noose around it, I could have sworn I was not going insane. It was really choking. Then these voices inside my head started saying "Get up, get a noose, take a knife, slit your wrist and neck, kill yourself. You are worthless so why not die. Die. Kill yourself. Go ahead and do it." Stuff like these are the things I always heard inside my head, like real voices. I just whimpered and grieved alone in the dark. I tried my best to just cry without anyone knowing I cried. All of the bitterness and hate I have had in my entire life, came back to me. I believed voices were right. Why not though? Then I grieved for myself because I really wanted do it. I struggled like this for couple of hours. I didn't pray because I felt that no one is really gonna save me except the blade that will let me die in peace. But with all of my struggle and wearing tears I prayed and said "Lord save me please”. It was very hard to say it and wait for time to pass, waiting for the next morning, until it slowly got better and better and I fell asleep. Next morning I wore my mask again and people thought I was perfectly fine.
Living life is hard when all you think about is dying.
Maybe I was too good at pretending, maybe not. My friends approached me for my advice about all they were going through not knowing I had my own problems I carried on my shoulders. While everyone wanted my help,
no one really understood my burden. I always told myself, it is better to just keep it to myself, no one cares about things like these. And one day when I gathered my courage to seek help from my parents about these suicidal thoughts and the bitterness I had inside me, I heard them say that being depressed, emotionally drained, suicidal and the feeling that you are dead but still living, is an "overreacting behaviour." I couldn’t muster enough courage to proceed further on the matter ever after that.
Then sometimes we get people who enter our lives just so that they can push us more to our demise. We think those people can help us get through the dungeon, but in reality they are the ones putting lions inside making our way out impossible. Once again I realised, why don't I fight? Why not accept everything my past has lead me to? Like all the bad things that happened actually lead me to where I am now, didn’t they? It lead me to endure, to push more, even though it meant concealing my true feelings and pretending of having a wonderful life actually filled with sorrow and grief.
After losing all hope in life, and even in love, God sent me the right people to help me see through the brighter side, outside the dungeon. These are those people helps us get through all the bitterness and pain in life. Life is unfair in my experience, but if we just continue believing in the best; not hurting anyone, not pushing down anyone, and helping people get up when they stumble, just doing the things that we as humans should do, good things in life will come back to us. God does listen. He does hear our prayers and counts our tears.
I may have experienced bitterness, self pity, hatred in life, living in pain and embracing loneliness, like all the sad things people can hold on to, but I remain who I am as a good person. I only shed my skin inside my room. I only bathe myself with tears inside my room. I was trying to overcome all of this alone, until I realised God was helping me, watching my tears and pain, so He sent me good people to show me that I am not here to just suffer, cry and hate my life daily, but to live in love and peace.
Here are the P.E.A.C.E. tips that I just want to share to all of you.
1. Pray
Prayer is a very important thing we can hold on to in our life. When everything seems crumbling down God is there to help us. Sometimes we forget to pray because we think it is just impossible, but trust me just saying
"Lord save me" makes a big difference. He does hear us and help us.
2. Ease your pain.
Crying is therapeutic. It helps us get solace after shedding tears. But it doesn't mean we will cry until we die. What I'm saying is if you feel like crying, then cry it out, even if no one is there for you. Just be strong and say you can overcome it even when you are own your own. After crying, stand up and be strong.
3. Accept your Past, Learn from Pain, Forgive and Love Yourself.
Nothing is more fulfilling than having a peaceful mind and heart. No matter how horrifying your past may be, how painful it was and how it has broken you apart, accept it, forgive yourself and start loving yourself. When you start loving who you are you will realise how the same past helped you be strong and bloom beautifully.
4. Concentrate your Attention on Better Things
If you have dreams to achieve, concentrate your energy on getting them done. If you have hobbies you want to improve upon, you do them and see how much you grow by concentrating your attention to something else. This will help you divert your emotion into something you are passionate about. Aside from that, it will help you deflect your attention, it will also boost your confidence in doing better with your passion.
5. Exhale Negativity and Inhale Positivity
After you do all of these four things, you are gonna start to only inhale the good things and exhale the bad things. You'll be truly happy and be at PEACE when you do all of this.
So to everyone who are struggling, I know your pain. I know how much it hurts. I know the struggle of having our mind dictate us to end life. I know well enough in 22 years of my existence. I know enough for me to be compassionate, enough for me to care and love more, enough for me to be understanding and enough for me to stand in battles.
If you too are struggling a lot, just continue living and don’t give up. Don't forget these P.E.A.C.E. tips I share with you. Continue doing good. In the end, God will reward you for your endurance in all these tests. It may be hard, yes I know, but just continue. If you are walking in a tunnel or locked out in a dungeon, time will come you will see the light, you will get through it. God will help you. He will raise you. You will be happy. You can do it.
Much love ♡.