HOLA AMIGOS!!!
How much of a role does what others think of you play in your life? I for one gave up on what people think about me when I was a kid. I am sick. Like mentally ill and I struggle with it on a daily. This is something I have come to realize recently. I have looked back on my life and seen that I was quite young and never gave a crap about people because people don’t care about me. Now don't take that wrong. Let me give you a lil bit about me.
I grew up in the 70's but I guess I am an 80's kid. Well my mother dressed me and she did a poor job at it. While she looked fly tho. Same for my brother. Anyway, I wore glasses and because we were rather poor I had the worst selection in glasses as we were on Medical. I mean these glasses were huge and god ugly. So there was one reason to be made fun of. We moved quite often and I was always the new kid in school. And I think it was always like in the middle of the semester. I was hellatiously goofy looking. I was, am, tall and a ginger, strike two and tree right. I don't know what the deal was but I often pissed my pants and I regularly pissed the bed. I can remember an instance hanging out with some kids at the park next door to my grandmother’s house in San Francisco. The group was a few kids my age that lived in the area and a few of their older brothers. I was being made fun of and then I suddenly pissed my pants and they started talking even more shit.
I think this did something to me give me a look at how people can be so cruel to each other. Trying to fit in as child is very difficult for some I suppose, maybe for most. But being that tall nerdy looking ginger kid who wears pants that are to small allow me to turn to myself. I wasn't going to make fun of myself or let myself down. I was hyper, goofy, and didn’t have a care in the world really. But I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be a part of something. I developed a very vivid imagination. As I am typing this I think this is where I developed my isolationist mentality. Being alone I wouldn’t bother anyone and no one could bother me or make fun of me.
And so it seems to me that when I just said eff it that’s when some people started to kick it with me. This was still very young tho. I am ill. Quite ill mentally. I was on 21 pills a day several years ago. I gained over 100 pounds. I neglected my wife who resented me for something I had absolutely no control over. I was a zombie essentially. I wasn't creative anymore. I was freaking miserable. I wanted to die even more than I had ever wanted to before. I told my psych and all my Drs said I could quit my meds I said eff u, I DONT WAN TO LIVE LIKE THIS AND IF I FREAKING DIE OR MY MID MELTS so be it. None of that happened.
Back to where I was in my life. I don't know when it was but I realized somewhere somehow, that when those jokes made fun of me, that if I made fun of myself and just went along with their cruelty I would get left alone or I would even get them to laugh. And they would quit. One of my diagnoses just recently actually is that I am ADHD. My hyperness and inability to focus are a couple of my symptoms that this DR said were it. But these symptoms are also factors in a couple of my other diagnosis as well.
I am a pretty wild cat. Now I get that we are individuals and no two of us are alike. But lemme just tell you. You have never met nor will you probably ever meet someone like me back then or even now. I am a conflicted individual. I know we all are. I just realized something about myself this past weekend. I have known it for a long time but I actually came face to face with myself and this instance. My inability to maintain focus tortures me. Let me tell you. I fiddle with the guitar, the bass guitar; I have played the trumpet, the clarinet, drums, keyboard, and harmonica. I have taken lessons in all the above except the harmonica. I just picked it up and started in on it. My sweet sweet Jennifer says I am musically inclined and I say I am not. I have just fucked around with music off and on over the years.
Anyway, the reason I say this is, I have never been able to follow through with and=y of the lessons I have taken. I get distracted by the notes and think how cool that is and I start to mess around and do other shit. Making my own music. I have been to technical school, I have been to 2 different community colleges, and I have never followed through with any of it. Meh I grow tired of it. My mind races all day every day and it is torture. I have to fight with myself to maintain a focus on what it is I am trying to do. I might look like its all good but it isn’t.
My girl and I have had many conversations about how I am. I just don’t give a fk. I don’t care what people think about me and I just live my life. I don’t worry if people think this or that. Because, it doesn’t matter. Our families talk shit about us, our friends talk shit about us, and hell we talk shit about them. We can't live our lives according to what others think. I mean who the fuck are they? WHO ARE THEY? Who gave others opinions dominion over others? Who wrote this book of what we should be like and not be like? What to wear what not to wear. How to be, or act? This way of living based off of what others will think is a shame and I gave up on that shit. No one matters but me in this instance> because I am alone. Jen will be up soon and then she will matter.
Now you may or may not be taking this the wrong way. Ya might say GOD wrote the book. And this here is an argument I will fight and fight and fight till the day I die unless someone can prove otherwise. That vending machine in the sky. Ya know the one folks pray to in order to get something in return. Give it a buck and ya get a snickers bar. Naw man, that shit is created by man for power and control. I am not trying to offend you. U do you. U believes what you will. I dont care. Hell if that’s working for you, and then I am so happy for you I really am. I want people to be happy and to not suffer. That is one of the biggest things every single individual on this planet have in common. We all just want to be happy. We are all chasing that crack rock. We are happy, then we are not, then we are, then we are not.
Do you see what I am talking about? My inability to maintain a single cohesive though process. LMAO it’s so aggravating. I really had something to say about self-discovery. And what that can do for a person.
I think what is happening with me is I having something to share and I am learning how to do it. I have something to share with someone like me. Someone who is sick. I have something to share for those that care for someone like us. I am off the freaking hook. But the thing is I am hearing trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. I think the way I am is I need dialogue to be able actually express my thoughts. Or the way I see it. Maybe not even the way I see it but just maybe more of a," have ya looked at it this way" type of thing.
Have A Happy Day And Don't Forget To Be Awesome!!!
Says,
Yeti