ALMOST ITHACAD
A Play in One Act
by
Troy Camplin
Cast of Characters
Penelope: Queen of Ithaca, wife of Odysseus
Odysseus: King of Ithaca
Telemachus: Prince of Ithaca, son of Odysseus and Penelope
Helen: Daughter of Zeus and Leda, wife of Menelaus, Queen of Sparta, most beautiful woman on earth
Scene
The Palace of Odysseus in Ithaca
Time
A week after Odysseus’ return from the Trojan War.
ACT I
Scene 1
SETTING: The palace of ODYSSEUS. Everything should be white, to resemble the white marble of Greece.
AT RISE: Enter PENELOPE. She is dressed in the finest orange and yellow Greek robes. She looks concerned and upset.
PENELOPE
Odysseus! You’d best explain to me
Why it is that it burns now when I pee!
(Enter ODYSSEUS. He is dressed in king’s robes of royal blue and purple.)
ODYSSEUS
I’ve only been at home a week, and this
Is what I’m greeted with? Where is the bliss
Of hearth and home that I was dreaming of?
These decades I thought only of our love.
PENELOPE
Oh, cut the crap. I know your eloquence.
You’d best not think that I’m a dunce, as dense
As Agamemnon, Menelaus, or
Those Ajaxes. Now, tell me: who’s the whore
You couldn’t use a sheepskin on? I know
In twenty years that you were bound to bow
Your arrow in some other field, to slip
Your sword into some other sheath, to dip . . .
ODYSSEUS
Enough of gentle euphemisms, dear.
You know you don’t want to know where my spear
Has been through all these twenty years, or who
It pierced or skewered, who I once ran through
With it. All of the girls I won I lost
At sea with all my men. Ah, such a cost . . .
PENELOPE
I almost wish that they were here. You do
Not have to make up twenty years in two
Or three mere days. I’m out of practice. I
Was chaste for twenty years. Do you know why?
ODYSSEUS
(aside)
I’m sure it was her long, large leather friend
That kept her satisfied up to the end.
But I won’t tell her that. I have my fears
That if I do, another twenty years
Will pass before I’m in my bed again.
What can I say to make sure that I win?
PENELOPE
I’ll tell you why. I have a duty to
My husband. And what did I get from you?
A burning. Burning when I pee! So tell
Me, as a courtesy – I will not yell –
Just who it was you got this from? That witch?
That goddess, Circe, divine, holy bitch?
ODYSSEUS
You really think that I’d have gotten this
From sleeping with a goddess? You can kiss
Away good times in Hades making claims
Like that against a goddess. She enflames
In other ways than this. It can’t be her.
PENELOPE
Zeus! When I pee, it feels just like a burr
Is trying to pass through. It’s killing me.
ODYSSEUS
And how will knowing help, Penelope?
(Enter TELEMACHUS. He is dressed in black and gray, looking like he just came back from a long sea trip. He has a look on his face like he just finished doing something very bad.)
TELEMACHUS
Thank Zeus you’re here at home. I’ve got some news.
I really need your help. Perhaps a ruse . . .
PENELOPE
What is it? I am talking to your father.
TELEMACHUS
Now, don’t get mad. You know I wouldn’t bother
You if it weren’t important. Don’t get mad.
ODYSSEUS
You had to say ‘mad’ twice? It must be bad.
Talk to your dad. Don’t be a cad. Now tell
Me what you did. You lie or steal or sell?
TELEMACHUS
They’re all the realm of Hermes, so divine,
Like Bacchus and his orgies and his wine.
In truth, I stole. I’m not the first to steal
What I have stolen, and I hope that we’ll
Be able to undo what I have done.
Just don’t forget I’m your beloved son.
ODYSSEUS
Just tell me what you did, and we will see.
(Enter HELEN. She is, of course, incredibly beautiful, and dressed in the finest scarlet clothes, which only make her more beautiful.)
ODYSSEUS
Dear Zeus! Now Sparta is our enemy?
TELEMACHUS
Now, don’t get mad. I never meant for this
To happen, but I simply could not miss
Another night outside her bed. A mighty
Persuasive force is Helen’s Aphrodite.
PENELOPE
You get that whore-slut out of here! Dear Zeus!
I’ve never known a woman who’s so loose.
Her Aphrodite should have stayed at home,
Or in her skirts, at least. It shouldn’t roam.
HELEN
Don’t use my father’s name in vain. You think
I don’t know who I am? I cannot sink
Much lower than I’ve sunk. I’ve run away
Again. What can I say? I like to play
With pretty, sexy, younger men. No, Bacchus
Could never keep me drunk like Telemachus.
TELEMACHUS
I freed her from that evil tyrant’s grasp.
PENELOPE
That woman stays here, I’ll give her an asp
To spend the night with. What is wrong with you?
ODYSSEUS
If Menelaus comes here, I’ll run through
The both of you. No fall of Troy for me
And Ithaca. I’ll bend you on my knee,
The both of you. Perhaps King Priam was
The kind to stick with kin, but ten years does
Enlighten one to consequences for
One’s city and descendants. Take that whore
Away from here or I will make another
Son with Penelope. You’ll have a brother
Who will be king when I am dead unless
You rid yourself of her and fix this mess.
PENELOPE
With all the burning going on down where
Another son will exit me, beware
A burning temper, burning soul. A dire,
Uncertain future comes when born of fire.
ODYSSEUS
My point is that our son’s an idiot.
He cares not one iota but for what
His id is wanting. He’s a moron. He
Should be more civil-minded. We’re a free
And happy people, and this sort of thing
Will bring our country slavery. So bring
That woman back to Menelaus now,
A woman who would bed a rabid cow.
HELEN
I’m not as bad as that. Give me a break.
ODYSSEUS
You’d mount a whale, for Dionysus’ sake!
I challenge you to name all of your men.
HELEN
I take your challenge, Odysseus. Then
There’s Menelaus, Agamemnon, Gus,
And Ajax, Parahemolyticus,
And Parasourolophohippocles,
Euphoramesolipus, Sophocles,
And Philoeroâgapé, and Clinton,
Then Biggus Dickus, Julius, and Simpson,
And Paris, Priam, Hector, Kennedy,
And thrice while out on the Aegean Sea
With one named Megaphallus who did not
Come close to rising to the name he’d got,
Then Porno, Psychometrics, Paracles,
And Euphamismorthomegacles.
Those are the ones that I can think of who
I can give names. Oh, Telemachus, too.
My husband has a lot of visitors
And willing slaves to mount me, whore of whores.
(HELEN hangs her head in shame.)
PENELOPE
Oh, please, for Dionysus’ sake, don’t dare
Pretend that you’re ashamed or that you care
For anything except an endless line
Of men. I pray to Zeus you keep from mine.
(HELEN begins to point out something, but TELEMACHUS interrupts her.)
TELEMACHUS
Too late for me. I’ve had this beauty here
At home, before we came to see you. We’re
In love and I won’t give her up. I trust . . .
ODYSSEUS
Don’t trust in visions clouded by your lust.
PENELOPE
Your father clearly knows of what he speaks.
That man of ocean and of Circe reeks.
I am convinced it was from old Circe
That you made it so it burns when I pee.
TELEMACHUS
That’s more than what I want to know about
The two of you, you know. All children like to doubt
Their parents ever go have sex. Perhaps . . .
PENELOPE
You think your parents want to know the paps
You taste, the wanton women that you bed?
And, worse, this stupid whore will get you dead.
TELEMACHUS
I love this woman! Don’t call her a whore!
ODYSSEUS
Perhaps I’ll use She-of-the-open-door.
Both back and front, or go in through the roof.
(OSYSSEUS points to HELEN’s crotch, her bottom, and then her mouth. HELEN looks shocked.)
PENELOPE
Oh, don’t act shocked, ashamed, or false-aloof.
ODYSSEUS
Collector-of-men’s seed! Or All-men’s-bed-
Time-buddy. For-all-men-her-clothes-are-shed.
The temple prostitutes all learn their tricks
From her, the greatest lover of men’s . . .
TELEMACHUS
She’s not at all like that! So stop it. Now.
ODYSSEUS
Did you not hear the list of names? Don’t bow
Before her wantonness. Take her to bed
And in the morning toss her on her head.
I will not have my country fall for her
Or let you give in to her kitten-purr.
Now go, and in the morning she had best
Be gone. So do not linger at her breast,
For if I find her here, I’ll dump her in
The sea. That way her uncle and her kin
Can deal with her and we mere mortals can
Be free. Get rid of her and be a man.
Don’t put your lust before your city, son –
Your duties before temporary fun.
And that is all this woman is for you,
As she was for each man. Admit it’s true.
(TELEMACHUS hangs his head.)
TELEMACHUS
I’ll send her back to Menelaus when
The morning comes. We’re gone. I’ll see you then.
(TELEMACHUS takes HELEN by the hand. Both exit.)
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
Scene 2
SCENE: ODYSSEUS’ empty palace.
AT RISE: Lights come up. Enter Penelope.
PENELOPE
I need to see a priestess presently.
It always, always burns now when I pee.
(Enter ODYSSEUS)
ODYSSEUS
That boy of yours had best have gotten rid
Of Helen. Menelaus shows, I’ll bid
That boy a pleasant stay in Hades and
I’ll feed them to that rabid dog. He’ll stand
Alone outside these walls with that dumb bitch.
PENELOPE
You sure you didn’t get this from that witch?
ODYSSEUS
That witch? What witch? Oh, Circe’s who you mean.
Since Circe is a goddess, she is clean.
PENELOPE
A slave girl, then? You had to take a prize
Already passed around to other guys?
ODYSSEUS
I wish you’d stop. Does knowing cure you there?
(ODYSSEUS gestures to her crotch.)
PENELOPE
You’re right. I don’t know why I even care.
A woman such as I can remain chaste –
But men, I know, can’t let sperm go to waste
By keeping it inside and to themselves.
You men will mount both elephants and elves.
ODYSSEUS
We need to see if Telemachus did
What we told him to do, or if he hid
The Civilization-destroyer-just-
To-satiate-her-lust. I’ll turn to dust
Her bones with fire, mortar, pestle so
That I can fertilize my roses, grow
Them up my city walls, if she is here.
(Enter TELEMACHUS.)
TELEMACHUS
Then father, you and she should never fear.
She’s gone. I sent her back to Sparta, home.
ODYSSEUS
For ten years after Troy I had to roam
Instead of coming home, and you, you brought
That woman here, the one our armies sought,
And threatened all our lives with war. What’s wrong
With you? You thought your life would be a song?
To be remembered that way has a cost –
For poetry you’d have this city lost?
TELEMACHUS
Perhaps I’ll be in some small comedy.
Oh, by the way, it sure burns when I pee.
(PENELOPE looks at ODYSSEUS, who smiles sheepishly and shrugs his shoulders. PENELOPE is not amused.
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
END ALMOST ITHACAD