Misfortune makes people humble. That's a lesson I have learned with iron and blood. Just yesterday I was lying on my carpet, gagging, vomiting my guts out while gasping for air and trying to realize what I did wrong so much that I had to find myself in such a situation. Well, even if it seems over dramatized, that's how I cope with grief, nausea, gut wrench and crying like a baby. It all started from a bad trade. Which I tried turning into a good trade. And soon enough I blew through my account completely. Trading like a moron tends to do that. Makes you greedy, focus less and at the end a miserable fool whose life holds no meaning after that one trade. This is the 9th time I believe this had happened. The 8 times before this was pure luck that had brought me back. But this time, Mecca seems too far. On the other hand, somewhere, a guy with a sharper brain is looking at his wallet with his wins right at this moment and not even giving a fuck as it is just another day for him
So I guess that's it for my trading journey. In hopes of earning riches, I am penniless now. I wonder how many years it would take me to earn back what I lost. As for a guy like me, it was an unimaginable amount of money. Money that can change a life. Except it did and then changed it for the worse again.
Now I am roaming around in all directions like a headless chicken. Not being this unsure about life ever before. But it is what it is in the end. You act like a fool, you pay the price. Now I am paying the price.
Throughout my life, I was never that ambitious guy who wanted to do stuff, but I did always want to go for higher studies abroad. My mum hates the idea as I'm the only child out of the rest of the 6 still at home. With me gone, she will become so lonely, and not have anyone else to talk to. Even if we don't talk, she likes me to be present around here. Before her surgery, she would bring me food at odd times just so she can see me eat. That's how i became obese i believe.
After losing all of my breakfast on my carpet, I went to her room, sat beside her and told her how life has changed for the worse now. It took all her strength to put her hand on my head, pat it and say how it all will be well. At that moment, I felt like a toddler again. A child who broke his favorite toy and his mum is there to pick up all the pieces. I wonder what I would do with my life if she is not there with me anymore. Just the thought breaks my psyche so much so that this reality seems crooked and like a dystopia. If the human experience means we have to suffer such losses, then why do we even exist?
I see people around me having the time of their life, which is how it should be tbh. All happy, jolly and enjoying life. When I too am all drugged up in happiness, I forget about all this crookedness. It's just depression, many might say, what i feel right now. But even if it is just a momentary phase in my life, I can see with much clarity how unsure everything is. How we build everything in our life bit by bit only to just leave all of it behind one day. Pin pin korori as the Japanese would like to say. Live long, die short. But if we have to suffer so much just to die one day, then what is the point of all this wonder?
Cover piece generated with Midjourney AI bot