I am just recently acknowledging the fact that I have terrible anxiety issues. When I was in primary school, I had these terrible bouts of panic attacks that'd make my head spin so badly that the ground would tilt and I'll have to lay flat on the ground regardless of where I was or what I was doing. And then the banging headaches.
So, I grew up, living for 27 years, pretending to be very okay. I didn't tell anyone about it. If I told my mum, she'd likely think it's something to take Panadol or blood tonic for. It's not easy being "not okay" in Nigeria sha. Don't get me wrong, I'm very okay, but there's peace that comes with acknowledging who you really are, at your core. Or maybe I wasn't pretending, maybe I just thought that fighting and working hard to not let it show, would eventually give me the break I needed from my actual awkwardness and internal battles. But does it really? Fun fact? I've never been anxious around my parents or siblings and those are the only people I've never had to be mindful, around, ever. And trust me, they say I'm a terrible human being . In other words, the real me is actually bad?
No, anxiety isn't the same as shyness. I'm not necessarily a shy person. I can do whatever
I want to do without really bothering much about what people think. But anxiety? It's a disorder. It can come at you even when you're not shy, when you know what to do and how to do, when you've had it all mapped out, it paralyses you, weakens your knees, gets you sick, terribly sick that you can land in the hospital and makes you extra detached or attached without a balance even when you know better. It can happen when you're very happy, anxiety doesn't necessarily mean mood swings or down times but it can lead to those. It can happen at your peak or lows; it makes you unable to function even against your will and judgements.
Let's not talk about the imposter syndrome and all that battle, trying to tell yourself that you're not fake or living out multiple personalities because you're a totally different person from what even the closest people to you, know, and who you really are, while alone or in your comfort zone. What it feels like when you have to lead other people when you feel like you don't even have control over your own self and all the weight of these expectations or compliments and trust in your abilities. Imagine becoming a fashion designer as someone dealing with terrible anxiety disorder? Last year, I almost ran mad. It's a surprise that I didn't land in a hospital or police station.
So, this year, I couldn't work, I haven't really worked since the year began but we've still made over 30 outfits. I've been trying to find a balance, and that, I will. So, I grew up reading and loving psychology a whole lot. But I stopped reading except African Romance Novels. Now? I want to take reading on anxieties really seriously. Who knows? I could share my journey here. Good thing? Anxiety can actually be managed. And first step is acknowledging that these things happen and that you're very okay and there's nothing wrong with you or that.
Did you have any childhood trauma or so